Does anyone ACTUALLY want to be single forever?

[metermaid]

First of all, I want to thank everyone here and this forum for giving me some fantastic advice when I was dealing with my last failed serious relationship about 3 years ago. This is a wonderful support system... and I need all your help again, please!

Here's the story: I was dating him for about a year, we were serious and monogamous for only about 2 months, but from the very beginning, we both knew that we were a fantastic match for each other. The timing just wasnt right at first. We were both new in town, going through a lot of changes, and basically just having fun. We dated for about 7-8 months and everything was great. It was casual and there was limited emotional entanglement and it was great. Then we lost contact in September of 2013, he says it was because he was scared of the feelings he was developing for me, but I dont know what to believe at this point. He got back in contact with me in December 2013, I was reluctant to talk to him again but I went for it, knowing how well we got along before, and thinking it would just be casual again so I wasn't going to be that much of a risk.

Well I was wrong.

In January we decided to commit to each other in a serious monogamous relationship and it was going so well. It was as if we never lost contact, it was the kind of connection that doesn't happen very often. Everything was aligned between us, from the way we think and talk to our views of the world and our goals in life. We fell for each other hard and fast. He started hinting at things like getting a dog together, our families meeting, moving to a different part of the state together in the future. Serious long-term plans. And everything fit into place.

We spent last weekend together and it was the same as always: amazing. Then on Monday night he came to my place and told me that he didn't think we should be together anymore. He told me some nonsense reason like our lifestyles are too different and I go out and drink more than he does (which isn't true, so I knew there was another reason), but I didn't push it. I was devastated and crushed, and I tried to argue, but I knew he had some reason in his head that he wasn't sharing and if I don't know the reason, there is really no way for me to argue against it.

Anyway, on Wednesday, he called me and said he wanted to be honest and tell me what was really going on. He told me that he realized monogamy just is not for him, and he was struggling with the idea of being with just one woman. He said we are two independent people that don't need each other and we shouldn't have to change our perspectives to be together.

So far, this just sounds like he is over it and doesnt want to be together anymore. If it were just that, I would be more able to move on, but he kept telling me how much he loved me and that i am the only woman he could ever see himself building a life with. He has seen his friends get married and they're happy and he wants that but he feels like he is fighting his nature and that he will inevitably one day cheat on me. He said that he knew this about himself deep down but since he loved me so much, he thought we could work.

I should also mention that we have discussed having an open relationship, this is something that I have always thought could work with the right couple and I think he and I would have worked it out. But he asked me pretty early on in the relationship, told him I wanted to build up a good foundation first and then we would talk about it again later and figure out what kind of open relationship would work for us. After he told me he wanted to break up, I asked if he realized that he only wanted an open relationship, and he said, no, he just wants to be single. Mostly, I feel very disappointed and misled because he was always the one to initiate our conversations about the future and he was the one always telling me about how he could see us lasting forever and he was the one who wanted to be in a serious relationship to begin with.



So I guess what it all comes down to for me is: Is he just running away from his feelings again and giving up too soon? Or does he actually want to be single his whole life? I value my independence as well and I love a random lay as much as the next girl, but ultimately I value having a meaningful relationship more than random sex. And I love being single usually, but of course I would give it up to be with someone who is such a good match for me. I think if he really loved me like I do him, he would be willing to make some sacrifices to be with me. But then the foolish, optimistic side of me thinks he just got scared again and will regret his decision in a few months and want to come back to me.

PLEASE HELP, I know I am in insane-heart-broken-dysfunctional-brain-mode right now. I can't think clearly.

[basilandthyme]

I've lost count of the number of guys I've know who avoided commitment for many years and then they've gone and gotten married. Why? They met the right girl.

He may love you, but not 'the one' who will change his attitude.

[Valixy]

I think that you took a risk by dating a guy who's at a time in his life when he wants no commitment. You both developed some feelings but he feels less for you than you for him, or he simply wouldn't be able to leave you, no matter what other explanation he gives you. You should move on from this guy who thinks that he can come back in your life for a while whenever it suits him and don't try casual relationships anymore hoping they'll successfully turn into serious ones. It rarely works that way.