Confusing confusing, lawd, this is confusing.

[warriormaiden]

I hate it that I only come here when I'm having man issues. Like only going to your mom's house for her famous hazlenut waffles, and a chance to do your laundry for free.

I'm not trying to use you LF, but the advice here is SO good. (And so was those hazlenut waffles!)
I really can't get it from anywhere else.

I think I've ranted about this guy before. A couple years ago, I was going through a rough break. I had a close friend that I had known for years, suddenly coming around. Being supportive and showing a new side, his romantic side. I was slowly beginning to forget asshole #1 and was just about to take the leap with my friend, when he suddenly disappeared for 3 months.
When he reappeared, he gave me a super lame excuse about being afraid, and then a couple sentences later, "Oh, I lost my virginity!"
From what I gathered, he met a girl, and he being the way that he is, asked for a relationship, got shot down and now there he was, looking for meaningless sex.
Feeling hurt, and betrayed, I cut him off from my life.

Fast forward 4 years later.


I had just gotten out of this weird thing with this guy, and I was feeling lonely. I saw that he was still on my FB. So I messaged him, did some catching up, and he expressed that he couldn't understand why we stopped talking. I tried to refresh his memory, but he said he remembered none of that, and gave me a half-ass apology.
It made me mad that he wouldn't even acknowledge the pain he had given me, but whatever. I was lonely and horny, and I knew all I had to do was say the word and he would be at my place within the hour.


The next day, I told him I wasn't looking for anything, he agreed that he wasn't either. So we kinda came up with this ......arrangement.
We would continue to have strings free sex.
We would reinstate our dorky friendship.
But this would not be a FwB thing. It would be deeper, because of the connection he wants to establish with me. In other words, he wants to bring in the romance and not just smoosh around.

So I said okay. Its strings free, tax free, no hands involved, just easy. I really don't need a relationship right now, but some warmth and doting is nice for right now.

But now he's asking me all the time if I'm sleeping with so and so, and if I found someone to also satisfy me, he'll be fine with it. Infact, he won't even sleep with anyone else while we're in this arrangement, which sounds totally NOT strings free. I asked him about this, and he said he just doesn't want me to feel boxed in to anything. Which still doesn't sound right.

Then yesterday he, asked me a question that kinda sounded like it was leading to the relationship word, and when I said "what, a relationship?" He got REALLY defensive.

Then today, we were talking about this thing we have going and he said: "I will stick with you for however long you wish to have me. I rather share you with another man than to miss your beauty and spirit. " when I started asking him about having a girlfriend, which, knowing him and his need for romance, he said: "why jump into something so restraining? I can just do all those things with you. And who knows, maybe somewhere down the line we'll find out we suit each others tastes. "
He even mentioned the possibility of us falling in love. And how he would be ready for that if and when I ever am.

I'm so confused.
He talks in such a Romeo type way (he did this the time before, which is why I kinda fell for him so quickly, being freshly out of a bad relationship and everything) and I just can't trust anything he says. I'm afraid to, I won't let myself do it.

But I'm feeling those feelings beginning to stir, and I'm just stomping it out. I catch myself being overly sexual sometimes, just so I won't have to hear him say sweet things.

I am SO confused.
Should I even take him seriously, after what happened 4 years ago? I seem to go from bad relationship to relationship and I just want it to STOP.

Help.

[HeartIsAching]

Tell him it's time to shit or get off the pot.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Don't take him seriously. The guy is a pussy. If the sex is worth putting up with him then do it until you're bored. You should see other guys, and you should be open with him about it. Or just tell him that you want a relationship. It sounds like that's what he wants but he thinks you don't want that with him.

[michelle23]

I think hes playing u telling u what u want to hear. If u tell him you have feelings for him hell prob disappear again. Its the trill of the chase.

Why are u wasting ur time on this loser especially after he hurt u 4years ago? I have a rule:never go backwards-EVER!

Feeling lonely? Buy a puppy. Horny? Get a vibrator. It doesnt sound like ur having much fun with this "arrangement" so whats the point? If u were happy u wouldnt be writing here asking for advice.

Set ur standards higher babe-find a real man.

[VincenzoG91]

You both sound messed up. Why is he trying so hard to turn this into a serious relationship? Why are you trying so hard to avoid being in a relationship with him?

And let's face it, there is a relationship. Not a healthy one, since you both have different expectations, but you are interacting together, physically and emotionally. Since the two of you can't agree on the nature of that relationship, it's probably best to end it. That way, both of you will be free to have (or not have) the kind of relationship that you seek.

[amy37]

Sounds a lot like a strings free cell phone plan....because they call them string free, but they totally have strings attached.

"But this would not be a FwB thing. It would be deeper, because of the connection he wants to establish with me. In other words, he wants to bring in the romance and not just smoosh around."

That really sounds like a relationship, only your calling it a FwB relationship.

People can't sleep around and not fall in love. It gets messy.

End it.

[bearz]

Seems like he's your rebound right now and that's all it is. If you can't trust him and are so confused, then that's your gut telling you to stop it.

[warriormaiden]

You both sound messed up. Why is he trying so hard to turn this into a serious relationship? Why are you trying so hard to avoid being in a relationship with him?

And let's face it, there is a relationship. Not a healthy one, since you both have different expectations, but you are interacting together, physically and emotionally. Since the two of you can't agree on the nature of that relationship, it's probably best to end it. That way, both of you will be free to have (or not have) the kind of relationship that you seek.

I would be the first one to stand up and say, I am fcked up. Lol. I've been through so much negativity with past relationships, that it has changed my view about it. I have come to the conclusion that relationships are just not for me. And that I'm better off unattached and just focusing on myself.

He also had been through a really emotionally exhausting relationship, and feel that this is also the best for him. But he's not the type to JUST have sex, he needs more. And for me its like, you said its okay for me to show feelings like if we were dating, but we're not. He wants me to date and do anything I want with other guys, but keep the emotional intimacy with him. Its confusing, I almost don't know what to feel.

[bearz]

You both want completely different things, this is never going to work in the long run. You might be able to make it work temporarily but as soon as you find yourself attracted to someone else and he finds out he'll be upset. And I have feeling if he'd find someone else it wouldn't be any different. He's just your ****buddy right now and because he has feelings for you it's not really fair to him to put him through this.

You seem really unsure of what you really want so should take some time to analyze all of this. I mean do you really want to be alone forever and just have sex with guys you have no feelings for? I highly doubt it.

[michelle23]

I donr believe hes not sleeping around. If he wasnt-he wouldnt be okay with you sleeping around. If hes having regular sex with you-he should be emotionally attached to you and possesive when it comes to other men. Its not normal that hes willing to share u.

That means he really doesnt care about u-the fact hes okay with u sleeping with others. I know some people believe in open relationships-everyone to their own i suppose but i dont believe that is real love. I dont think u can have the deep meaningful love, bond, attachment-whatever u wana call it if ur messing around with others.


The reason i have come to that conclusion is due to lots of scientific/biological research i have done in my own time as well as psychology. Im not just pulling it out of thin air before someone accuses me of blanket statements.

But i believe real love and everything that comes with it is monogamy

[dem862]

Google cuckold. It's a fetish.

[bearz]

Google cuckold. It's a fetish.

Screw Google...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cuckold

[Wakeup]

I'm still trying to figure out why you even trust a no strings conversation with someone like him (never mind trusting him with something so important as your own emotional health)Someone that disappeared and did the dirty on you like that. Surely you have more respect for yourself then to recylce a douche who was indifferent to you as a person but would take what you're offering? Work on your self-worth. You have to believe you deserve and will get better then someone who treated you poorly. You don't associate with people like that anymore.

He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear so he gets you emotionally involved more which in turn means a better sex experience for him. JUST LIKE HE DID THE FIRST TIME. (Helllooooo)

Seriously think about why you're to lazy to start fresh and partake of the banquet of respectful men that are available to you. Instead you settle for scraps. You can meet new men and keep it casual (with or without sex)... no need to recycle a garbage-man who treated you like garbage.

I've been through so much negativity with past relationships, that it has changed my view about it. I have come to the conclusion that relationships are just not for me. And that I'm better off unattached and just focusing on myself.

No wonder you're jaded. You don't have the common sense to stay away from assholes... in fact, you seek them out. STOP doing that.

[warriormaiden]

He is possessive of me Michelle, but he tries to hide it. Which is also confusing.


I thought I could handle the no strings thing, I definitely thought I was mature enough for it. But when you start throwing in feelings, and cuddling, and fantasizing, the whole thing gets muddled. My problem is, is that I expect too much from people. I thought I could change those men with my love. How stupid of me, I now know this.
And I thought this guy had changed. When we were just friends, he was a very sweet, almost shy guy. Then all of a sudden he started to change.
I feel like he's back to being that sweet guy, but I don't know.


And I AM seeing other guys! I'm going on dates, I'm not just sitting at home drinking mountain dew and playing video games with this guy all the time. Lol. And he knows about them. But everytime I go out with a guy, even if he's just a friend, he's asking me if I'm sleeping with him. And when I ask why is he asking he says, EVERY time: "I just can't believe they're missing out on such an amaaazingly beautiful oppertunity. "
I'm not that amazing.



I'm actually seeing a guy whose pretty awesome, and WANTS to go in to a relationship. But he eventually wants to get married, and have kids, and the white picket fence, and I just can't come aboard for all that.


I'm a mess. I'm insecure and leery of men, I don't know what I want and where I would like to go. But at least I know that I am completely screwed, and I'm attempting to fix it.

[Wakeup]

I'm actually seeing a guy whose pretty awesome, and WANTS to go in to a relationship. But he eventually wants to get married, and have kids, and the white picket fence, and I just can't come aboard for all that.

How could you possibly come aboard for "all that" when you don't even know what you want? Does this guy know you've got an NSA sexual relationship on the go?

You need to give up men for awhile. Work on your own self-respect and self-esteem until you love you (even if that means therapy to help you achieve a good healthy love of yourself) before any man will make you happy or you make any man happy for any length of time. Not too many people can tolerate NSA for any length of time with the same person without losing their personal joy one uncommitted bop at a time. Look where this "lifestyle" you've been partaking in has you emotionally!

Sorry, but you sold yourself short when you returned to a guy that "disappeared on you." Once he did that, you should have left him disappeared. Telling YOURself the excuse that you knew he'd come on your beck and call so why not, is your low regard for yourself and your way of (sadly) getting your own ego stroked and your worth validated. "he disappeared on me but I could have him like that (snaps fingers). Newsflash: Most men will come for NSA sex... it's not something speacial to be considered an accomplishment.

Its better to be alone and working on your own best you that you can be then to settle for a human dildo that tells you what you want to hear but his actions don't even come close.

I definitely thought I was mature enough for it. But when you start throwing in feelings, and cuddling, and fantasizing, the whole thing gets muddled.

Why do you continue to think that a man that has done nothing outside of the sexual actually has feelings for you? Sex is not love, it's lust and any guy that would tell you that basically you should be doing other guys and allowing them to sample your goods, does not have mongamy as an important boundary in his life. He may care for you, be fond of you even but he's not going to give up variety or his options when they present themselves. He's not giving up variety, not for you anyway. In fact, he's telling you not to expect it from him.

*Break it off altogether and get your shit together... you need a break from your own head.