I have a friend who has this girl...

[Indus18]

I have this friend who has dated two of our mutual female friends. All three of them go to school about an hour from where I live. The first one he dated was a very very close friend of mine, and he treated her horribly. He manipulated her, cheated on her, drove her apart from her friends (she and I weren't even speaking by the end of their relationship, and neither were he and I) and changed who she was. From a cheerful, outgoing, academic success, she became lazy, depressed, and introverted. It took her a while to even get close to back to normal.

After she FINALLY broke up with him, my friendship with her was restored, and when his efforts to get her back failed, he started acting very suicidal and depressed. As a good person, I talked to him down from a lot of precipices, and our tenuous friendship resumed. He and I are buddies in that we have the same sense of humor, and are both intelligent and hard-working, we help each other w/ work and other similar favors, but when it comes to women we're completely different.

While his relationship w/ the first girl was going on, he fooled around w/ the second girl who had never had a bf before, and she eventually called the whole thing off because she felt guilty about helping him cheat. After hsi relationship ended, i spent countless hours not just being a yes-man, but reprimanding him for his treatment of his ex, and his psychotic, controlling behavior, and told him that I would encourage him to date the second girl if he really liked her, but not until he gets himself sorted out, and stops treating women like toys: pushing buttons just to see what happens, and then taking no emotional accountability.

Well after a few months, he started dating the girl who is gorgeous by the way, and he seemed to treat her well at first, but now the same patterns are emerging. I tried to talk to him at first and tell him the kind of manipulative ultimatums and behavior he was throwing her way were appalling but he would only agree to get me off his case and then resume. I didn't talk to her that much after they started dating, because truthfully she and i were never That close. I knew her because we had overlapping friends, but I was never interested in her romantically beyond her appearance simply because we have different interests and different personalities. She's pretty shy, and I'm pretty outgoing, among other things.

She's tried talking to me about him a lot lately, but I don't want to get caught in the middle. I drop hints that I think she can do better without outright saying it, because I don't want this friend thinking i'd go behind his back to break up his relationship. As she and I have become closer, she hits on me a lot, tells me I'm good looking, charming, brilliant, asks me why i don't have a gf right now, etc etc. She even tells me to come hang out w/ her when her bf isn't around, and I've always declined. Now that I'm getting to know her though, I do feel more attracted toward her, we have similar ethnic backgrounds, and plus this stupid "hero complex" really makes me want to swoop in and save her. It seems to me that she never breaks up w/ him because as her first bf, seh's scared, seh doesn't know what else is out there, and a lot of people are naive in that way near the end of their first relationship.

I've never dated a girl on the rebound, especially not one who is currently dating a friend of mine, and I'm wondering if this is a dangerous situation. My friendship w/ the guy isn't that important to me, because clearly he doesn't hold my opinions in very high regard, and i told him specifically, "do NOT treat this girl badly. She's really sweet and innocent and deserves better" and I know that she does virtually nothing wrong and cares for him a lot, and gets sh*tstorms in return. When I try to encourage her as a friend, and lift her up, and let her know she needs to move on, there's no movement. I'm sure takign her up on her offer and visiting, I could convince her in person, but then the post break-up shitstorm would fall on me: both her emotional baggage, and the ex-friend going insane. I just dont' knwo what to do. I've started caring for her a lot, she's clearly interested in me, I'm not sure I want her ,but I am intrigued, and I think the guy she's with is DESTROYING her, and hurting her a LOT, all while telling her he loves her. I knwo I could renew her confidence, make her happy, and if thigns didn't work out, I feel like we could separate amicably without anyone getting too badly hurt. Am I being naive? Is this a bad idea considering that what I want more than anything is for this "friend" of mine to stop hurting this sweet girl who is quickly becoming depressed and dependent on him? I really feel like this is the only way to make a difference, and now that she and I seem to actually be getting close despite my best efforts to stay away, it doesn't seem like such a poor idea. Does anyone who read all of that have an opinion on this?

[Cain]

You really think that if you and her got together and you broke up with her that it would be amicable? She's staying with her current bf because she's never had a bf before and she's a bit attached. If you come in and "save" her from this situation, she's likely going to get extremely attached to you and leaving her could destroy her.

This isn't your situation to fix. She's an adult (I hope?) and can make her own decisions and mistakes. You've got to let her. Unless he's physically abusive, she doesn't need someone to save her. She can walk away whenever she wants to.

Honestly, I don't think you're really interested in her romantically. I think you're interested in the idea of saving her from her situation and once that wears off you won't want her.

[IndiReloaded]

She's tried talking to me about him a lot lately, but I don't want to get caught in the middle. I drop hints that I think she can do better without outright saying it, because I don't want this friend thinking i'd go behind his back to break up his relationship.

Here's your problem^. Guy who likes a girl & lets her vent to him about her BF problems will become attached. There is no mbe about this, its a foregone conclusion.

You have White Knight Syndrome. You are putting yourself in the role of her 'rescuer'. Bad. Step away from the situation. Do not, in any way, encourage her to vent to you. Don't drop hints. Hints = going behind his back, but in the worst way. Recipe for trouble.

If she breaks up w/him, for her reasons, make your move then. But do not be responsible for their breakup, even remotely. You will only get more attached & possibly shredded. Or she will.