Think I'm Going to Wash My Hands of This...

[Aeradalia]

As soon as this week is up... definitely within the next two weeks.

We waited at the airport till 6:30pm... then were informed that my Step Dad couldn't enter the country because his paperwork was incorrect... so he's being deported.

A friendly guy in uniform named off a few websites on how to help him straighten out his immigration dilemma... which was apparently filed incorrectly. The whole time the guy was talking my Mom was saying things like "my daughter can look that up... my daughter could do that... etc"... meanwhile I'm thinking that I really don't want to research this bullshit --- why can't she?

After the gentleman leaves... my Mom explodes into this emotional slip and slide talking about how she has to drop everything and 'rescue' her husband... etc. I cut through this self-pity bullshit as quick as I can... letting her know that if she does any of what she was mentioning... I won't help her at all. I go so far as to say if she wants my help at all... then she will need to do exactly what I say.

She tried to guilt me which backfired... in the midst of her 'embarrassment' I made it perfectly clear to her... I do not have the financial resources to help her --- she will have to help herself with this one. Her husband has a job in Germany... he can save up the money for the necessary paperwork and send it to her. She will just have to suck it up and deal with him being gone for the next 6 months or so. I then told her my help runs out in the next week or two... I will get her set up and moved into her apartment.

I can't handle this emotional roller coaster. I have problems of my own --- problems I'm intent on solving... problems that are steadily being solved.... do not need her never-ending drama in my life.

This all might seem cold... but at this point, I'm beginning to care less and less.

[bluesummer]

I don't get it....why isn't your mom taking responsibility to take care of the immigration stuff for HER husband? Why is this your job?

Did they meet on the internet or something? Sorry, I must've missed the story behind all this.

[Mish]

So that's why he suddenly disappeared. He was deported.

Man, so much crap. I don't blame you for pretending those two are just imaginary people.

[Aeradalia]

I don't get it....why isn't your mom taking responsibility to take care of the immigration stuff for HER husband? Why is this your job?

Did they meet on the internet or something? Sorry, I must've missed the story behind all this.

She grew up with him.. they've been married for one year.

It's my job because when I was growing up I always fixed her problems... I was raised up to be the 'problem-solver'... and somehow 'owed' her that servitude.

I was the child that ruined her life (unplanned pregnancy), I didn't turn out to be the little girl she wanted, and I'm smarter than her to boot. The only thing she has as leverage on me is my love for her and loyalty. However, that's been worn thin over the years.

So that's why he suddenly disappeared. He was deported.

Man, so much crap. I don't blame you for pretending those two are just imaginary people.

He left for Germany on his own... he tried to return to the states... but his paperwork was incorrect, so they are deporting him now.

My mom is wanting me to sort out his immigration issues for her... but I have other things on my plate as well.

When we left the airport... I just turned on the mp3 player and hoped she didn't want to talk. Once I got home she was wanting hugs, offering to cook dinner... and other methods of 'buttering' me up to do the research she wants me to do. I just turned on the music again, and hoped time would go by faster. Have a long few days left this week... don't have time for this shit.

[Gigabitch]

Maybe she should go to Germany. You know, to be with him. yeah, you should tell her that.

****, she's working MY nerve, and I only know her second-hand through the internet.

[vashti]

Yes, she sounds annoying, but she is only doing what you allowed to get away with over the years. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't set some new boundaries. That is the nature of parent-child relationships as the child grows up.

Try saying this: "Wow, that sucks. What are you going to do about it?"

When she asks for you to handle something, say: "I wish I could, but I am overwhelmed with my own problems right now. i will be happy to get you the phone number, though" or "I can't help you right now because I am dealing with a lot of my own issues, but if I were you, I would contact ___________".

[Gribble]

When my parents start making demands I just smile and say, "Sorry, can't help." The more they plead, the more they guilt trip, the more I smile and shake my head. I don't even discuss it with them.

My parents don't come to me when they have problems anymore.

[Aeradalia]

My mom is unstable enough to come to my work and have me fired, keep some of my mail (such as bills I need to pay), or interfere with some other pivotal aspect of my life if I don't comply. Guilt trips are generally better than having my life turned upside down.

I understand your point Vashti... setting up such boundaries with my Dad was easy... my Mom is very unstable... I fear what she may do to me (financially) or herself. Though I'm beginning to care less about the latter.

I wish I could just kick her out the door without any repercussions.

[Aeradalia]

Dammit... and I was just beginning to enjoy being free of my depression...

[vashti]

Oh my god! She'd seriously try to hurt you if you didn't do as she wished? Honestly, if that is the case, I think I would pack up and move out of state, without bothering to tell her where I was going. She sounds seriously f'd up. No wonder you are depressed.

[Aeradalia]

Before my medical insurance was canceled... I did find the medical cause of my depression... two week's worth of medicine will clear that up... The doctor wasn't sure why they didn't find it when I went to the ER a few weeks ago.

It's been a week so far and I feel very capable and have my moments of happiness... even in the midst of all of this. If I had been depressed like I was a few weeks ago... I'd probably be curled up in a ball thinking the whole world was against me. Instead, I'm motivated to formulate plans, stick with them... and take enjoyment in the things I love in the meantime (such as reading, drawing, and listening to music).

It's not the ties with my mom that I am trying to keep intact... it's the ties with everyone else who can really help me in the future. So I have to send my Mom down the road, but in a very kind way. Plus, doing so will take away any motive for her to be hostile towards me.

But yes, as soon as she's gone... I will leave in the next three months (lease is up then)... and move to another part of Dallas, away from her.

[bluesummer]

I'm with Giga.....you should suggest she move to Germany. Seriously.