Help please: My jealousy and insecurity is a relentless tormentor.

[THX]

This post is zero percent rant. I'm ready to surrender to whatever I have to, to get over this and move on. I'm mentally exhausted with dealing with this day after day after day.

I have an ex girlfriend who I'm no longer heart broken about. I have gone from loving her and missing her to being angry. Angry might be acceptable if I had any legitimate reason to be. I broke up with her and was childish.

Intellectually I know she has done nothing wrong. She is a VERY nice girl. Everybody loves her. I'm jealous of her because she has moved on so effectively. I want her to validate me. To demonstrate that I am not someone you can get over so easy. I compare myself to her. I try to keep myself up to her life style. I'm hitting the gym twice every single day. On top of all my ish. Terrified that a gap of popularity and production will expose me to what I already know. That she was too good for me all along.

I want peace. I want to think of her and smile. I want to wake up out of this old tired chapter of my life and into a new one.

[Bonfire]

Start with telling the truth. Start being honest with yourself. Be humble and feel no need to impress. The reality is, no one is better than anyone. We live in a materialistic society that takes wealth and fame as measure of success. That is no success to me. It's just a reflection of your insecurity to want people to admire you for your success. The person I think is successful is the one who live the life their way. If you accept that everyone is different and difference is what makes us special than there is nothing to be insecure about. People who look down on others or look up to others are just insecure themselves. A truly secure person is not threaten by how others may judge them. They can't lose their pride even if they lost everything they have. A person who need wealth, status, fame, and power to feel secure will never be truly secure. What happens when they lose it all? Suicide? So if you really want to lose your insecurity, it's stop pretending you are someone you're not. Don't hide what you think you are ashamed of. If someone looks down on you because of it, you don't need those people in your life. When you are being open and honest this way, you will come to realize many people don't give a damn either. We tend to make our insecurities bigger than they really are. And if you stay true to yourself and to others, over time, you'll become proud of who you are.

If you want to stop being jealous, recognize what jealousy does. It ruins relationships period. So stop feeding the jealousy troll and have trust. And I don't mean only having trust in her but have trust in yourself. Believe that you are worthy to be loved. Your goal is to be with someone who wants to be with you. So if they want to leave, then let them. And if she loves you, she won't do anything to break that trust. So bottom line, have faith in the love of your relationship.

[vashti]

I disagree with the above post. Some people ARE better than others; that is the truth.

You are jealous because you recognize that she had qualities you lack, but admire. Why don't you just develop those qualities? It's called personal growth.

Also, your self-esteem will improve if you become more goal-focused, and actually invest yourself in reaching those goals. If you are proud of your own accomplishments, you won't begrudge other people THEIR accomplishments.

[surfhb]

Some people ARE better than others; that is the truth.

Ehhh......Only if one thinks that person is better. This cuts into the self esteem issue you talk about. JKF, Ghandi, Dr. King, Ronald Reagan, Rosa parks, Alexander the Great, Joan of Arc were all great people. Did they have the talent and passion to do what I do and be me as a person? ....Highly unlikely

[vashti]

Ehhh......Only if one thinks that person is better. This cuts into the self esteem issue you talk about. JKF, Ghandi, Dr. King, Ronald Reagan, Rosa parks, Alexander the Great, Joan of Arc were all great people. Did they have the talent and passion to do what I do and be me as a person? ....Highly unlikely

Tell me: who is a better person? Jack the Ripper or Mother Teresa?

[Wakeup]

This post is zero percent rant. I'm ready to surrender to whatever I have to, to get over this and move on. I'm mentally exhausted with dealing with this day after day after day.

I have an ex girlfriend who I'm no longer heart broken about. I have gone from loving her and missing her to being angry. Angry might be acceptable if I had any legitimate reason to be. I broke up with her and was childish.

Intellectually I know she has done nothing wrong. She is a VERY nice girl. Everybody loves her. I'm jealous of her because she has moved on so effectively. I want her to validate me. To demonstrate that I am not someone you can get over so easy. I compare myself to her. I try to keep myself up to her life style. I'm hitting the gym twice every single day. On top of all my ish. Terrified that a gap of popularity and production will expose me to what I already know. That she was too good for me all along.

I want peace. I want to think of her and smile. I want to wake up out of this old tired chapter of my life and into a new one.

You want her to "validate" you? You want her to be miserable like you? You broke up with her? I wouldn't call you Jealous and insecure, I'd call you self absorbed and emotionally immature. Is this the first girl that didn't beg for you back, I wonder? Jealousy stems from the feeling of being out of control. I suggest you start there by realizing that the only person that you have control over is yourself. Accept that you are unable to control someone elses emotional response, that that is their job, not yours and perhaps you'll feel more in control of your own emotional response.

Going to the gym is a good way to realease the feel good hormones and chemicals but I think you need to do more than just work on the physical you. Have you tried doing things to improve your mind? Therapy, reading basic psychology titles, taking a class that interests you. You have way too much time on your mind and not enough to keep it from trying to control others.

Good luck in changing your somehow ingrained need to make people act the way you think they should because that is exactly what you're obsessed with in regards to your ex. You must realize one thing in order to get over this focus you have on her. That being: She's none of your business now.

[dem862]

Sounds like you have breakup regret. Have you appologized to her? Told her she did nothing wrong and you were childish? I don't think she was "too good for you." But perhaps you needed her more than she needed you. So ask yourself what needs she was filling in your life, and how you can fill those needs elsewhere now. There are stages of grief, which is caused by the loss you suffer in a break-up: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may experience some of these feelings in any order, and they are subject to backsliding. You may go back and forth between anger and depression. When you finally accept the loss, you can move on. Perhaps the lesson you need to learn from this is to have patience with others and not to take others for granted. Good luck to you.

[Wakeup]

But perhaps you needed her more than she needed you.

If that's the case then it begs the question why did HE break up with HER?

[surfhb]

Tell me: who is a better person? Jack the Ripper or Mother Teresa?

Morally or at using their abilities?

[THX]

You are jealous because you recognize that she had qualities you lack, but admire. Why don't you just develop those qualities? It's called personal growth.

Also, your self-esteem will improve if you become more goal-focused, and actually invest yourself in reaching those goals. If you are proud of your own accomplishments, you won't begrudge other people THEIR accomplishments.

This hit the nail on the head for sure. Ive very aggressively pursued self improvement and accomplishment with the intent of it leading me out of this valley of lack thus jealousy. I've turned everything around from an action point of view. Going to the gym/stopped drinking/stopped smoking/taking salsa classes/going to speech club/reading self improvement/doing death meditation for perspective/attending meetup.com events/keeping my apt and car impeccably clean.

I write in a journal every night before I go to bed and I end up writing it in two sections. 1) How bad I feel emotionally. 2) How on a rational level things are better than ever. I'm starting to wonder if my mind set is immovably ingrained. An old dog who can't learn new tricks.

dem862. I was haunted by my behavior and I did meet up with her in October and apologized. I told her that my behavior was based on protecting my own ego. That I had been a passive aggressive douche. I told her she was special and always had been. I felt that this would be the thing to get this whole situation out of my focus.

[Wakeup]

This hit the nail on the head for sure. Ive very aggressively pursued self improvement and accomplishment with the intent of it leading me out of this valley of lack thus jealousy. I've turned everything around from an action point of view. Going to the gym/stopped drinking/stopped smoking/taking salsa classes/going to speech club/reading self improvement/doing death meditation for perspective/attending meetup.com events/keeping my apt and car impeccably clean.

I write in a journal every night before I go to bed and I end up writing it in two sections. 1) How bad I feel emotionally. 2) How on a rational level things are better than ever. I'm starting to wonder if my mind set is immovably ingrained. An old dog who can't learn new tricks.

so; You're doing all the things to make you the best you that you can be but you're still having these negative feelings about her and how she's able to get on with her life without you in it. What do you suppose that is all about that You want/need her to "validate" you? You want her to be miserable like you?
What sub-consciously are you hoping for with this thing you call as "jealousy?" (it's mean spirited at the least)

dem862. I was haunted by my behavior and I did meet up with her in October and apologized. I told her that my behavior was based on protecting my own ego. That I had been a passive aggressive douche. I told her she was special and always had been. I felt that this would be the thing to get this whole situation out of my focus.

You apologized but you're still having the same ego struggle even though she's not in your life to take it out on. Why are you obsessed with her? Is she the first girl you broke up with that didn't want you back? Whats your pattern with relationships in general?

[THX]

so; You're doing all the things to make you the best you that you can be but you're still having these negative feelings about her and how she's able to get on with her life without you in it. What do you suppose that is all about that You want/need her to "validate" you?

Mosquitoes bite other animals because they cannot produce cholesterol themselves and they need it to survive. I think it comes down to that I am for all practical purposes immune to self validation. I have accomplished some things I should be very proud of but it falls on deaf ears. I'll attain some huge goal and months of pay off anticipation culminates in feeling great for 2-3 minutes then it dies and I reboot back to , "So what, this changes nothing."

Validation from other people is a fix to a long standing addiction. A parasitic relationship which allows me to feel good about myself and the world around me.

I don't actually have any problems with her. I am projecting self judgement as her judging me. I have made her the poster child of what I lack. What I can not have. As Vashti so accurately pointed out she embodies the qualities I want, but do not have. She has social skills. A social butterfly. Charismatic and not self absorbed.

I definitely do not want her to be unhappy. No part of me wants that.

My relationships in general are poor because when I'm being chased I feel smothered and when I am not being chased I feel abandoned. I have made a decision to no longer date. I end up leaving girls worse then I found them. If I can ever learn to change and be happy by myself I will reconsider but for now I'm not bringing this mess to anybody else.

[tmc92ic]

First thing you should do is cut off all connections from her. I assume you are still overseeing her online through Facebook or something of similar nature. Delete her from your friends list, if you still find yourself curious and are looking back then de-activate your account for a month or so.

Next, as mentioned above, set a goal and strive to achieve it. Going to the gym and working out is a great goal. You are improving your physical image and keeping yourself distracted. This will help you forget her and help you find someone else.

And you most importantly need to forget about her, live your own life. Don't live in the shadow of her life otherwise you will always be miserable.

[smackie9]

I say you are letting your low self esteem run away with you. You want to beat this? Just don't give a s hit about her and what she is doing. For one thing...girls have it way easier to get a guy.......so you can think all she is doing is whoring it up.

Focus on yourself and how you are going to be banging other girls.

[dem862]

You sound like you have an ego problem. The solution to ego is humility. To get humility you must give of yourself selflessly without any expectation of compensation. Do volunteer work or community service. You are doing things, but they are all for your own benefit. Do something for someone that doesn't benefit yourself. Keep doing this until you feel virtuous again. This may bring you the peace you are seeking.