I need advice from From some Experienced People who have been Hurt. Please!

[cd32505n4]

So I was hoping someone here could help me out. There is a girl who is 24 years old that I used to date back in High school and College. We separated 4 years ago and we just recently reconnected when I moved back home. I am 26.

She just broke up with her prior bf a few months ago who she has a child with (3 years old) and we have been seeing each other for about 3 months now (literally right after she broke up with him). At first it was more of a physical relationship but I find myself now wanting more. She has told me numerous times that she likes how things are and she doesnt want to commit to me. At first she said she did not want to date anyone but recently she said if If I start working with you and I meet some great guy is that going to effect the work environment which made me believe its just me she has no interest in (she will be working for me soon). Now I let this go and moved on as if nothing happened but as time goes on I find myself wanting her more. We still have physical relations but when she starts working for me in a few weeks I am not sure how to handle things.

My question is do I just back off and walk away (so hard to do because I love her and have known her for 12 years). Or is there something I can do that would change her mind about me? Maybe something I can do that would make her want to be with me again..?


I was reading an article and it hit home for me. The main point was this. Men who get sex from a woman generally does not want to be with them because they are already getting sex and they do not need to commit. Woman who get emotional support from a man generally will not want to be with that man either because they are already getting what they need without any commitment.

My point is that since I am always there for her emotionally and help her through everything why would she want to commit to me when she will get nothing more out of it? I know you can say well shes giving you sex so why do you want to be with here after the point I just made but I am the 1% that wants the sex and the emotional commitment.

Can anyone help me here? maybe someone who has experienced something like this?? Please.



PS: I feel like I am setting myself up to get extremely hurt.

[Wakeup]

She has told me numerous times that she likes how things are and she doesnt want to commit to me.

How can you respect yourself when you want her for more then sex but all she wants you for is sex, a job and whatever emotional tampon-like actions you so generously bestowe upon her. She doesn't love you but she will certainly take what you're handing out until she finds someone else.

I'm embarassed for you that you don't see how she takes from you and pays you for what you give her with sex. She doesn't love you, Man.

My point is that since I am always there for her emotionally and help her through everything why would she want to commit to me when she will get nothing more out of it?

Ask instead why would she commit to you when you give her whatever the fk she wants and can still date other guys because she knows you don't respect yourself and you'll keep giving until she no longer feels like taking what you're handing out.

Bottomline and her motivation for being with you in a non-committed way: You are emotonally invested. She is not but currently enjoys the benefits.

[cd32505n4]

How can you respect yourself when you want her for more then sex but all she wants you for is sex, a job and whatever emotional tampon-like actions you so generously bestowe upon her. She doesn't love you but she will certainly take what you're handing out until she finds someone else.

I'm embarassed for you that you don't see how she takes from you and pays you for what you give her with sex. She doesn't love you, Man.

Ask instead why would she commit to you when you give her whatever the fk she wants and can still date other guys because she knows you don't respect yourself and you'll keep giving until she no longer feels like taking what you're handing out.

Bottomline and her motivation for being with you in a non-committed way: You are emotonally invested. She is not but currently enjoys the benefits.

Thank you for your honesty. I agree. So what do I do tell her no more and I want a commitment or do I just walk?

[Wakeup]

Just walk. By the sounds of things if you tell her you want a committment she'll just tell you what you want to hear so she can keep getting "the benefits" in this 'friends with benefits' dynamic and then just dump you when she's ready.

Tell her that you're not interested in continuing the "arrangement" any longer and then just stop hanging with her, running to her rescue and most of all... fking her. If she wants to continue the friendship then just tell her you don't want female friends.. you're looking for a lifepartner not a buddy then end the convo politely and matter of factly.

Some would tell you to stop all the nice and just do her while you look for a decent relationship partner... I think you're too emotionally involved for that so don't stagnate yourself to her with that scenerio.

Good luck.

[cd32505n4]

Thanks man. You pin pointed it.

[UKRomantic]

I'm going to talk from experience.

I had a similar situation that I'm currently going through. We dated, we had fun, we was close. We spoke everyday, all day for over a year.

We never went serious, but both of us were happy to just see where things go. And things seemed to be going great, untill it all started slowing down a little. We still spoke all the time, but things didn't seem normal. She said I was being off with her, I said it was her been off, not me. Bla bla bla.

Eventually I asked what it is she wants. I got the reply "I just want us to be friends for now, I think it's for the best. I'm not ready to be in a serious relationship, nor do I want one anytime soon, I have my daughter and she's the only thing i want to concentrate on right now" Then came out all the "You shouldn't wait for me, you could be missing out on someone better. You will soon realise I'm not right for you"

I was hurt, I tried to explain we can take things slowly, that I'm happy to wait and carry on as we were but the more I tried, the further away she tried pushing me. Then one day, I got it into my head that I need to walk away - Take a step backwards.
I've stopped talking to her, explained that I can't keep talking and seeing her all the time as it's not what normal "friends" do. Now, she will either realise in time that she misses me and does have more feelings, or the time I spend not talking to her helps me sort my head out and move on.

[Heart Healer]

Hi,

My question is do I just back off and walk away (so hard to do because I love her and have known her for 12 years). Or is there something I can do that would change her mind about me? Maybe something I can do that would make her want to be with me again..?

I suggest you to wait for sometime more. Its been couple of months since you guys have reconnected. She has just come out of a heartbreak. She has a 3 years old child to take care of and too much to handle. Involving in another relationship with you will take sometime. Re-collect herself, think about it, think about where this relationship will take her etc...all these things will take sometime. Right now, she has other things on priority. Let her stabilize herself first, do away with the bitter experience from past and then think about what she has in hand now. If she's gonna be with you, she will. Give another 3-4 months to her. You have already conveyed to her the idea of settling up with you, to which her response is negative. Let her decide on her own what to do from now.

As of now, just be with her as a friend. Perhaps, she needs some care, some help or just an emotional support.

My point is that since I am always there for her emotionally and help her through everything why would she want to commit to me when she will get nothing more out of it?

Though its not always justified, but people find satisfaction in involving physically with someone just to cope up with tensions or handle emotional outburst. Same might be the case with you. But, this is not going to continue forever. For a while, she got you luckily and involved with you on physically grounds just to do away with her bitter experiences. This might continue for another few months but sooner or later, she will have to think seriously about her future. She is just 24 and has a long life to live. For obvious reasons, she cannot depend on you for this physical and emotional support for the rest of her life.

Even if this is the case, things will improve. Things should improve, they have to eventually. For a while, you can try to avoid having sex with her if you are looking for a serious relationship with her based on emotional grounds. Check, if she is then really interested in you from her heart or you are just a means for her to satisfy her urge. Whatever the result is, rest depends on you to decide how and where you would like to take this further.

[cd32505n4]

I'm going to talk from experience.

I had a similar situation that I'm currently going through. We dated, we had fun, we was close. We spoke everyday, all day for over a year.

We never went serious, but both of us were happy to just see where things go. And things seemed to be going great, untill it all started slowing down a little. We still spoke all the time, but things didn't seem normal. She said I was being off with her, I said it was her been off, not me. Bla bla bla.

Eventually I asked what it is she wants. I got the reply "I just want us to be friends for now, I think it's for the best. I'm not ready to be in a serious relationship, nor do I want one anytime soon, I have my daughter and she's the only thing i want to concentrate on right now" Then came out all the "You shouldn't wait for me, you could be missing out on someone better. You will soon realise I'm not right for you"

I was hurt, I tried to explain we can take things slowly, that I'm happy to wait and carry on as we were but the more I tried, the further away she tried pushing me. Then one day, I got it into my head that I need to walk away - Take a step backwards.
I've stopped talking to her, explained that I can't keep talking and seeing her all the time as it's not what normal "friends" do. Now, she will either realise in time that she misses me and does have more feelings, or the time I spend not talking to her helps me sort my head out and move on.

I am sorry your going through this and thank you.

[cd32505n4]

Hi,




I suggest you to wait for sometime more. Its been couple of months since you guys have reconnected. She has just come out of a heartbreak. She has a 3 years old child to take care of and too much to handle. Involving in another relationship with you will take sometime. Re-collect herself, think about it, think about where this relationship will take her etc...all these things will take sometime. Right now, she has other things on priority. Let her stabilize herself first, do away with the bitter experience from past and then think about what she has in hand now. If she's gonna be with you, she will. Give another 3-4 months to her. You have already conveyed to her the idea of settling up with you, to which her response is negative. Let her decide on her own what to do from now.

As of now, just be with her as a friend. Perhaps, she needs some care, some help or just an emotional support.





Though its not always justified, but people find satisfaction in involving physically with someone just to cope up with tensions or handle emotional outburst. Same might be the case with you. But, this is not going to continue forever. For a while, she got you luckily and involved with you on physically grounds just to do away with her bitter experiences. This might continue for another few months but sooner or later, she will have to think seriously about her future. She is just 24 and has a long life to live. For obvious reasons, she cannot depend on you for this physical and emotional support for the rest of her life.

Even if this is the case, things will improve. Things should improve, they have to eventually. For a while, you can try to avoid having sex with her if you are looking for a serious relationship with her based on emotional grounds. Check, if she is then really interested in you from her heart or you are just a means for her to satisfy her urge. Whatever the result is, rest depends on you to decide how and where you would like to take this further.

Thank you very much.

[cd32505n4]

So after I received everyone's advise Yesterday I got a random text message at night from her saying.

"No Love. All Day."

I texted her back saying what does this mean? Looked to me like she was answering a question to another GUY and she texted me by mistake. When I asked her about it she said she was telling me that she said that because I didnt text her all day. Than she started acting extremely nice saying I miss you and this morning I wake up to a message saying LOVE YOU.

I know this is something stupid to base things off of but I think shes talking to another guy. She knows if she I get upset her job is off the table so I just do not trust her.

[cd32505n4]

Anyone have any other opinions?

[UKRomantic]

I think that text was meant for you if I'm honest.

Hard to say what you should to to be honest. Personally I'd tell her you want some space.

[cd32505n4]

I think that text was meant for you if I'm honest.

Hard to say what you should to to be honest. Personally I'd tell her you want some space.

Idk the issue is lately the sex has been diminishing. Back when we forst started hanging out again she was the one initiating it. Than as more time goes on she just wants to cuddle or she says shes tired. I know I am not her bf but I think theres a reason behind this. Either shes not excited about it anymore or there is another person.

[UKRomantic]

It's up to you now.

But she says she is not interested in anything going further between you two, if you can just be friends and cast away your feelings that's great.

But think to yourself:
How would you feel if you stay friends with her, be there for her when she wants someone to talk to, hang out with etc but then one day she starts seeing someone else - Enters a relationship with someone else.

That is exactly what I thought about, and it made me realise I need to cut her loose and move on. I couldn't deal with her seeing someone else it would have crushed me! Deep down i think she is seeing someone else, but I feel easier about it now we don't talk.

[UKRomantic]

Also,

Put the shoe on the other foot.

Have you had girls who you like, as a friend? Them you like to talk to, like to hang out now and again but don't like them in any other way? Wouldn't want a relationship with them but the really like you and want a relationship with you?

I have, and it makes me realise that she's feeling the exact same about me as I do about the other girls.