Please help me, I've laid it all out.

[zoey123]

I'm lost and scared and I really could use some advice from people who have been there... it's a long story and lot of information so I'll try to break it down!

I'm 19 and I broke up with my boyfriend of two years three weeks ago. He was my first boyfriend and I was his first serious relationship. He was the "perfect" boyfriend but I couldn't shake the doubts I had that we weren't the best people for each other.

Our relationship started at work as friends and when my senior prom date bailed, he went with me instead. Nothing went wrong from there and he became my boyfriend. I wasn't crazy about him, but I got to know him on that level and grew to love him. I was the first person in his life who made him feel like he was worth something, the first person to believe in him, support him, and push him to make something of his life.

His life has never been easy, and his general demeanor is that of someone who has been defeated. When I met him he had no goals, no motivation, and no self-respect or self-esteem. That was slowly changing when we were together... he signed up for school and tried for acceptable grades and he started to have a little bit of hope for a brighter future. But that future was always for me. He doesn't know who he is or what he wants without me in the picture. I may be young but I do know how important that is and I don't think there's anything else I can do to help him find that... it's in his hands.

He's a pessimist, I'm an optimist. I love to look at things deeply and analytically, he sees everything black and white. That's always bothered me because he sees me the same way. Life is sometimes not simple and people are definitely not simple. I feel like at times when I try to explain how I'm feeling, he doesn't really understand. He'll hold me and try to make me feel better, but I can see the confusion in his eyes. I'm a dreamer and I wake up every morning excited about the day ahead of me and the possibilities, while he tries to just get by unscathed.

I was reading an article the other day about "soulmates" and the qualities that make them. Number 4 was "They are your intellectual equal". I feel awful admitting to it but I have always felt like I thought on a different level than him. It's not that he doesn't have the ability, but he considers himself stupid and has no interest in expanding his mind. I can't even use words such as "optimistic" around him because he'll just laugh and say "i don't know what that means". I tell him the meanings in a way that does not demean him but he genuinely just does not care. I love learning and I wish he shared that with me.

There were times in our relationship where I thought to myself that I could be with him forever. But I wonder now if I thought that because I felt so connected to him, or if it was just the feeling of being loved so deeply and taken care of so well? He was always sure about me and he always gave 100 percent to me. I know that doubts are normal but I had them so often and for no reason at all.

I just feel so selfish. I had a boy who would die for me. He listened to me, he was there for me, he loved me every second of every day. He supported my dreams, he wasn't jealous or possessive, he never took me for granted. So who am I to feel like something's missing? Is it okay to never feel madly in love with your partner?

I also know myself and I know that I can find a reason to love just about anyone in the world. You could put me in a room with a serial killer and if I had the chance to get to know him I would find room in my heart. It's awful but it's just the way I am. He is obviously no serial killer, he's an amazing guy. But I wonder if that's what happened with us.

A few weeks before we broke up I met a guy on the other side of the country (I was helping my friend move). Nothing happened between us, but I have never been so attracted to someone, had so much fun with someone, and had such deep conversation with someone as I did with him. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone about all of the mysteries of the world and my mind and have them understand where I'm coming from. I think by contrast that made me realize how shallow my conversation with my ex is, how no matter how hard I try it just never makes me think.

Another problem I have with our relationship is that he never asks anything of me. In some ways that's wonderful: he loves me for who I am. But I want to be with someone who challenges me and helps me become a better, stronger person. I don't know which is more important... somebody who will just be there to fall back on all the time or somebody who will push me because they know I can do better?

I'm scared to let him go because I worry that my doubts are just because I was lucky enough to find a healthy relationship right off the bat. It seems like most people go through hell before they find someone like him... and when they find it, they don't let it go. Am I just pushing away the person I'm going to wish I had in the future?

When we first broke up, I was honestly fine. I cried a couple times but then I was happy. But the past few days have been really hard. I'm remembering all the wonderful times we had... our anniversaries, our vacations, amazing things he said to me. And I just don't know anymore.

He's a mess right now. Since we broke up he's dropped out of school, moved back home, and almost lost his job. It breaks my heart when we talk, because even as I'm hurting him so badly he's still there for me, making sure I'm okay. It is so rare to find somebody who loves you that unconditionally and it makes me want to just take him back. I'm trying to be strong because I truly believe that he needs to figure out his life and work a lot of things out on his own, and I know he deserves the chance to find somebody who will love him as much as he loves me.

I really just don't even know what I want right now, I feel like I'm either crazy or stupid. Maybe even both. :/

[michaelarwas]

dont be an idiot, you should never let go of someone who loves you that much. My girlfriend has just broken my heart but she doesnt care how i feel. Im happy that you do but if he really is that amazing please take him back

[zoey123]

There's no way I could take him back right now because I'm still unsure and I refuse to put him through this again. If we get back together it's going to be because I have figured everything out and I can be 100 percent sure that I want to us to work out.
The unknown is just scary... I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if the way I felt is just proof that it wasn't right and never would have been, or if I just need this time to myself to grow and figure out exactly what I want.
I just feel like I should be finding where I feel happy, not where I feel safe. But in the end, would that security be the foundation for my happiness that I won't find anywhere else? I just don't know.

[Cbrider]

You're two people, who have almost no natural qualities in common. The choice you made was neither wrong nor selfish, it was responsible. Yes, you cried, he's a wreck but you can't hold someones hand through life, it just doesn't work and will eventually wear you out. If you didn't break it off with the feelings and doubts you are feeling now, it would have morphed into resentment towards him with enough time.

He has to fend for himself, there are no two ways around it. It was great that you supported him and cared about him, but you have to let him stand on his own two feet. If he can't motivate himself to better his life, than what good would you doing it for him serve? In the end, sticking with him would have ultimately led to him being a weaker person overall because he didn't have to do anything, he had you.

You seem far to intellectual and extroverted to mesh with his type of personality anyway. Anything is possible, but speaking realistically, like you said, you need someone who will push you and make you step outside that circle of comfort.

One of my exes was similar to your ex in ways. She was self motivated, but very pessimistic and pretty introverted. It worked initially because lust and general happiness blocked out any possible uncertainties I had. I was a little less motivated person than her, but plenty motivated to go somewhere in life. I was also far, far, far more social and caring person in general. It eventually came to a less than pretty end, but it was inevitable. You simply can't force yourself to accept less than you deserve in a partner. You can adapt and understand, but if its not working now, it wont work later.

The first is always the worst, but its also one of the most important for learning about yourself and what kind of personalities and traits you can happily coexist with.

Give it time, as the months go by, you will look back and realize that what you did was for the best for the both of you. It will be hard to reason or understand why you did what you did in the short run because your emotions are going to steer your thought process. You made a choice, stick by it and move on with your life. He will be fine, people are programmed to survive.

[michaelarwas]

im sorry i think i answered in the way i did because i wish my ex would do that for me. i suppose ultimately you have to find your own happiness and security would then follow. i feel so completely alone at the moment and wish my ex has just a fraction of the care you are showing your boy. Do what is right for you, you have to.

[lahnnabell]

zoey, you may not think you've done him a great service, but trust me, you have. I commend you and, in fact, I am so happy to have read your post. You said some things that really reminded me of myself and that is awesome.

Everything Cb said is spot on so I won't even bother to repeat it all.

He's a pessimist, I'm an optimist. I love to look at things deeply and analytically, he sees everything black and white. That's always bothered me because he sees me the same way. Life is sometimes not simple and people are definitely not simple. I feel like at times when I try to explain how I'm feeling, he doesn't really understand. He'll hold me and try to make me feel better, but I can see the confusion in his eyes. I'm a dreamer and I wake up every morning excited about the day ahead of me and the possibilities, while he tries to just get by unscathed.

It can be difficult to remain optimistic while being bombarded by someone else's negativity. I've definitely been in this spot before and found myself better for it when I ditched the guy. The confusion in his eyes most likely comes from his inexperience and subsequent fear. Once he's been through a few stressful situations, he'll develop some survival techniques. This break-up is actually helping him build a thicker skin all around.

I love learning and I wish he shared that with me.

You are developing your standards now. This is important if you are going to find someone you want to spend most of your time, if not the rest of your life, with.

I also know myself and I know that I can find a reason to love just about anyone in the world. You could put me in a room with a serial killer and if I had the chance to get to know him I would find room in my heart. It's awful but it's just the way I am. He is obviously no serial killer, he's an amazing guy. But I wonder if that's what happened with us.

I had to chuckle at this. I am the same way. I get criticized a lot for my relationship decisions (I've been in a lot of serious ones) and people like to think that all of my life decisions are predicated on who I am dating. I made the decision to run away to Europe with a guy I barely knew only to return several months later broken-hearted. I don't regret it though because it taught me how to be self-sufficient in a new way.

I learned from my mistake and made the educated decision to move across the country last year with my recent ex. We'd been together for a year when we moved and I felt confident that we could go the distance given that our decision was well-planned. Regardless, things took a steady decline after that and I had to leave him. You just never know sometimes until you hit that point.

Just thought I'd share some stories with you to help you feel a little less alone in that boat. Ask me anything you want, and I'll share.

[kai]

Just do him a favor and don't talk to him. It'll make his life even more miserable. BTW, he needs a counsellor more than a girlfriend. Talk to his parents and ask them to take him to a counsellor. That's the only nice thing you can do to him.

[cmacattack1]

I agree with one of the posts here. You seem like an extremely intellegent and analytical person like you said. It can be difficult to let go, even when you feel like the love is gone on your end but it will make you both better in the long run.

Meeting that other person opened your eyes to what else could be out there, but I think it takes being with somebody intimately for a good period of time to know who they truly are. An example of how relationships can go astray by meeting somebody else and giving them a shot when it could come around and bite you later.

However, like you said, you guys are on a different intellectual level and it sounds like he doesn't want the same out of life as you. It kind of reminds me of my recently ended relationship, my ex would love to go out and stargaze, take walks, drive around, explore the countryside, and I did all those things because she liked to but I wasn't that into doing those things at the time. Now that we are apart, I realized that there is a whole big world out there and that there is more to do than just my usual of watching DVDs, parties and being a bum for the most part. It opened my eyes and I'll always thank her for that. Then again, we were on a similar intellectual level and that enhanced our connection all the more and the impact she left on me.

What I didn't agree with was your statement that said that you want somebody who pushes you and makes you a better person. It just sounds like you are developing codependency, a need for somebody to make you that better person. You don't need anybody to make you better, and that could be a dangerous mentality if you ever meet somebody and then they leave you. If you are so dependant on somebody, what will happen when they aren't there?