Help would be appreciated- Really hard time for me

[makingitrite101]

I really need some help here...

First let me tell you about my girl and I...we both have some terrible things happen to us. For her, her mother abandoned her when she was very young and now their relationship is really limited, they only talk about once a month or so. Her father and her have a way better relationship now but for a while her relationship with her father was not so great. This has caused her to be flirty and other issues that come with so called "daddy baggage." She also has had a step mom in her house who would limit her to do anything in her younger years, causing her to want to go out drink and have a good time often. Which i don't really have a problem with anymore, but i did before. I want her to have her fun, she deserves it.

As for me, my father cheated on my mother and it has caused me to really have some trust issues, control issues, and jealousy issues. I also tend to RUSH through things to take next steps in relationships that we were not yet ready for. All of these issues i have been trying to identify so that i can train myself to identify them and let them go.

I love this girl unconditionally, and we have connected on so many levels especially understanding what happened with both of our parents and both of us not wanting to let that happen in our lives. But above all we have had a fun playful relationship but also could great really serious in such a great way. I took care of this girl like no one would believe. I would take her out on amazing dates, told her how much i loved her and that i would never hurt her like her parents did. I just never really trusted her, which caused me to be controlling about what she did. I know that if i really trusted her, really took time to actually listen to what she had to say instead of bombarding her with everything that i wanted or i imagined for us i know that i could of made things right. But she made some mistakes too, when i was controlling she would actually do the things that i didn't want her to do, which i guess something girls do. Maybe i am wrong.

Anyways, I came up to to school on the east coast and she is back home 3,000 miles away on the east coast. There was no way it was going to work out fumbling around all of these problems. We broke up, got back together, broke up again, and got back together again, then broke up.... and each time i did the same thing over and over and she kept telling me that if things are going to work that we have to be friends first. So I agreed that this is what we should do, but i just realized i have NO IDEA how to be her friend... How do i be her friend? Can someone tell me what steps i should take in order get her back? My friend back home also called me asking me if it was alright if he took her on a date, this really hurt. I told him how i felt about her but she isnt my actual girlfriend so i cant control what he does or she does. But then i began to think and maybe this would be a perfect opportunity to see what i mean to her. I know she still loves me, we have dated for 2 years and one year on and off... I just want to take careful steps to get the girl i love back. I just need some advice.

[Gigabitch]

I hear a lot of excuses and explanations for bad behavior. Look, I had a shitty upbringing too, but I didn't use it as an excuse for being a party slut.

At this point, with you being "friends", you have even less to say about her antics. I don't think there's much you can do beyond protecting yourself from getting hurt and just waiting to see if she grows up.

[cmacattack1]

Those are reasons. They aren't excuses. We all have our own shitty issues but hiding behind them does not get us anywhere fast. Accepting them, understanding them, and working on them is how she can grow up and mature to be a better person. Something you could use this time for is working on yourself. You've highlighted your own shortcomings, but that doesn't mean a damn thing if you don't work on them.

Don't toot your own horn here thinking that you did everything right and treated her like a princess. Controlling is not treating her good. You can buy her lots of things, take her on amazing dates, and spoil the crap out of her. Trying to control her, not listening to her, and taking her for granted is not how you treat a woman. You didn't trust her. That's understandable. The relationship couldn't progress and I'm sure she suffered because of it. Never hurt her? Maybe you don't realize what you have done.

And I think it shows from the breaking up and getting back together again and again. Nothing changed, nothing was solved, nobody was listening. What's to say that it wouldn't happen again? You are finally asking the questions and reaching out for help. I think you should really focus on yourself and concentrate on what you need to do more so than on what she is doing and where she ends up. Things are strained, there is alot of hurt, you have a tough history. A future between you two isn't very likely. But the silver lining is that if it doesn't work out with her, it can with somebody else. Somebody you don't have a bad history with. Somebody you can have a fresh start with. Working on yourself will help you ensure that you won't screw it up again on your part.