My Girlfriend left me

[nissancraig]

Hi everyone. Sorry this is quite a long story.
My Girlfriend recently broke up. We had been going out for about 16 months.
When we first started going out it was really hard because she lives quite far from my house. So it was allot of driving back and fourth between each others house. Initially it was once or twice a week, but as things heated up it was pretty much every night. So eventually after about 3 months I thought it would make more sence for her to move in with me. So that's what we did. And all was well for another few months, but then I started to see things in her, insecurities. She would often say that she was scared that I wouldn't love her anymore and that she couldn't imagine her life without her. At the time I reasurred her and told her I wasn't going to leave her because I really did love her. This went on for quite a while, and I felt pressure to give her the attention she needed which I did, but I sacrificed my own need's like having some time alone and enjoying things I do by myself. It took me awhile to realise that this wasn't healthy for me as I was feeling very smothered by her. She would get quite upset and insecure If I didn't hug her enough or spend enough time with her. I resisted talking to her about how I was feeling because I knew that If I talked to her about it, she would take it as me not loving her anymore and that I wanted to break up with her. Eventually I couldn't hold onto it any more and told her how I was feeling and everything I feared was true. I tried to explain it to her, but she kept insisting that I had to love her the way she was. So after quite a while she grew to understand my situation and there was more space between us which I was happier with. Things were really good for a while and I was really happy in the relationship.
The next thing that happen was her grandparents passing away about 6 months ago, which was really terrible for her and I made sure to stay by her side and support her through that tough time. This event sent her into a spiral of depression which she is still in now. I can except that she would be this way for a while so I just looked after her and supported her through this tough time. After a few months though. There was no real improvement on her mental state. She was very unmotivated, she wasn't cleaning up after herself or even taking regular showers. She said she had lost the motivation to live. So I was the one cleaning, cooking and tidying, as I watched on in frustration as she slothed around the house. I hoped that this would pass in time, but it didn't and eventually I confronted her with it. I tried telling her that her grandparents wouldn't want to see her dragging her life on the ground just because they passed away. I brought up her not doing her share about 4 times over a few months and nothing really changed. It would get better for a while, but then she would just go back to her old ways. Eventually I sat down with her and told her I loved her, but I was absolutly sick of pulling all the weight around the house and that things had to change. She said that she was trying so hard, but becasue of her depression she couldn't do any more than she already was. So she left me. She says she doesn't want to drag me down this road with her, she knows shes got problems, but she feels like she can't deal with them and my needs in the relationship at the same time. She say’s she still loves me.
I don't know what to do. I really love this girl, but I don't know how to make it work.

[lahnnabell]

It sucks that after ALL of your effort to make her comfortable and meet her needs that she failed to meet any of yours in the end. I give you a lot of credit for standing up for yourself despite your worries to hurt her. You have suffered as well, and it seems like she needs to get some professional help before anything will get better for her. You are not a therapist and should not have the sole responsibility of coaching this girl through life.

She's got a lot of growing to do. I know you want to be by her side during this but she's right. She needs to figure out how to take care of herself again and staying with you will only encourage her to keep shirking her responsibilities. Give it some time and I think you will find that you'll be relieved you can start caring for YOURself again. It's still gonna hurt, but right now you are better off.

[nissancraig]

Thank you lannabell.
It's a hard step to take, but im doing my best to let go of the person I love. Sometimes I feel strong enough, other times I just want to call her.
Thank you for your very insightful message. Just writing out the story of my relationship made me realise how much I have put into it, with little or nothing in return.

[Jas_mine]

I have dated somebody with depression, not quite like the one you experienced but rather just bouts of it, he would just sink into it for a week or so and then snap out of it, and it's tough. You want to save your loved one but it's difficult to do so when they don't seem intent on trying to themselves. It gets to the point where nothing you do establishes any results. You have to be pretty unconditional and patient, even sacrificing if you want to take on a relationship with somebody suffering from depression, not to mention you have to be extremely understanding - they just become almost zombie-like and lose interest in life, they can't seem to muster up the will or energy to go about with their daily routine, everything becomes impossible, they feel emotionally drained and numb and then push you away - how do you help somebody when they don't even want you around?

Yes, she needs some professional help but this isn't a cure, unfortunately there is no cure, pills can elevate your mood for a while but the depression is always there, you can't run from it. Her choosing to walk away from you was a very unselfish act on her part, taking in consideration her earlier feelings and insecurities regarding you abandoning her. She knew she couldn't drag you down with her, which is exactly how the guy I used to date felt, that he was unworthy of me, that I was wasting my time with somebody like him, even though I tried to reassure him otherwise. I don't know, maybe you should let her be, let her figure things out and stabilise herself. If you do truly love her though, you should consider taking her hand and accompanying her through her darkness - sometimes they need proof that somebody cares - be there as a shoulder to cry on, somebody that she can talk to if ever she feels like it. I know it's frustrating because for the most part they become withdrawn. Or they are like almost possessed but just remember that they can't quite understand it themselves, it's an illness, they may say or do things in the heat of the moment that they don't actually mean, they are not actually their real selves when they are depressed so you musn't take it to heart.

It is a rocky and turbulent path. Maybe you should take your relationship down a notch and just provide her with friendship - don't let her be deserted, be a friend, she needs it now more than ever.

[nissancraig]

I have encouraged her to talk to a professional about her issues and she has agreed to go along. This has definatly helped her deal with life a bit better. I understand her depression, because I have suffered from it myself and still do sometimes. I guess her depression is worse than mine. It might be wrong, but I feel like looking after her in her fragile state has made me stronger and better able to deal with my own depression, by focusing on her instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time. I truly understand how she feels and I know how hard it can be, and so I just wanted to be there for her. The trouble is it wasn't functioning as a relationship. I wasn't happy in the relationship anymore. This has been and still is a very tough time for me, but I think I am strong enough to accept what has happened and move on.
Thank you for you message Jas-mine. I talked to her yesterday and told her that she was doing the right thing and that I would be there for her as a friend if she needed me.

[lahnnabell]

When two people are struggling there is still one person who will take point. I found that I was typically that person in my past relationships while my exes sat back to enjoy the ride. All at my expense. I finally decided I wasn't having that anymore and worked on being upfront about the things I will and will not put up with. I had been in too many relationships that ended in me feeling drained of all life and energy (and I typically have a lot of energy). I would sleep 9-10 hours a night and still feel tired and sluggish. My work began to suffer. It was a horrible time.

I didn't realize how much I was suffering in my last relationship until I finally got out. A couple of weeks of tears passed and I began to develop a new routine that didn't include my ex. I had more time to myself and with my friends. I actually had time to MAKE friends instead of catering to my ex all the time. And despite the fact that I was still hurting over the break-up and the loss of the relationship, I pushed myself into dating (casually, mind you) to remind myself of what a great person I can be and that there are great independent, functional guys out there. 6 months after the break-up I met my current boyfriend whom I adore.

You'll get there in time

[Teddy057]

Remember one thing. You can't help people who don't want it.

[nissancraig]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to update the situation with my now ex. Im not even sure why im writing this on here. Maybe it will help me somehow. Over the last couple of weeks I have been trying to be a friend to my ex. I want to be there for her at least on a friend basis and I'd like it if we could be friends to. It's important to me. But she has become really cold towards me. She never initiates the conversation and If I didn't talk to her, she would'nt talk to me at all. When we broke up, we agreed that we should be friends, but it seems like she doesn't want that anymore. Im really upset by this because it feels like im loosing a freind as well now. Maybe I need to give things more time, im not sure.

[lahnnabell]

She has feelings for you and needs to get over them. You can't be friends with an ex. It never works.

[cmacattack1]

It all sounds good to "be friends" after, but to be friends you have to put past feelings behind and move forward. Kind of difficult when they are still in your life. It works both ways. Give her some time to her own, it shouldn't surprise you that she is like this. Leave her be for the both of you.

[BelievNLove]

On top of the depression she is struggling with, it most likely is hard for her to talk to you when it seems like you are already fine with just being friends. It sounds like she still loved you when she left, just couldn't take care of herself, let alone a relationship. Give her some time... You sound like a genuinely caring person. If you truly want a friendship with her at some point, she needs more time.

[Martin84]

I think you have done enough to try to help her. She probably has a pretty serious bout of depression or is just one lazy and miserable person. You will have to judge which one it is. Take her to a psychologist and get her evaluated. There is no concrete answers for things like this but ultimately you have to understand that love has to be reciprocated. What if you care for her for the rest of your life and never get anything in return other than excuses.

I really hope you find an answer to your dilemma.