lacks that one thing... does it matter?

[dragoon]

Obviously we all look for certain things in a mate. If someone lacks those qualities, we usually turn them down.

But what if you meet someone who blows you away, you get along with amazingly well and everything is just awesome... except they lack a certain trait you specifically look for. Then what would you do? I mean everything about them is just amazing, except they just happen to come up short in one area you consider rather important. Do you automatically not pursue it? See if you can live without that trait? Look for other ways to bond? Perhaps see if you can influence that trait into them (in a positive, healthy way)?

Just curious... (ok so I'm sort of in this situation right now )

[kawabungz]

i would try to show that good trait myself and try to let it rub off on my mate.....

[BillyGalbreath]

I think it depends on the trait - like certain habbits or whatnot

religion, politics, etc... <- those are things that most oftenly dont change... But they could..

There is laot of things I cant think of right now that will back up what I am saying... But **** - my mind is not here atm

What trait is it exactly that this mate is lacking ? knowing this might jog my memory some more...

[dragoon]

She's not really interested in, er, shall I say more "intellectual" things. It's not that she's not smart, she really is (and is much smarter than me in a lot of ways). But like I really enjoy talking about art, emotions, politics, etc. Long, thoughtful conversations are something I really look for in friendships and relationships. She doesn't. She prefers to just have fun and enjoy herself and her company. Don't get me wrong, I do too. But I like to have both.

But like I said we're awesome together, and this lack of more thought provoking discussion in our relationship hasn't bothered me yet. I just wonder if it will down the road. For now I love being with her and that's enough I suppose. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it.

[sfalexi]

You just have to consider everything and how much that trait means to you. Do you think you could survive just talking politics etc. with someone else and not with her? Or is it really going to annoy you and frustrate you more and more?

[dragoon]

I've thought of that. In a way that challenges what a relationship means to me. But in all truth, she's really challenged my idea of what a relationship is already, in many other (good) ways

I guess time will tell. The more I learn of her the more I like her, and it's very possible this little hang up will fade.

[BillyGalbreath]

Well Good.

[IceQueen]

Yeah. I automatically do not pursue. If it's important to me, it's important to me. I don't settle.

[Pretender]

Let her know how interested you are in those things and most likely just to impress you or to have something to discuss with you she will educate her self on them. People rub off on one another.

[dragoon]

Actually she has a bit. I was impressed. But at the same time it kind of felt like "well this is what he wants". If she's just doing it for me then I don't think I'm interested.

[Breezy18]

I agree with Pretender. She may just find out she enjoys discussing and learning about those things. Just give it a chance.
I dated a guy a while back who was really into hockey. I wasn't. But the more he made me watch.......( I didn't have to, but wanted to see what all the fuss was about), the more I realized how great it was. I haven't seen him in years but I am still crazy about hockey. Weird.
If it doesn't work then you need to decide whether it's something you can do without in this relationship. Maybe do as Alexi says and discuss those things with someone else. Sometimes if someone falls a little short in one area that's REALLY important to us, we eventually resent them for it. Sucks, I know, but I've been there. I think you may need to just give it time. Good luck.

[MVPlaya]

She's not really interested in, er, shall I say more "intellectual" things. It's not that she's not smart, she really is (and is much smarter than me in a lot of ways). But like I really enjoy talking about art, emotions, politics, etc. Long, thoughtful conversations are something I really look for in friendships and relationships. She doesn't. She prefers to just have fun and enjoy herself and her company. Don't get me wrong, I do too. But I like to have both.

But like I said we're awesome together, and this lack of more thought provoking discussion in our relationship hasn't bothered me yet. I just wonder if it will down the road. For now I love being with her and that's enough I suppose. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it.

Thats a deal killer with me. I don't know about your situation, but if a girl makes for boring conversation then they'd make for great friends, but crappy girlfriends. Anyway, I take it you're not looking for marriage right now, right? Date lots of girls, you'll be surprised what you'll end up liking.

[SteveM]

Am I way off here then in saying, no, not having certain traits is NOT important? I seem to be the only one of this opinion.

Ok, sure we're all attracted to certain types or something but if they don't have to be identical to us. I've never known anyone male or female who was into all the things I am or has all the values I have or whatever mainly because I have my own interests, like while most of my friends here play football and stuff, I'm into cars and racing, that sort of stuff. I'd love a woman to be into that too so we'd have something in common but lets face it, sitting under a car isn't something that excites most women but that doesn't exactly matter to me. Poeple have their own interests and ways about them.

Just the fact that this persons seems to make such an impact on you that you'd write to this forum must mean you feel something for them, why do you not want to follow up on that because they aren't exactly like you? Or why do you need to change them? Hmm, like I said, maybe I'm missing something.

[dragoon]

It's not "having things in common", that's different. In fact we are so unbelievably different it amazes me. We basically have nothing in common, and that's not a problem at all.

It's just I tend to seek traits in potential partners. I think most people do. I need to date someone fun, for example. If they just want to stay home all the time or are afraid to just relax, then I can pretty much guarantee it'd be a rocky relationship no matter how amazing she is in all other regards. Same thing here with this particular trait.

I guess some "traits" are more important than others. I don't think I could ever date someone who's view on sex was vastly different from mine. But in this case, this "trait" seems to be proving to be more and more minor as time goes by.

[sfalexi]

Like I said before, it depends on what YOU think of it. Not the trait itself, just what YOU think of it. If you think it'll blow over and you'll be able to look past it, then do so. If you think it really bothers you, then it's something to contend with.

Alexi