Girlfriend likes confidence in guys, i never had much

[LoneWolfie]

Hello, id like to rant a little to hopefully make myself feel better.

I can be a sensitive guy at times and quite "geeky" and "nerdy". Most of my teenage period and earlier 20's was spent hiding behind my computer because i was bullied alot in high school and because im generally not a very outgoing person. I always managed to entertain myself without needing alot of interaction with people. That is not to say im socially inept, im perfectly capable of starting conversations with strangers, as long as those people do not intimidate me. If people start to make jokes at my expense or i make a fool out of myself because i say something wrong i tend to stay quiet for a long time.

Im quite chubby but not yet what most people would consider "fat". But i want to lose about 15 or 25 pounds. I managed to lose 15 pounds a year ago but i lacked the discipline to keep away from the food, so i gained 15 again.

Im not that confident about my own skills, and the past year i have been stuck sitting at home trying to find a job after i graduated from uni. I finally found a job as a junior system admin and ill start working in january. But im nervous about this job because the people say they expect alot of me and i personally feel i dont know enough to do my job properly.

I have a handful of friends but i only see them maybe once every few months when we decide to meet up somewhere for a few drinks. These friends are former classmates of mine and when im talking to them i am cracking jokes, acting silly and having a great time. I am the same way around my girlfriend, parents and siblings.

Now my girlfriend, she's a very sexy, outgoing and beautiful young woman. She's very social and has hundreds of friends. We have lots of fun when we are together but i tend to remain quiet and in the background when her friends are around as i do not feel very comfortable then. I also tend to get jealous easily if they get alot of attention from my girlfriend or they are being very friendly together. When someone makes a joke at my expense i feel insulted and i have to work hard to not let it show and just let it slide.

My girlfriend is often saying how much she is attracted to confidence and cockiness, here i am feeling i have lost self-confidence/esteem while she is meeting dozens of guys a week that seem full of it. That thought seems to scare me a little.

Today she had a talk with a online friend who was being shy and grumpy, a socially inept guy who really reminded me of myself not so long ago. She said she was glad i wasnt like that guy. She knows i am struggling with the way i look and my confidence in general and seems to try to boost my confidence by calling me her "big strong man" randomly and while we are having sex. (in which i always dominate her since it makes her feel safe and makes her feel im a confident "alpha male")

The thing is, she says something about girls liking confident, strong, cocky "alpha male" guys atleast a few times a month. But i consider myself a homely, sensitive guy who has to work really hard for every shred of self-confidence.

How the heck is it possible for this girl to be head-over-heels in love with me and wanting to marry me in a few years? And how does a "nerd" or "geek" become a confident guy? Hell, what IS a confident guy?


Rant over, thank you. I think i will just do my best on this job, and take confidence in the fact that i have the girlfriend every guy in town wished he'd have. Maybe if the job works out good and my girlfriend keeps saying im her strong man i can rebuild some confidence and feel good enough.....any further tips would be great though.

[NeoSeminole]

"LoneWolfie" my ass. You should change your sn to "LonePuppy"

[kms]

Well you are right, most women want guys who are confident and self-assured (but not to the point of arrogance though).

Working through self-confidence problems can't be solved by external things, such as a job, a new situation, a loving girlfriend, etc. You will always continue to find negative things about yourself in all these great situations. The problem can only be solved internally. It takes a great deal of self-analysis in order to dig to the root of your insecurity, and then once you identify where the problem lies and what your true, actual weaknesses are, then you can make a plan for improving the areas you aren't happy with. However, it is very important that you always keep an encouraging, positive, loving attitude toward yourself, because if you don't, you will keep your mind and body in a state of negativity, of fear even. The only thing we are capable of doing is merely surviving in that state of mind - growing and expanding and learning new things are completely out of the question.

So... you've got to be kinder to yourself. You've got to have a balanced, objective view of yourself - which means acknowledging your strengths, and reminding yourself of them whenever you feel particularly down about one of your weaknesses. Use the skills and strategies from your strengths and apply them to your weaknesses. Break everything down and do things step by step. You have to keep a holistic view of yourself - otherwise if you focus only on the negative, your self-esteem has no chance of ever improving. You'll just keep spiraling downward, and probably sabotaging all the good things you have (such as a girlfriend, or a job).

I would also recommend getting into counseling if you can, since it sounds like this is a pretty big struggle for you. They can help you come to a better view of yourself, which will in turn enable you to have the courage and strength to start changing.

The essential thing to keep in mind is: if you respect yourself, other people will respect you too. If you don't respect yourself, how can you expect other people to?

[LoneWolfie]

@kms: Thank you for your advice, i will try to use it to turn things around.

@NeoSeminole: Very clever there "superman", sad to see trolls on this forum. But atleast it reminded me of one of my positive aspects: My decency, would you like some?

[TheWizard]

KMS was pretty thorough so I'll just chime in about being confident.

It basically boils down to how you radiate your persona to the world. If you hold your head up, look sharp, move with purpose and appear calm and comfortable in your own skin then you're most of the way there. As a shy guy that had to struggle with this like you have it takes practice and patience.

I commented on someone elses thread about this but try some of these simple things when you're out and about. Make eye contact with everyone you walk by, and don't look away until they do - do it with a smile or normal look without being creepy. Don't stare people down either, but after awhile you will get a sense of people "giving in" to your confidence.

Another easy thing to do is take up space. Think of it like a dog marks his territory - next time you sit down at a table at the coffee shop really spread out, spread your legs, and sprawl with good posture. You'll notice that often times when you take up space like this in the aisle others will actually move out of YOUR way and find another way around. It's kind of wild give it a try.

As you do these things it should help to make you feel a little more assured of yourself. As for the nerd and geeky attributes there's nothing wrong with that as long as you're passionate about whatever it is you do. Girls don't seem to care too much about what you're into as long as you're really into it. Getting excited and letting that express through your talking and whatnot gets them excited and will make you feel better about it as well.

Baby steps - but seriously try the taking up space and eye contact thing. The best place would be like the Mall when you do your late holiday shopping, just lock eyes with someone walking by you and don't break off until they do first. As an extreme thing you could try standing in the middle of a busy part of the mall and just stand there with your legs spread a little far apart and check through your phone - if done correctly again people will move around you rather than nudging you because you look important, confident, and project it.

[NeoSeminole]

LonePuppy says:

"@NeoSeminole: Very clever there "superman", sad to see trolls on this forum. But atleast it reminded me of one of my positive aspects: My decency, would you like some?"

didn't you see my status, brah? I'm in a devilish mood. What did you expect?

[starbuck]

LoneWolfie, I think you're idealizing these types of guys. I'm not saying some don't have true confidence, but you'd be surprised at what goes on inside people's heads if you could ever really dive in there.

There are some self-improvement types of things you can do to gain confidence like going to the gym and working on your personality, humor, intellect, etc., But ultimately I think if you stop chasing an ideal, you'll relax more. Make improvements if you want, but just make sure they're mixed with some self-acceptance.

Make changes for yourself (not your gf). You should be the judge of your own self-improvement, not her.

[TheWizard]

It's also interesting to note that usually the confidence thing helps you get the girl.. you already have the girl so that's quite a twist!