My boyfriend lied repeatedly about past with ex -- they are still married!!

[nietsdoen]

Long story, but I really need help: When I first met my serious boyfriend a 13 months ago to the day, he said he was living on his own, never married, had a couple serious relationships with the last ending about 2 years prior, etc. Well, a few weeks later on IM, he told me that he actually married his first serious girlfriend in 2005 and it lasted about 5 months because she had cheated on him prior, so they divorced. I felt betrayed by his lie, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal. He also supposedly had a female friend living with him at the time, who had just broken up with her boyfriend and needed a place. He got her to leave soon enough.

We almost broke up about 4 times from January to August for various reasons, mainly either I was simply unsure or he was simply unsure about whether our relationship was the best thing for us. Two months ago, a month before our 1 year anniversary, I checked his phone bill online because he is graciously paying for my cell phone right now. I saw three phone numbers, called the third, and heard her voice on the voicemail. My heart beas rapidly, I felt betrayed, etc. I confronted him and he tried to break up with me, saying stuff like he isn't a good person, he lied to me, etc. I convinced him to tell me what he was lying about, so he told me that after he and his ex separated supposedly in 2005, they didn't get divorced for financial convenience and he's just paying for some stuff because she doesn't have a lot of money. I convinced him that we could work on things and I could learn to trust him again and that he made a mistake by lying, but it wasn't a big deal -- he would get the divorce, etc.

Well, a few weeks later, my nosy stepdad did a background check on him (unofficial, since he didn't have my boyfriend's permission). The check came back to show no criminal record, but that his house (which he bought late 2007) had her name on the deed and both she and my boyfriend were listed as unmarried. I didn't tell him this right away as I planned to do some "detective" work first. I tried texting his ex (bad idea; I was a bit in shock), which led him to ask me about that. I told him what came back on the background check and he was mad that my stepdad did that, but merely said that he didn't know why it said they were unmarried, just that her name would be on the deed because they never divorced.

Well, I tried working on the trust thing, and it was getting better. Every weekend day I didn't see him, suspicions would crawl in my mind and I would strategize ways to find out the truth, but then talking myself out saying I should just believe him, etc. Well.. yesterday, I borrowed his laptop for a bit, and I couldn't take it anymore, so I opened his MS outlook and did a search for her name on all emails.

-- She had been living in his house from 2007 to whenever
-- They married August 2008
-- They were together at least until September 2009, 1 month before I met him
-- She attended a family gathering of his, with her arm around him in 1 photo, just a week after he and I first kissed

While I read these emails, I "knew" we had to break up, because he lied so many times, and how could I ever trust him after this? In this period of time, I began to become very sad but at the same time, think of all the things I could do with my life not being with him, and the things I had wanted prior to him. This made me sure of breaking up with him, until..

I confronted him and he admitted to all of it, explaining these things by saying that most of what I knew was true, except for the timeline. He said that things just weren't working out. He explained the lack of connection years after she cheated on him, that he married her mostly because she and his parents and her parents wanted them to, that he was so cold to her and regretted this so much because it hurt her. He said she would stay up crying downstairs on the couch for an hour before she fell asleep, and he would just be in bed listening and not doing anything about it. He said that his girlfriend (who he previously told me was with him for about 7 months in 2007) was actually a 3-4 week rebound in between the time his ex left and he met me, and that it really was his female friend living with him when I first met him; his ex moved out in September, but they kept it a secret for a bit.

He said that sometimes he doesn't know if he's going to make it to the next month. How he doesn't know how to BE, just by himself. That he doesn't know how to live independently from her and he works longer hours because he hates coming home to an empty house. She still has feelings for him, but she's okay with the divorce; they've talked about it. He said he doesn't want to be with her, but sometimes he wonders if they could have made it work, if he could have tried harder, and that that makes him sad. He says he doesn't wish he was back with her, just he had done it differently, and he regrets his mistakes immensely.

He went on to explain that I am not a rebound, because he wasn't looking for anything. He explained how he met me and fell in love with me accidentally in a way, which I already knew. After he told me the real story of how things happened with his, ex, I believed him like I never had before, because I sensed a realness in his story. The timeline I'm still not sure of, because of the photos of the family gathering and the female friend living with him and him lying in the past, but those things don't matter to me. They don't matter because I believe the important stuff.. finally. I can sense that he told me more of the truth than he ever had before. The thing is, he lied repeatedly because he lied in the beginning and he didn't want me to leave him for it. I forgave him yet again, and we are still together, but there are some issues running through my head right now.

Is he really over what happened? He said he still needs to move on from what happened and get over it (but at the same time, he didn't love her at the time they separated. It was more comfortability and he had gotten used to her for 10 years)

Is this what I even want? I think about those thoughts I had about an alternate future, away from him while reading the emails, and I wonder if that's a sign.

Are the lies too much to handle? Is he trustworthy?

These are the main ones. ANY advice is very much appreciated. I am at a crossroads, and I don't know what to do at this point. It's not going back and forth so much as knowing how much I love him and wondering if we can make it work, or if we should try.

[Charisma]

Is there really any question as to what to do?!?!?!

As soon as he says he's not gotten divorced from his ex wife, get out of there! you're technically seeing a married man!

No sane, right in the head, worthy, decent, FAITHFUL, TRUSTWORTHY, whatever else qualities you should be looking for, man would lie so much. If they have split up, why drag it out? Why cover it up? He was assuming you'd be too dumb to find out, that's why!

Run for the hills. He has nothing to offer you except more lies. You'll never trust him, and that's no way to love a man.

[madotnw_nihs]

Split, there is no other sensible way to go about it.

[nietsdoen]

I do love him, but everyone here is making a lot of sense. I think he lied because he's ashamed of what he did, but it may be the best thing for me to break it off. I'll give it about a week to make sure I'm making the right decision with him, though.

[Þēostru]

this poste make me think the world is full from desparation.

[madotnw_nihs]

Being ashamed isn't a good reason to lie. If someone fesses up because they are ashamed, those are the guys to hang on to.

[nietsdoen]

Being ashamed isn't a good reason to lie. If someone fesses up because they are ashamed, those are the guys to hang on to.

Can you elaborate?

[RockNRoll]

Honestly, I couldn't read it porperly, because I felt lost in those lies. You shouldn't be surrounded by lie in your life and work so hard to get some hint of a truth.
Ask yourself, how do you imagine ideal relationships? You might not get the ideal one, but somewhere close would be good.
Don't let your feelings for him stop you.

[nietsdoen]

Honestly, I couldn't read it porperly, because I felt lost in those lies. You shouldn't be surrounded by lie in your life and work so hard to get some hint of a truth.
Ask yourself, how do you imagine ideal relationships? You might not get the ideal one, but somewhere close would be good.
Don't let your feelings for him to stop you.

Thank you for your advice. I will take this into account.

[madotnw_nihs]

Hi,

I meant "A man has to own up to his mistakes and not lie to you" A man who loves you should be able to tell you what he is ashamed of.

[nietsdoen]

Hi,

I meant "A man has to own up to his mistakes and not lie to you" A man who loves you should be able to tell you what he is ashamed of.

Thank you. I will keep this in mind.

[Lovable]

Really??? You want to give him another week to lie to you more??

No, the real reason he felt "ashamed" isn't because of his situation with his WIFE!! It's because he didn't want to tell YOU or for you to find out. Your whole relationship has been a big lie, why would you want to be with a liar & a cheater?

Do you think that he's being faithful to you? If he can cheat on his wife for whatever the reasons, then what makes you THE ONE that he won't cheat on?

[DDD]

I'm going to give you some golden information because before now, I was once him so pay close attention and grab a pen and paper......

I am a male and I did the exact same thing so someone else before because I didn't know how to make decisions for myself. I would always put other people first which included getting married because she wanted to. All that showed me now is that I was a weak person then and I let others make decisions for me. I too had lied to a girlfriend about the divorce thing because I (like him now) do not react good under pressure. The minute we get exposing questions about our past we freeze up and tell ourselves "Oh shit" inside. It's called panic and our initial reaction is to lie because we are in fear of rejection by you. We are ashamed of our past and we feel unworthy to be with you because of our past decisions. We dont think that you will understand us and be open minded so we take the path of least resistance which is to lie about it. Why you ask?...... Because we dont want to lose you especially if we think at the moment you are the right girl for us. Does this make it right?..... No! It's wrong for what he did and I'm not condoning his behavior (or mine in the past) I'm just simply explaining why it happens. I have learned the hard way and had to face the consequences of my actions with people that I truly love and even to this day I am facing consequences and will still face more consequences in the future. The best thing would have been to be completely honest and not just give 1/2 the truth. I had a hard time making decisions in the past because I do not like to see people upset or disappointed especially when it came to relationships. Being passive and not executing a decision is weakness that he will have to over come. He will also need to learn that honesty is the only way to live. It took me too long to realize this and like I said...... I'm still paying for it with people I love.

Good Luck to you.

[RdHrshyKss]

your relationship is based on lies...there is no reason to pursue it further. you will always be wondering if he's telling you the truth or not, it's not worth the stress or anxiety. end it and find someone else who is decent enough to be honest with you from the very beginning.

[nietsdoen]

I'm going to give you some golden information because before now, I was once him so pay close attention and grab a pen and paper......

I am a male and I did the exact same thing so someone else before because I didn't know how to make decisions for myself. I would always put other people first which included getting married because she wanted to. All that showed me now is that I was a weak person then and I let others make decisions for me. I too had lied to a girlfriend about the divorce thing because I (like him now) do not react good under pressure. The minute we get exposing questions about our past we freeze up and tell ourselves "Oh shit" inside. It's called panic and our initial reaction is to lie because we are in fear of rejection by you. We are ashamed of our past and we feel unworthy to be with you because of our past decisions. We dont think that you will understand us and be open minded so we take the path of least resistance which is to lie about it. Why you ask?...... Because we dont want to lose you especially if we think at the moment you are the right girl for us. Does this make it right?..... No! It's wrong for what he did and I'm not condoning his behavior (or mine in the past) I'm just simply explaining why it happens. I have learned the hard way and had to face the consequences of my actions with people that I truly love and even to this day I am facing consequences and will still face more consequences in the future. The best thing would have been to be completely honest and not just give 1/2 the truth. I had a hard time making decisions in the past because I do not like to see people upset or disappointed especially when it came to relationships. Being passive and not executing a decision is weakness that he will have to over come. He will also need to learn that honesty is the only way to live. It took me too long to realize this and like I said...... I'm still paying for it with people I love.

Good Luck to you.

Thank you for this reply. Everyone has been saying that he is a pathological liar and such, and I don't know if that's true. I love him so much. The way you describe your past self sounds EXACTLY like him. Do you think I need to leave him in order for him to learn, or do you think we have a chance?