Advice on getting back together?

[reina_munchkin]

please bear with me this is a tad long.

Hello everyone, Thank you in advance for any helpful advice you can give me.

I dated someone for 6 months, and when i look a posts from other people of much longer relationships i feel like maybe my relationship was insignificant, but anyway. We spent nearly every day together, even when the relationship was nearing the end. We started arguing a lot in the last few weeks, never about anything important always small things. In the end, (and i know this is REALLY stupid and i highly regret it now) I felt the only way we might be saved was to actually break up. I thought breaking up might help us think about what we really wanted and give us a chance to miss each other.

I was wrong, 6 days later he had a new girlfriend, claimed he was 100% over me. At the time he was still interested in being friends, but very quickly changed when i showed some interest in a friend of mine who thinks I'm 'cute'. From there i received many nasty emails, was blocked from msn facebook etc. The emails were basically aimed at the fact that i still had feelings for him, yet was showing interest in others, and therefore was a bad manipulative person blah blah blah.

Since then we have had hardly any contact and I have heard that he has calmed down a lot. However according to my friends he is just very very cold whenever speaking about me. I have basically stuck to no contact, its been about 5 weeks, i hear that his new relationship is not going very well. I have read a lot on this subject and it seems really that I have done nothing wrong, if I am to stand a chance at having him back some day. I have not been rude or crazy or contacted him much at all.

I know that it's better to do no contact at all, but due to the fact we run in the same social circles i asked if we could talk about a social truce so that our friends would not have to feel uncomfortable. Whilst he agreed and spoke a little about things that I had done to upset him post break up, he was just more or less very very cold. and made some comment about his life being terrible.
other than that there have been one or two times where i have contacted him for small things i simply needed (a friends email etc). he has always complied.

I do not really believe that he is completely over me, he is proud and hard to read. We shared a pretty intense relationship. He even paid for me to come overseas with him because he missed me so much at one point when he went on holiday. I know that going into a rebound usually leads to unresolved feelings being buried.

I'm prepared to wait, but at the same time, i do plan to move on. I don't know if it happens much but, I would like to be with him again someday but not specifically soon, I'm not sure if i only have a limited time before he will be over me and never able to reignite a spark in a few weeks, or maybe that has already happened. I'm thinking of casually or even seriously dating other people, living my life, but keeping him in mind, maybe we can get together in the future when we have both matured. Is that possible? Is that a bad way to think? Or do you just get over people and forget them forever?

please tell me if my way of thinking is completely silly. Or if you think the coldness is a sign he is 100% over me. I myself have residual feelings for people for ages usually, but that's because I'm a silly romantic girl, i know i shouldn't push to think that others feel the way i do, but somehow i just think forgetting what we had so quickly is a little inhuman, although....it has been 5 weeks now.

Any advice or story of your own is very helpful Thanks for reading!

[Jas_mine]

No, he appears to be bitter because he still has feelings for you, and is upset and hurt that you called time on your relationship. His strong reaction to you expressing interest in the friend who deems you cute is a great indicator of this. The new girlfriend is just a rebound thing, and they rarely ever last, he obviously wanted to make you jealous or seem desirable or get over you by jumping into another relationship.

Maybe you should let him know the truth about your reasoning behind the breakup, that you had expected it to bring you closer together. Hopefully you have learnt that you don't just breakup with people recklessly, there are feelings involved, people are bound to get hurt, maybe you should have suggested a break instead - next time eh.

[reina_munchkin]

Thanks for the response so far
I did explain on the phone to him that that was my intention and he seemed highly irritated and said something along the lines of "you didn't say that why didn't you say that a week ago? I'm over you!"

Even though it seems stupid, please know that i did not break up with him rashly, he had told me his feelings for me were confused, and i felt that by continuing to date someone who was unsure of their feelings would only cheapen what we had together. I felt breaking up would give us a new perspective. I was wrong

I don't think there's a lot that i can do for now.....I have tried to be friendly and give him space. We have no contact, I'm blocked on all fronts, he's dating someone new and apart from some emo posts as status updates, he won't really tell people what is wrong, I think he is in a "time heals all wounds" mode, but won't actively do anything about it. Once again I think the ball is in his court, I'll probably start casually dating someone soon too, I'm just keeping him in mind, puzzling over his actions even though i shouldn't because...well people do not always make sense Please keep giving me help or advice or ideas. Thanks everyone!

[cmacattack1]

His response to your idea was taking it personal, feeling like a failure and jumping at the first thing to come his way. It's immature, but he probably hasn't had enough experience to really understand what is happening. He is going to act out in hurt, despair, desperation. You are right, he is not over you, nobody can in such short time ESPECIALLY since he probably didn't see it coming and was still in utter shock from what happened.

I'm an avid believer that if a relationship reaches a fevered pitch with arguments and fights, that some time apart can be helpful and a good thing. However, maybe calling it quits after a few weeks of arguing is a bit premature and he took it as you giving up on him and rejected him. I don't know what you told him when you broke up: I'm sure you either came out sounding confused or he just let much of it go in one ear and out the other and just listened to the "we are breakin up" part. I think it takes some serious sitting down to have as calm a conversation as possible and to let them know that currently the situation you are in is not happy, but you want this to work and will do whatever it takes to make it work. Many people are just completely ignorant to the fact of what they are doing and what is happening. It does take the fun out of the relationship when you have to talk serious about it and all that, but if you want to move forward you have to and you both have to be working together to grow together. Unfortunately, most of us grow outside of the relationship on our own because when we are in a relationship we have that other person as a crutch for our insecurities and shortcomings.

Just something to learn from this experience. Alot of the time we only get one shot at something and unfortunately it won't ever be the same again. Take what you know from this and apply it to the future, be it with somebody else or him somewhere in the future. I know you are upset and wish everything could be how it was again, but what has happened has happened and there isn't anything you can do to change. Being friends is tough, as you noticed it was okay to be friends with him as long as he had a chance of being with you again (not chatting up another guy). I know it can be awkward trying to be friends after with so many unresolved feelings, it's tough having alot of mutual friends. It's up to you if you want to keep these friends and do your best to just ignore what's going on, or to find new friends. Any kind of "truce" is not really going to work because both of you don't really agree to it, especially with feelings fluctuating all the time every time you see each other.

I know you had the best intentions and didn't want this to happen. I've always had the best intentions as well but it doesn't always translate well into a relationship with a completely seperate individual with his own thoughts and feelings. If this relationship had to come to this point, it wasn't mature enough to survive in the first place. I think you are ready for a more advanced and mature relationship in the future.

[Cloud206]

The human mind seems to be capable of many things, my opinion go on with your life.

[xxazurexx]

So, let me get this right. You split and 6 days he was with another girl.
You show interest in another guy, he doesn't like it, blocks you and turns cold.

I'm wondering why he seems to think it ok for him to have jumped from you and to someone else and immediatley, yet it's not ok for you to be with anyone else.

So you are wondering if you should wait for this guy and knowing he's with someone else?

Sorry but no I wouldn't. I'd be out dating other guys....stuff what he thinks.

[Illusional]

why don't you just live YOUR life and IF one day you two decide to get back together, then let nature run it's course. however, you never wait for an ex that already has started a new relationship.

raverboy

[reina_munchkin]

I suppose my biggest fear is that he really does want me but is in a mode in which he believes acceptance, avoiding me, moving on etc is for the best instead of ever talking it out with me and finding out each others feelings. frustrating is the word i suppose. Men are proud and silly sometimes.


But, even if my plan of breaking up was bad, it was not unexpected, he had been saying his feelings were mixed and wasn't 100% into it, so it cant be an entirely bad decision on my part even if we never get back together again or take a long time to admit our feelings. It's just not the kind of break I'm used to. For me it has always been someone being very aggressive or mean to me for an extended period or a huge fight over something very important, So for me this experience is simply new and frustrating,

I'm the kind of person who does not believe in giving up on love, and when my partner does give up, or accepts defeat it just makes me question 'love' or what we really had. especially with him being mega depressed lately but who knows, maybe its unrelated. Maybe he's over me, all i can say is, I did try my very best, i have left lines open, if he chooses to not speak to me and get over me and ignore me forever, then *shrug* nothing i can do.

I am moving on with my life, I've been spending more time with someone and we will be having some dates this week wish me luck!

Still checking this thread regularly for advice and interesting info you guys have, thanks for all your advice so far

[cmacattack1]

If he is too scared to admit that he still cares about you and doesn't act on it, he is the one that is losing. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, he can only do that himself. As long as you let him know that you are open to talking to him, the ball is really in his court. And for the record this isn't a break: you guys are currently done. But you shouldn't want to get back together, you should want to start something new. It takes time and probably dating other people to put that behind you.

While you think you are fighting for the person you love, and it seems very valiant, you might be doing yourself a disservice. "Fighting for this" might be hurting your chances believe it or not. Letting it be and seeing where you are in a good amount of time (months, years) is probably the best shot you have. Not to mention that no matter how much you fight, it ultimately takes two for it to work. If he isn't fighting and you are with everything you have, it's still the same result.

Just because he is depressed doesn't mean it's an excuse for his behavior. It's a reaon. The same applies to you, the reasons why you did what you did aren't excuses as well.

[Cloud206]

Ohh....everyone is silly at some point,just try getting over it as fast as you can and since you got someone to have a date now (lucky you ) wish you good luck and may there be not an ending .

[xxazurexx]

I suppose my biggest fear is that he really does want me but is in a mode in which he believes acceptance, avoiding me, moving on etc is for the best instead of ever talking it out with me and finding out each others feelings. frustrating is the word i suppose. Men are proud and silly sometimes.


But, even if my plan of breaking up was bad, it was not unexpected, he had been saying his feelings were mixed and wasn't 100% into it, so it cant be an entirely bad decision on my part even if we never get back together again or take a long time to admit our feelings. It's just not the kind of break I'm used to. For me it has always been someone being very aggressive or mean to me for an extended period or a huge fight over something very important, So for me this experience is simply new and frustrating,

I'm the kind of person who does not believe in giving up on love, and when my partner does give up, or accepts defeat it just makes me question 'love' or what we really had. especially with him being mega depressed lately but who knows, maybe its unrelated. Maybe he's over me, all i can say is, I did try my very best, i have left lines open, if he chooses to not speak to me and get over me and ignore me forever, then *shrug* nothing i can do.

I am moving on with my life, I've been spending more time with someone and we will be having some dates this week wish me luck!

Still checking this thread regularly for advice and interesting info you guys have, thanks for all your advice so far

If his solution to solving things, is to hook up and immediatley with another woman, then trust me this is NOT the kind of man you want in your life.

And your decision to break up wasn't a one that you took lightly....being he was talking of 'mixed feelings' and not being into it 100% and beforehand. I'd have done exactly the same in your situation. I'd rather be with a guy who has no doubts he wants to be with me, rather than one who isn't sure.

He's been unsure about your relationship, gone along with your choice to end things, but meantime and while he's off testing the waters with other women, has wanted to keep you on the 'backburner' and incase he finds nothing better. Which is why he wasn't too happy and when you showed interest in some other guy. He likely feared that you would move on and because that then leaves him no 'safety net' to fall back into.

The fact he'd chosen to jump into something else and so soon and with another woman, would have spelled the 'total' end for me.
I tend not to do 'second best' scenarios.

Good Luck with the dating anyway

[reina_munchkin]

Well my date went fine! It was really fun, and the guy is really sweet.
And the ex is being at least polite when i ask for info and stuff. When he sees an email from me, he responds quickly and politely and i guess that's all i can ask for in a social truce. Not sure if i should go to my club event tonight. I really want to see all my friends and not let him or his new girl get to me at all, but it still stresses me a little to see either. On the other hand, the club has so many of my friends in it, and I have not been seeing them much lately due to my apprehension and uneasiness. But at the same time I really don't want it to be a problem, i do want to go >_<
I'll tell you if i do go

[reina_munchkin]

Also i really loved hearing what you all that to think, and you're right, whether he cares still or not does not matter, if he's choosing not to show it then i need to take it at face value. I think I've done a fairly good job of acting non-nonchalant and dating someone else, which at least has made me look strong and valuable (and not that I'm mean, but, when people aren't nice to me I can gloat a little when i hear they're having a bad time). He may be pissed I've moved on, but it will also make him feel he has less worth, and resurface good memories of us, which will probably make I'm sad and feel like he made a big mistake, which makes me happy. But as was said earlier above, i shouldn't really ever settle for second best and if anything were to ever transpire between us again it would take months or years to work again, i would not take him back now no matter what. I deserve the best and not second best! But if i did ever want something, I've probably taken the right steps thanks everyone~ you are very insightful for me.