breaking up over threesome suggestions?

[flora]

When I first started dating my ex-boyfriend he told me he had once had a MFF threesome in the past. It bothered me to an extent, in the way that thinking about the sexual past of anyone you are involved with can be uncomfortable, but I didn’t see it as a big deal. However as we continued dating, he kept bringing up the topic. For example, once I went over to a female friend’s house and had too much to drink and ended up sleeping on her sofa. The next day when I mentioned this to him he asked if my friend was hot and if I’d slept in the bed with her. He then made a joke about how he would have to join us next time.
I told him that I have no interest in sleeping with another woman, or watching him sleep with another woman and that I found these comments upsetting. He said he didn’t want that from me, and was happy with our sex life. However, the jokes continued. The last time it was brought up I asked him more about his sexual history with threesomes. He informed me he had actually done this three times, once fairly recently. Both times were with two women, and both times in the context of a serious relationship. He said he had “got it out of his system though” and was not interested in doing this again.
After thinking about this conversation, I decided to end things with him. I found it insulting that he continued with the jokes after I asked him to stop. I also felt as if I could never live up to his sexual past, or fulfill his ultimate sexual desires.

He took the break-up hard and is now begging for me to come back. Additionally, my friends have told me that I am being prudish and uptight for breaking up an otherwise great guy over this issue.
A question for the men….would someone who so obviously enjoys having sex with two woman ever really be satisfied in a long term relationship where this wasn’t’ an option?

Also, how common is it for men to do this in long term relationships?

[Yggdrasil]

Flora,

we all have sexual fantasies. One of the most common sexual fantasies for men appears to be to have sex with two women. Some only fantasize about it, others actualy do it.

I am of the opinion that as long as all people involved are ok with it, it's none of anyone elses business.

What stands out in your post is his total disrespect for boundaries. I believe this may be a problem that will affect the relation.

My suggestion would be, unless he manages to respect your boundaries, move on. You sound like a decent person. I don't think you need someone in your life who is appearantly unable to respect you enough not to cross your boundaries.

[girl68]

I think that men, can "get stuff out of their system" (many men and women for that matter sleep around, but eventually settle down... therefore they got the sleeping with lots of people "out of their system" I believe he is telling the truth). He may have done it, liked but but doesn't need or want to do that again. If this is the truth... and you can accept it as the truth... I'd say give him a chance. However the comments in regards to this should stop, and so should your questions about it!

Though his comment/ jokes about 3somes are upsetting and he failed to understand. I'd say give him the chance to explain and explain to him what you feel.

[Junket]

The last time it was brought up I asked him more about his sexual history with threesomes.

Who brought it up the last time?

[Yggdrasil]

^^^ Fras, the way I read the OP: it's not talking about it that upsets her, it's his permanent joking around about it even after being asked to stop it, that pisses her off.

[flora]

He did. I have a friend who is a lesbian. He asked if she ever made advances on me. I said no, we were just friends. He said that he found her very attractive, and if any thing ever happened he would like to at least watch, since I wouldn't let him join.
He said it teasingly, but it still bothered me.

[Disillusioned]

It's hard to say. I'm annoyed by persistant, pervasive men that bug their girlfreinds around me so I imagine their girlfreinds don't enjoy it either. The threesome thing can be a touchy subject and he's tested the waters, found them too cold and he still wants to insinuate it. One of his buddies might be giving him "advice" too to try and passively pressure you.

I just wonder HOW clear you made it to him that even the jokes aren't welcome. It depends on the kind of guy. I'm not pushy so I take the hint after the first try but some guys don't take no for an answer and can be really annoying. Have you known him long enough to have an idea about his personality in that regard?

[Junket]

Thing is, he'll probably always have an interest in having a threesome, despite what he'll tell you.

It's up to you to decided whether or not you can live with that.

[girl68]

He did. I have a friend who is a lesbian. He asked if she ever made advances on me. I said no, we were just friends. He said that he found her very attractive, and if any thing ever happened he would like to at least watch, since I wouldn't let him join.
He said it teasingly, but it still bothered me.

Does he know that this is the reason you broke up with him? It's one thing to say it bugs you... then he keeps doing it becasue he doesn't realize... but does he NOW realize just how upset you actaully are about it all?

[carl1222]

So you broke up with him over some insensitive joking comments ... the last of which YOU elicited. Sure, he's dumb for persisting in them. Sure, he should learn to keep his mouth shut about his sexual past. Sure, I understand why you are pissed off. BUT ... to break up over it? That doesn't say much about the strength of your relationship, and makes you appear somewhat extreme, controlling even.

In answer to your question ... he's had three threesomes so he obviously enjoys them, but he appears to understand that you are not interested and is not pressuring you to do it anyway. Will he be able to live without it? Sure.

[flora]

Thanks for all of the good advice

In response to the questions..

I feel like I made it really, really clear that the jokes bothered me. I told him it made me feel that I wasn't enough, I told him flat out that I am a one man type of woman, and that there was no chance I would ever do that with him.

I did let him know upon breaking up that this was the issue. I told him that the fact that he couldnt' stop joking about this both showed a lack of respect for my feelings, and made me feel that this wasn't "out of his system".

I also told him that, while I don't judge other people's choices, for me sex is an intimate thing I do with someone I love and that perhaps we were just incompatible on this issue.

[Disillusioned]

Thanks for all of the good advice

In response to the questions..

I feel like I made it really, really clear that the jokes bothered me. I told him it made me feel that I wasn't enough, I told him flat out that I am a one man type of woman, and that there was no chance I would ever do that with him.

I did let him know upon breaking up that this was the issue. I told him that the fact that he couldnt' stop joking about this both showed a lack of respect for my feelings, and made me feel that this wasn't "out of his system".

I also told him that, while I don't judge other people's choices, for me sex is an intimate thing I do with someone I love and that perhaps we were just incompatible on this issue.

Good enough. Don't settle. If you can break up over it, you weren't that attached anyway (relatively speaking you probably don't need therapy over this). Find a more reserved guy with similar views on the importance of monogamy and intimacy. It might be a little thing but if it's irritating and he hasn't gotten the hint it'll become more and more irritating until it's a gaping wound of regret for the time you've spent with him.

[girl68]

Then good riddens... he's gone.

Farewell! Byebye... maybe next time he'll keep his mouth shut when his next gf asks him to stop joking about whatever topic.

Don't take him back, he obviously can't get a clue.

[flora]

So.....an update.

I have started seeing this guy again. We ran into eachother while we were both out drinking, went home together, and have been hanging out regularly since. So far, there hasn't been any kind of discussion about where this is headed.

He has not brought up the threesome thing again, jokingly or otherwise. However, as much as I hate to admit it, I am still bothered by his past and the fact that he clearly wanted to do this with me. I never thought of myself as being prudish or "traditional" but I just don't think I can be in a long term relationship with someone who has done this multiple times, especially in a serious relationship.

I don't know how much of this has to do with my views and values regarding monogamy and relationships, and how much has to do with insecurity on my part. Obviously if I'm dating guys in their 30's and 40's they are going to have some kind of a sexual past, but the fact that he has done this three times and it clearly was a great experience for him makes me feel very insecure about my ability to live up to his fantasies. He said during our breakup that he didn't want to do this with me, but I worry that if we are together 2 or 3 years from now and the "lust" portion of the relationship has worn off he will find me boring and either cheat on me or dump me....
I also worry that while we are having sex, he is fantasizing about another woman, or his past.

Is this realistic or am I being insecure? I can handle brutal honestly........

[Gigabitch]

You are being insecure. Instead of just squishing that feeling, though, and treating it like it doesn't deserve notice, you should really look at it. What this tells me is that this guy's level of sexual adventuresomeness is a dealbreaker for you. While you might be judged harshly for that by some people, it is what it is and I think you should pay attention to it.