Stalking Victim

[Gillian666]

I am involved with someone who was a victim of stalking some time ago. The situation was extreme - she threatened to kill him and herself, had a massive collection of secret photos/video and was subsequently jailed. He feared for his life and the lives of those close to him. He ended up moving far away to start a new life and avoid all possibility of running into this person again.

We have been involved for about 6 months or so. As you can imagine, he has major trust issues. We have been moving very (very, *VERY*) slow as far as the emotional side goes. He is terrified of any kind of intimacy. Everytime we make some headway, he flips out and pulls away. He has broken up with me about 30 times, but always comes back if I leave him alone. He talks about moving in together and then in the next breath, breaks up with me.

I love him to death - but not in a crazy stalker way. How can I make him see that I am trustworthy? I am very patient with him, but I don't want to wait around forever. He is a wonderful man. Help!!

[doppelgaenger]

Well you probably already know it will take a lot of trust, time and persistence, but maybe try to show him that you don't need a commitment, and that you can live your life perfectly without him - that might get him to realize your not the same psychotic bitch he dated for so long.

[miSSleepy]

maybe consider some council with him? He may be significantly affected by what happened and you're relationship might suffer. Hell, other areas of his life are probably affected too.

[Gillian666]

maybe consider some council with him? He may be significantly affected by what happened and you're relationship might suffer. Hell, other areas of his life are probably affected too.

I have suggested it, but he is a bit of a manly man. He told me that he did have some counselling at some point, but didn't elaborate. I can't imagine that he would agree to go to counselling with me - I think that would be waaaaay too close for comfort.

[miSSleepy]

Well if he's a manly man he should stop being a pussy and get help. Tell him that, then . If you think it's too early in your relationship to go to counseling together, suggest he go on his own. tell him you're worried that otherwise the relationship would fail.

[Gillian666]

Well if he's a manly man he should stop being a pussy and get help. Tell him that, then . If you think it's too early in your relationship to go to counseling together, suggest he go on his own. tell him you're worried that otherwise the relationship would fail.

Well that is part of the problem. 'Officially' we do not have a relationship. In reality, we exchange (literally) a couple hundred email a day, hang out for hours, have incredibly hot sex and talk endlessly. I want a relationship... not to change the circumstances necessarily, but to increase the intimacy. I love him and I hate not being able to freely express it. Am I just being selfish?

[miSSleepy]

No you're not being selfish, but this is a guy with some heavy emotional baggage by the sounds of it.
Ask him how he sees your relationship and where it's headed.

[Gillian666]

He tells me how much he wants to trust me, etc. but always refers back to the nightmare situation. He always says things like, 'It was good at the beginning...' Meaning I assume, that *this* is good right now, but could go sideways.
He is just *so* guarded.

I am beginning to feel like the bloody Horse Whisperer... lol

[miSSleepy]

I dunno...tell him lightning doesn't strike twice n the same place and that it's very unlikely he'll have more than 1 crazy stalker in his lifetime.

as you can see, i'm out of ideas

[Gillian666]

Thank you so much. It is very frustrating because of course, I want things to progress more quickly... but things *are* progressing. All the indications are there that he wants to be with me, I just have to be patient I guess...

[Only-virgins]

This guy sounds like a pussy.

[Gillian666]

This guy sounds like a pussy.

Any particular reason?

[misombra]

if somebody were to stalk me they would have to be ready to die tell god i said hi.

[vashti]

Any particular reason?

That's just what OV says to everyone.

[all alone]

definitely a good idea to seek some professional help imo. The first step to him getting over this is admiting its hindering his life and move towards getting some help to return to normalacy.