When to be honest?

[jane]

I will try to make this a short story ....

I am in a real big mess.. well.. not that huge but .. its bad. I am totally, madly, head over heels in love and I have not told the guy yet for many reasons but here is my deliema..

OK, So I work with this guy. We had a prior.. "relationship" .. but I ended it because the guy is married, unhappily, but married just the same. We are GREAT friends... close friends. We tell each other everything. We have the same sense of humor... and well.. he has "moved on" so to speak. I think he may have found someone else to have an affair with and I am deeply heart broken.

I know that he is my soul mate. I knew it the minute I met him. I also know that he has feelings for me but I have no idea how deep they actually run. We have never talked about our past ever. I mean, we have joking.. but we have never spoken of our feelings and its been a few months since the last time. My question is.. do I fess up and tell him how I feel and hopefully open the new chapter of our relationship or do I say nothing and chalk it up as a friendship and leave it at that?

This sounds sort of strange I am sure, but you must understand the attraction and the amount of pure honesty we have in others areas of our friendship. I know he is married and thats not the point. I know he wants to divorce her. I also know he no longer lives with her. Please, I am dying.. I feel like if I dont say anything I will lose an incrediable part of my life or what could be an incrediable part of my life... but .. in the same breath, I am totally afraid I will be rejected and it will hurt everything we have now.

So... if you have some great advice loveforumists... PLEASE!! I need it.

[shh!]

(sigh) If you must say anything at all, tell him you are interested IF and WHEN he leaves his wife. I doubt he will; it sounds like he was just intent on having an affair, and divorces are very expensive. It is usually the wife who asks for them.

Why don't you find yourself a nice, available man instead?

[TAVS]

Always be honest.
Don't mess with a married man.
Move on and find someone who's available instead destroying a family. Besides, he'd just cheat on you some day.

But what are the odds you listen to anything we say on here?

[Ellynn]

You originally ended things because he was married right? Well ....stick to your guns. Now your having second thoughts because you are afraid he might be cheating on his wife with someone else other then you?

If you want to tell him how you feel....go ahead....but I would also keep in mind he is married....and that it doesn't sound like hes gonna leave his wife for you. If you do decide to go for him......give him an ultimatum.....either divorce his wife and be with you......or just be friends.

This situation seems like its gonna set you up for heartbreak. Is it really worth it?

[Tone]

LoL this has to be a joke, right?

I think he may have found someone else to have an affair with and I am deeply heart broken.

I know that he is my soul mate.

He's your soulmate, and you are so sure of it - yet he wants to be with someone else, WHILE he's married he's messing around with not one, not two, but three women? Three women at the very least??

I am totally afraid I will be rejected and it will hurt everything we have now.

I know that he is my soul mate.

I thought he was your soulmate? Why would your soulmate reject you?

So... if you have some great advice loveforumists... PLEASE!! I need it.

Leave the cheating scumbag alone. What the **** is wrong with you girls these days. This jerkoff is willing to cheat on his wife with you, you say no, so he goes to another girl to cheat on his wife with, and HE'S YOUR SOULMATE????

Anytime I wanna know how ****ed up life can really be, I'm glad I'll always have LF to show me.

[Lloyd95]

Home wrecker.

[blue]

Hey jane its been a while
If you are going to ask for what you want out of this relationship then ask, becasue you dont want to go on not knowing. Not knowing imo is the worst. Tell him but please realize that you run a great risk with your heart love is a risk and he is a big red flag. Go into this knowing that the firendship you have built may be ruined and that your heart will indeed break. This man as great as he may be is emotionally unavailable to you and to any other woman he comes accross and by the sounds of it he wont be emotionally available anytime soon.

Tell him Jane.

[squirrley]

OMG...long time babygirl! Ok~you know my thoughts Im sure without even going into detail. But, life is a risk in everything or nothing. You do what you want and you feel is right for YOU. I am one NOT to judge your situation and neither should anyone else. Im afraid for you in this one. Youve gotten over the initial hurt from before, and have established a good solid friendship with him. I wouldnt rock the boat Jane. Leave things alone. I'm sure its going to hurt by letting things be as they are, but its better than putting yourself out there when you know things arent going to change with him, not right now.

As for your thoughts on the soul mate, I can TOTALLY see your point, and if things are meant to be with him, then it will be, but maybe at another time. You HAVE to let this go Jane. I can tell you go ahead and spill your guts out to him, and you do run the risk of losing a friendship. Wouldnt you rather MAINTAIN what you have to keep those possible doors open later on? YOU need to move on in another direction yourself. IF he is having another affair with someone else, it should tell you something. Dont play this one Jane. Its not fair to you.

You and I both know "some" men want their cake and eat it too, dont let him have it right now. IF you want him to see you for who you are, then you walk away from this. Ultimately it is your decision, it is your heart and soul. Personally sweetie, I hate to see you get caught up in this one AGAIN. You are too damn awesome and special to get burned. Let go.

I love you and I hope you'll call me. I miss you.
Again, this is your call, and I know you'll do whats best for you in the long run.

[jane]

HI YA SQUIRT!!!
Thank you girl! I appreciate the non-judgemental attitude. Listen... I know this guy is married still and I know the whole thing is wrong.. I dont need the lecture about it from everyone. I was just asking if it was a good idea to be honest. My low self esteem has been creeping around recently. I know that is situation sounds like I am some kind of hooker and a "home wrecker" as someone so nicely pointed out but I assure you ... I am neither one of those judegemental names. I didnt write every detail and in a way I feel like I should have because everyone has judge me accordingly. Haven't we heard all of this on here before? The thing of it is ... this is MY LIFE .. I dont feel like this is another one of those BS stories about a girl messing around with a married guy but, I would also agree after reading my post again.. I would understand if I was judged that way. Whatever.. people make mistakes and bad choices and obviously this one was mine. Im not perfect .. that is for sure. Just lonely and I guess I fell for someone with whom I felt a strong attraction for. Just for sh#ts and giggles.. he isnt seeing anyone else and he did tell me that I was the only woman he had slept with in 10 years besides his wife. This obviously doesnt change anything.. ultimately HE IS MARRIED! So... I thank you forum.. and appreciate all advice.. even.. the obvious stuff.

[Tone]

You asked for opinions.

Sorry if I was honest in mine.

[nomas]

In short..my advice is to go ahead and spill your guts. If this is as important to you as I interpreted it, then don't keep it in.

BUT CONSIDER THE OUTCOME:

Based on what you've said alone, the general vibe I get from this dude is as most here have said. The dude's not worth it. Looks like "he's just not into you" Jane. Not the way you, anyone, deserves.

I could be wrong. After you come clean he may take you in his arms and say he thinks you're his soulmate too..but I give you low odds on that happening.

Consequences: The friendship will likely be forever altered.

Choice: Is it so important, so deep a feeling that it's worth the risk?

Maybe I've achieved or have fooled myself into thinking I've achieved such a robotic level that I can command how my feelings are invested like I would a financial portfolio, but my advice is to try to direct these energies toward what is convenient for you.

Here's what I do:

I like this girl. Probably as much as you like this guy. I'd use the term "soulmate" if I wasn't careful about what I write. I don't think there is such a thing, though. I think we only really, REALLY like our respective love interests and we're keeping the feeling alive because we all want some love/drama in our lives. Making myself concious of this I continue to be master of my own life and if I desire to, I can hang on to the fantasy/hope that one day we'll be together, while still leading an otherwise unaffected life. I go out, meet new people, open myself up for other opportunities. Only "hope" remains, but I'm not proactive about this. It is what it is, but it lives on it's own, without assistance from me. I'm busy living my own life.

And so should you.