my mother and my boyfriend

[rareporkchop]

[FONT="Verdana"]Sorry, English is not my native language.. here it goes..

I'm 24 and he's 28..and we've been together for about two years, we're planning to get married somewhere next year.

the issue here is, my mother. okay umm.. to make it short, this man had hurt me before..we got into a fight and he actually gave me a hard slap on the cheek. he did apologize as he felt really bad for what he had done. basically we have gone through a lot of obstacles, we fought a lot and there were so much tears involved..and I'm so glad that everything is okay now. we're so much stronger than before, we know what not to do, what not to say, what to expect and stuff.

that's where my mom comes in. I understand the fact that she hates him to the core, and she literally called my friends about it.. and the worse part is.. she told EVERYTHING about his personal life (and his family matters) to them.

I can't communicate with her, I just can't. we always end up arguing, throwing things around, etc. she has high blood pressure and other illnesses, I really try to be nice like, bring her to great places, take her to spa and any nice restaurants.. I love her so much but that's how we show our love in this way. I don't dare to heat things up again by..talking to her.

then..today, she called my boyfriend's company partner. she got his phone number because this particular partner was her client (she's a lawyer by the way) and she calls him from time to time. as usual, she will say mean and nasty stuff about my boyfriend to him and of course, his family matters. she has this perception where.. a broken family will always affect the children. my boyfriend has an abusive dad, the dad used to beat up his mom and..there was once, he actually NAILED his mom's palm onto the floor so she couldn't escape from the house. and my boyfriend's sister is a divorcee.

at this stage, my boyfriend can't stand it anymore..the pressures, the constant calls, and he's really frustrated to NOT be part of my family. he wouldn't want to call my mom either, afraid that they would get into more fights.. (they both have bad temper). now..at this point, he told me he wants to give up. he told me that, even if he's going to be rich and successful in the future and be able to provide me the love, my mom will always look down on him. maybe he chicken out? I don't know.

I know I sound like a high school girl here, venting about my mother calling my boyfriend and all that..but you know, it's really hard to be in this position where your parents are over protective that they would always intrude your re/ships and you can't seem to talk your mom out. should I just let go of him? what if my mom makes the wrong decision? but what if she's right?

Even if I do let go, I'm afraid that my hatred in me will grow towards my mother. wish I could scream at her now. but she's my mother, and mothers are always right. hate the fact.

[HeartIsAching]

[FONT="Verdana"]Sorry, English is not my native language.. here it goes..

I'm 24 and he's 28..and we've been together for about two years, we're planning to get married somewhere next year.

the issue here is, my mother. okay umm.. to make it short, this man had hurt me before..we got into a fight and he actually gave me a hard slap on the cheek. he did apologize as he felt really bad for what he had done. basically we have gone through a lot of obstacles, we fought a lot and there were so much tears involved..and I'm so glad that everything is okay now. we're so much stronger than before, we know what not to do, what not to say, what to expect and stuff.

that's where my mom comes in. I understand the fact that she hates him to the core, and she literally called my friends about it.. and the worse part is.. she told EVERYTHING about his personal life (and his family matters) to them.

I can't communicate with her, I just can't. we always end up arguing, throwing things around, etc. she has high blood pressure and other illnesses, I really try to be nice like, bring her to great places, take her to spa and any nice restaurants.. I love her so much but that's how we show our love in this way. I don't dare to heat things up again by..talking to her.

then..today, she called my boyfriend's company partner. she got his phone number because this particular partner was her client (she's a lawyer by the way) and she calls him from time to time. as usual, she will say mean and nasty stuff about my boyfriend to him and of course, his family matters. she has this perception where.. a broken family will always affect the children. my boyfriend has an abusive dad, the dad used to beat up his mom and..there was once, he actually NAILED his mom's palm onto the floor so she couldn't escape from the house. and my boyfriend's sister is a divorcee.

at this stage, my boyfriend can't stand it anymore..the pressures, the constant calls, and he's really frustrated to NOT be part of my family. he wouldn't want to call my mom either, afraid that they would get into more fights.. (they both have bad temper). now..at this point, he told me he wants to give up. he told me that, even if he's going to be rich and successful in the future and be able to provide me the love, my mom will always look down on him. maybe he chicken out? I don't know.

I know I sound like a high school girl here, venting about my mother calling my boyfriend and all that..but you know, it's really hard to be in this position where your parents are over protective that they would always intrude your re/ships and you can't seem to talk your mom out. should I just let go of him? what if my mom makes the wrong decision? but what if she's right?

Even if I do let go, I'm afraid that my hatred in me will grow towards my mother. wish I could scream at her now. but she's my mother, and mothers are always right. hate the fact.

Guess what? You grew up in an abusive home too. Arguing instead of discussing, throwing things and the silent treatment are all forms of abuse.

All of you should be getting some counseling. Him for physical (and probably other kinds of abuse) and your mother for emotional and mental abuse, and you too, because you DO learn those behaviors from your parents.

If you can't convince your mother, you can't... but you're not going to let your mother dictate your personal life, are you?

[girl68]

So he grew up seeing abuse and one day smacked you around. So are you seriously thinking this guy doesn't need some therapy? Yeah, he does! He needs to show your mother that he's done something about his anger issues, you too in fact. You're all so angry, don't know how and when to stop and all of you have sucessfully crossed the line. All of you need to go to anger managemant weather or not you think of yourself as an "angry" person.

You mother has legitimate concerns ESPECIALLY since he has already hit you. I'll bet if you told your mother that your bf is attending classes and working with a therapist she would eventually come to respect him as a man who is taking some accountability.

[rareporkchop]

hey, really appreciate the advices you all have given me. unfortunately, my area here.. is pretty limited. there isn't any helpful facilities or centers here..even if there is, seeing a psychiatrist is a bit too expensive for me.

i did researches on how to have a better communication and how to solve conflicts with my parent but sadly I always end up abusing myself and my mother. she herself also not helping about it. I'm still a student, apparently staying under the same roof with her so I pretty much have to FACE her everyday and to accept the fact I need her to survive at the moment hence can't really dictate my life, let alone marrying this man.

about my boyfriend, I wish he could go extra miles for me. I wish he could call my mom and to apologize for what he had done to me in the past, but now it seems like he had push me to the edge so I could do something, that is..to hurt my mother. is it worth it? I know the answer. you see, love blindly leads us in doing irrational stuff for the ones we truly care about. there isn't any logical sense in it, well..it's because you're in love. I am delusional sometimes, thinking that there will always be a rainbow despite the storm. but when will this stop?

everyone makes mistakes and we both learn them very well. the great part is, we automatically know what to expect after every argument, no resentment, no unresolved feelings and whatnot. having to grow through all these conflicts/mess/troubles together make us inseparable.. I am a changed person because of him. I love my mother dearly too, but the same time.. if she were not my mother, I would have ruined this woman's life.

but anyway, thanks for reading. I guess I have to deal on so many issues right now.. just need to vent.