Current GFs past affair affecting trust in relationship

[flynnjo]

Hi,

I am currently in a nine month relationship with an amazing woman. Everything in the relationship is great. I am having issues dealing with items in her past, including a multi-year affair with a married man and swinging. When I found out about the affair, I asked if she was in contact with any past boyfriends and she said there were 2 people ( I was also aware of them). I recently found out that the former affair partner has also been in contact with her on a regular basis via Instant Messenger. And although the communications were "hi how are you" types of messages, the fact that she lied to me about them has really caused me to stop and think about the relationship. We discussed this and she thought nothing of the emails that they were completely innocent and the reason she did not tell me was to not hurt my feelings. The day after this conversation, she emailed him and told him to stop all contact becuase of my uncomfortableness. He responded that he understood and wished her well (she showed me the emails). The result of this is not only am I extremely hurt by this but also seriously doubting whether I can trust her about fidelity and honesty in our relationship. I am really at wits end on this and am spiraling a bit.

I know I need to have another conversation with her about how I feel and discuss the trust issue with her. The question though is should I be feeling this way about her past and it's impact on me? After all the past is the past, right? But how can you do that and trust someone that chose that path knowing the impact to all involved and then stay in contact with them for several years after the affair including through the first nine months of our relationship?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

J

[bluesummer]

I think a conversation is definitely in order.

I'm assuming she hasn't cheated on her past partners, just carried on a relationship with a married man? I mean, that still reeks of some serious moral depravation, but I don't really know the circumstances. Maybe she regrets it.

Part of a good relationship is honesty and communication. Try not to judge her on her past actions, but don't be naive. It sounds to me like she's trying to do the right thing and is being more open now that you've asked her to be. Some people don't 'get' the fact that talking to a former flame can make the other person uncomfortable. I don't know that she was trying to sneak behind your back on this, maybe she just figured as long as she was merely keeping it friendly there should be no issue.

[Perryville]

That she communicates with past lovers isn't a deal-breaker, unless you told her not to. The HUGE red-flag is that she communicated with one of them, behind your back. You are right to be suspicious, and need to lay the ground-rules out for her. NO CONTACT with past BF's or out the door.

[bluesummer]

That's a little harsh Perryville. I still count one or two exes among my friends, as does my fiance. We've discussed it and because we've been honest, there's no issue.

If he has insecurities over this, that's his issue to deal with, not hers. Maybe she just assumed it was a non-issue (which she shouldn't have), but now that he's said his piece I don't see why she can't say 'hi' to people.

[starbuck]

I wouldn't blame you at all for having trust issues at this point. I think it's normal for some people to keep in contact with exes, but the married guy she had an affair with? I mean, come on, how can she not think that this is not crossing a line at all?

Entering into a new relationship means cutting certain ties, especially ones that would make a new partner uncomfortable. The fact that she lied about it is a sign that she knew it would be a problem for you in some way, but chose to do nothing about it. Unless she was withholding it out of mere cluenessness, in which case she has a shaky grasp of human nature. She has now come clean about it and showed you the emails, so that's a very good sign, but it could be too little too late for you because part of earning trust is coming clean about things in the first place.

Whether to continue to trust her or not, is completely up to you. Her dealings with him could be completely innocent, but if it bothers you, this is your comfort level we are talking about, not anyone else's. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but I do want to mention that I do not think the problem is your insecurities.

[flynnjo]

Thanks for the insightful input. I acknowledge that she has been very open and conciliatory about this. And I am ok with her talking with 2 other exs. The difference as Starbuck points out is that they were not married. She did not purposely hide those communications.

I have had issues with past girlfriends going back to exs after our relationship moved to a more committed phase. But I question the behavior of having the affair for not one or two times but two years AND the lying about it. I have to wonder if she had the capacity to do that to a family, what is to say that she may not do that with me. Again as starbuck points out, if the communication ended early in the relationship that it would be different. But I agree that nine months is way over the line.

[Paul Cho]

I have never had a girlfriend cheat on me ever.


Now, while I would like to say, and maybe it is due to my incredible sexual prowess, I feel as long as your in charge of the relationship and wear the pants, any woman, or man I suppose, will do as you say and need.


Paul Cho

[Gigabitch]

Red flags, for sure. I have a real issue with lying. It destroys the foundation of trust that your relationship is built on.