Why can't the goal of sex to just have fun?

[Bonovox40]

Ok. Here's the "issue" here. My gf loves sex. (I know, terrible isn't it? Makes you just want to run away screaming...jk ) The issue is when it comes down to it, she doesn't want to do anything besides the textbook definition of intercourse, AND...if she doesn't achieve orgasm..then she has a "it was a waste of time and what was the point in doing it?"

The good thing is, i'm the first guy she's had to give her an orgasm. (yes, thank you..thank you everyone. jk, I don't get an ego about it but it's a good feeling. I know it's not just entirely me. She feels stronger about me emotionally than anyone else so that plays a part with womens sexual feelings)

The bad thing is that before that happened, she would enjoy what we did and hoped that I could give her the big O. She'd have fun anyway.
Now because it's "happened" for her, she doesn't just expect it she basically DEMANDS that she has one EVERY TIME! Now, that doesn't mean i'm up for the challenge mind you, but the simple truth is she has quite a few issues when it comes to physicallness and being having the "mindset" to orgasm. (women back me up on this please!) She's burn hurt in the past by someone sexually and her mind ALWAYS wanders when we do it. Most of the time she'll get close and then goes 100% numb. Like you went from the fires of pre-orgasmic bliss to right into the Alaskan tundra. It just doesn't make sense. No going back and forth to the edge, it's just all or back to nothing with no chance of further arousal.

And the worst part is in her eyes, it's all business. Before it was "I hope I orgasm." now it's "I have to orgasm because I know I can." She has to get off now or else it's not really fun. There's no "Let's enjoy the journey as much as the destination." Me personally, I love everything about it. Kissing touching, foreplay, teasing. The whole shebang. She only wants sex. (some guys would kill for a girl like this) She doesn't really like foreplay or anything else. Some oral is ok (I never had a girl EVER not ask for oral after I give it to them. Actually turned my ex around from the idea that it was a BAD thing. hehe)

It kinda sucks actually. I can do what I did that got her to orgasm but I know it's UP TO HER. The times she has have been when her mind has been set on what we were doing and having FUN. When her mind wanders, orgasms go bye bye. It's that simple but she doesn't get it. She ALWAYS ALWAYS, goes in with the mentaility that "I gotta have one again this time." and.....it doesn't happen. We've been together 4 months and she's had about 4 of them. Not a very good record but considering it's the first time in her life she's EVER had them, it's not so bad.

Anyone have any advice or suggestions on what to do to help her out? (and maybe me because i'm getting frustrated at her lack of never wanting to just have fun when having sex. Isn't that what sex is about? (besides babies)
There is 7 years difference in our age (and maturity) I don't know if I can expect her to change or grow sexually with me. She seems to be stuck in this mindset and is resistant to change. I almost feel like chastizing her some for thinking that it's all business and just freakin enjoy it for once. :-P

What's a wore out guy to do? lol

[KaWaiiSkYe]

This sounds well bad... Damn..

[squirrley]

how old is she? this could make a big dif...

[KaWaiiSkYe]

You really just got to talk to her..
Havin' sex as a business really isn't any fun like you said..
I wouldn't do that.. Mahh..
Seriously.. Have you tried talkin' to her yet..?

[Bonovox40]

She's 18, i'm 26.

No, I wasn't out hunting young girls or anything and I don't specifically go after them. It just sorta happened and we clicked and just enjoyed being together and things grew from there. We both have similar interests besides me working on my career and done with school life and her just starting college. (but living at home still. It's ok, her parents like me and are decent people)

I just told myself that "I'm not going to get into anything i'm not prepared to handle or walk away from if things go bad." And that's why i'm asking for people's perspective on this. I don't want to just walk away from things. I'm willing to work on the problem we're having because I have feeling for her. Yes, I do love her but it's not an overpowering "cannot live without" love. I know she has hinted that "she can see me in her future and has plans for me." (a la marriage) I cannot see that just yet, but who knows where time will take us?

I'm hoping that sexual maturity doesn't cause a rift that is enough to push us apart, but it's not like that's unheard of. I'd rather have it be that then being cheated on. (which happend last two times to me) Although breaking up over "sexual incompatiblility" isn't very ego boosting either.
I'm not ashamed though with how i've been to her, i've always made a valiant effort to do the deed with vim and vigor. (whatever that means lol) I just think that her depression, somewhat clingy behavior towards wanting people to like her, and being raped in the past make for an unfortunate combination in what we're dealing with. If I didn't care and love her though, i'd already be looking for someone else i'd have a better time in bed with, but there's more to life than sex. (Did I really just say that? heh) Seriously though, I just wish she could see that about life too.

[squirrley]

Sky no offense youre 15 and this is exactly why I am asking.

Youre emotions and they you view sex is different at different ages. At 15 its all about fun. You dont think about anything else-I know. As you mature and have experiences sex becomes other things other than JUST fun. As a woman youre emotions are more involved. A man MIGHT tend to keep the "fun" mode as they mature and others might have the emotional level as a woman. Its not just about sticking the wee wee in gettn off and see ya in school tomorrow.

If shes older and has bad experiences she might have problems and sounds like she does...I would suggest trying to get her to relax MORE...make more of the moment for yourself. Let her know youre not just about THAT. You want more. Turn the situation around so it doesnt come off like its HER fault things are kindy on the less romantic side. And then ask her what ccan you do to help. Its not her fault shes at where she is-you need to work with her not against her.

I do feel bad for her-my goodness to turn from hot to cold-I actually feel sorry for the both of you-but it sounds like you really want to make things work and help her out. I dont know how you can do that other than talking to her and letting her know your concerns. Sex is great and sex should be fun and intimate, youre not doing either. I wouldnt want to feel its like a part time job. How is your relationship suppose to grow here in this department? And its a big part of a relationship. NOT all, but a big part.

I dont know what bad experiences shes had-but obviously bad enough shes not there with you anymore...and you NEED to find out what you can do. I do agree that because of her depth of emotion she has for you has allowed her to orgasm. For women(not girls) its a very large part of how they get there!!! So take pride in that for sure-but dont look down on yourself IF she doesnt...sometimes women are just as tensed up as a man(like men wont have the desire to have sex because theyre burnt out or stressed out) and she might be going through that right now herself. And might be having sex just to please you for the moment.

I cant say I dont know her...bottom line-talk to her.

[BillyGalbreath]

...Its not just about sticking the wee wee in gettn off and see ya in school tomorrow...

LMFAO!!!!

I so heard you say that in my head. The sentence you would image you rmother to say to you. LMAO too funny. I'm gonna die laughing

[Bonovox40]

Yes, we have talked about it. Her response is. "I don't know why I don't like anything else. (regarding sexual activities/feelings) That's just me. And I even said the lame metaphor "It's not the destination, it's the journey that make it worth the trip." and she was just like "If I don't get off, then what's the point of doing it?"

Heck, there have been times, I knew I wasn't going to orgasm but I sure as heck enjoyed trying and let who I was with know how much fun it was! (almost tantric in a way)

We've talked about our past relationships before and the good and bad times (but not to hurt feelings or brag or nothing) and i've told her recently after all this stuff that "I think in time you'll grow and mature more when it comes to sex. Your body will adjust to having more orgasms with me and i'm sure you could even have multiples when you're ready for it. I know it's possible, I gave them to someone else before. And she was like "maybe she was faking it."

Wtf? I'm trying to reassure her here that it's ok and that we're still going to have good times like the times we did and she goes on the defensive over something that is an unknown to her. I don't know why that's the attitude she wants to take. I'm patient and all but I don't like someone who's with me disavowing my own personal experinces expecially when it comes to something good that i'm TRYING to help you partake in. (not including that I already have given you good times)

[squirrley]

Billy-was trying to be polite-you know how I can get in class-

Bono sorry was replying to your thread and just saw your 2nd response. Age and the bad experience...more thoughts

Ok 18 shes not in touch with herself yet...and I dont mean masterbating and knowing her parts here-I mean shes JUST finding herself. She does have a lot of maturing to go in the sex department. At 18 you might still be trying to find yourself-thinking of your future bla bla bla...shes not settled.

2nd-being raped WILL have an effect on her-for how long is up to her. I was raped at 13. But at the age of 21 I remembered-I had blocked it out. When I realized and remembered it like it was yesterday-I knew I could either hold on to it or let it go-I let go. Some people cant and need counseling. Several people I know are still in it due to the rape. It does have a profound effect on your life and even bigger one in your sexuality. Its your own mentality and how you deal with it.

This is probably going to be with her for sometime and all you can do is just be there for her and help her. But you dont have to sacrifice yourself and your desires-there is a way-communication and growing together...learning what each of you can do to get past this-if you cant-then you need to decide what you really want for yourself. There should be compatibilty in the bedroom...really enjoying one another for just wanting to be so close and give to the other person. If you dont feel you'll be EVER to get past that then you might consider some other options for yourself. Its not a bad decision if you left because things werent working for you in the bedroom-its your future as well...you need to look at it for yourself as well.

Personally-I wouldnt give up on her yet-take some time

[BillyGalbreath]

..Billy-was trying to be polite-you know how I can get in class-

I know... but it was still f***ing hilarious to me - LMAO it still is HA! sry if I am interupting here - I wont post anymore here.

ROTF!! *walks away snickering*

[squirrley]

WOAH!!!! So youve had the talk and got no where!!! Shes belittled you to some degree too. OUCH.

Shes immature for her age in the mentality AND sexual departments...shes got a lot of growing up to do. Its up to you if you want to see this through or find someone whose more on your level.

Goodluck

[Bonovox40]

Squirrley, thanks for your thoughts. Let me reply to some comments so you have a better outlook on the picture.

"As you mature and have experiences sex becomes other things other than JUST fun."

Correct. I know I said that in my post, but that's not how I truly feel. I WANT sex to be fun but I also WANT it to be emotionally stimulating as well. I don't do flings/booty calls/whatever. I really only get pleased when I feel both the physical and emotional simluation. I'm not doing it just to get my rocks off. I want her to feel as fulfilled as I do on multiple levels. You know, being with someone you love, sharing this act of passion and love, pleasing one another.

"I would suggest trying to get her to relax MORE...make more of the moment for yourself. Let her know youre not just about THAT. You want more. "

We have done that. The RELAX game is difficult if not impossible at times for her. The first time she had an orgasm was waking up with me from a nap, we just rolled over and went at it. No time for talk, no time for thinking and BANG! Other times weren't as "unconscious" as that but she was relaxed and didn't have stuff to worry about. Thing is she's ALWAYS worried about stuff in everyday life. Little things i've learned to not make a big deal of with my experience is in her eyes, a big deal. (but that changes with age/maturity) Even little things drive her nuts like temperature, pillow position, light/darkness, an itch. It doesn't matter. One tiny mote of dust and she's down from whatever flame she had to ice. Even a little too much lubricant and she's having bad times.

"Turn the situation around so it doesnt come off like its HER fault things are kindy on the less romantic side. And then ask her what ccan you do to help. Its not her fault shes at where she is-you need to work with her not against her."

I have done this. I've even blamed myself out loud to her (even if I don't really feel that way) to help her feel better. I have been sensitive like one time I held her wrists (not mean-like) and she freaked. She just started crying. I found out that when she was raped, that's what he did and we talked about it and I gave her my support and understanding and she felt better. She knows i'm OK with her. Heck, I didn't give her crap EVER about when she couldn't come before. I just said with a smile "I guess we'll have to keep practicing." ;-) and she was glad I understood.

"Sex is great and sex should be fun and intimate, youre not doing either. "

It used to be this way though. In the beginning she told me that "you're the first guy i've been with that I feel that i'm making love too. Not just having sex with because we have feelings for each other and you're not using me."
I haven't "changed" my behavior since then. I'm a "nice guy" but sometimes I push her buttons but she always comes back wanting more and I never insult her views or self. (I do give her a hard time for being lazy but she ALWAYS gives me the "I'm too lazy to go get ___" ) lol. There is feelings and emotion in the relationship OUTSIDE of sex but not really within. I don't feel like someone else is involved or anything. (I've been burned twice and looking back there are some OBVIOUS signs I ignored that I can see better now. Hindsight is 20/20 ya know.) I just get the impression it's her frustrations limiting the rest of her enjoyment. I really can't get over the idea that as a woman, she feels that her goal in sex is to orgasm and nothing more.
What happened to women wanting compassion, emotion, and some kind of attachement and fullfillment of what they're doing and who with? (And yes, there's times when they just want some good ol banging without any thoughts and that's great too!)
So as a woman, why is she doing the "guy" thing and just wanting to get her rocks off considering she's still loving me and always acting like this is the best relationship she's been in? (although 4 months with me IS the longest she's been in a relationship. :-P I've done the 3 year stretch)

"(like men wont have the desire to have sex because theyre burnt out or stressed out) and she might be going through that right now herself. And might be having sex just to please you for the moment. "

She has been out of it last 2 weeks from some oral surgery, and then followed by a cold but she feels better. When she doesn't want sex, I don't push. She said this week that "i've been doing pretty good. I haven't really felt like doing it and I haven't really even been masturbating too much." (she may do that more than having sex actually but that's cool)
I know women's emotions are always in flux so I didn't push it or tell her that we should have sex soon or anything. I told her that "i'm fine too. When you feel like it again, then you'll feel like it again." she said that "i'm not trying to keep it away from you for any reason, I just haven't felt like it."

I made some comment about "If we took a nap together, I think you'd have other thoughts on your mind." she thought about it for a second and was like "You know, I think I would. I know i'd be reaching for it as soon as I wake up." (for some reason she LOVES wake up sex...even AFTER a nap right after sex! *I'm so sore sometimes!* (but it a good way!)

I'm just not sure how else to approach this. More talking usually gets her feeling down and the defense shield goes up. Not a winning combination. She usually blames herself and in the past has said "guess i'll have to keep on practicing with you." in jest but now there's no humor in her eyes. Just sadness and frustration. Whatever happens, I hope for the best in that she'll have a chance to enjoy what her body can offer her and i'm glad in a way that i'm not like one of those guys who hurt her and is patient with her. Sometimes I feel like she'd rather have the easy way out and just be hurt instead of trying to be mature and work through things. (even with this, I try not to bring it up because I KNOW she'll have it become a big thing and she can't handle it.)

[squirrley]

I dont know what else to say-Obviously I was on the right track if youve already done everything I suggested.

Wish you the best in it though and hope youre able to work things through...

[Bonovox40]

"WOAH!!!! So youve had the talk and got no where!!! Shes belittled you to some degree too. OUCH. "

Yes, but I know that was her being "It's not all my fault...is it?" She doesn't want to think there's something wrong with her because there HAS been things wrong with her.

"Shes immature for her age in the mentality AND sexual departments...shes got a lot of growing up to do. Its up to you if you want to see this through or find someone whose more on your level."

Yes. I knew that getting in and had flak from friends. I knew it was most likely somehing that would come up but I wanted to give it a chance. (hey, my parents are the same age apart her and I are and they love each other)
But I know it's just how two people mesh that makes things work. I'm not afraid of what might happen if I decide to go or she throws some "You can't do it for me anymore, there's somthing wrong with you! I'm leaving" junk at me. I know i'm better than that and if she wants to chance her "sexual development" to someone who doesn't give a rat's patootie about her, then so be it.

I sometimes feel I made the mistake of ignoring red flags that she showed me before we got to be bf/gf. Like that she was institutionalized for suicide attempt/depression. But I know what HS was like too and maybe it's not so far fetched to feel like existing on a monday just isn't worth it. You live and learn and I think she did too. Besides. What if I was the one who made a mistake in my past? Wouldn't I hope that someone gives me a chance for being honest? But squirrley, you're right in that i'm giving her a chance. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I'm willing to put in some time. Hell, it's only been 3 1/2 months.

But I know I can't "save" her. Only she can let that happen. Same thing with the rape. Someday she'll have to let it go or hold it with her and suffer the rest of her life with that pain. I don't expect her to forget, but I hope someday she'll want to move on. She has gotten better. At the beginning, when we had sex, she couldn't look into my eyes for more than a turn of the head because "I have the same color eyes as him". But now that's not an issue. After feeling something for me deeper than just sex, she knows i'd never hurt her like that and likes looking at me. Sometimes it's the little things that can add up in time. The question is, how much time am I going to put aside for letting them reach a bigger and better thing between us? (If I think it even IS reachable)

And yes Billy, that comment was kinda funny looking at it that way. No offense taken for posting and laughing in the middle of posts.

[KaWaiiSkYe]

Squirrley.. I don't always have sex just for 'fun' y'know..