jealousy, other guys and bikes

[mrpixelator]

Sorry if this is spamming, but I thought this also applies to the general forum... Although I did want to solicit female points of view on the topic. Anyway, my epic length rant/whine follows:

I've been dating the same person since last July. At first, she seemed unsure of our status and I left that part alone, knowing that sometimes people aren't ready for full commitment or 'labels' such as boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. She said she just 'wanted her dance card filled' meaning activities and fun stuff.

We've had a decent sex life, I suppose. I'm 40 and overweight and am not 20 or thinner as I used to be and could go for long periods. I feel maybe she's a little disappointed in that avenue, although we have experimented with various ideas to keep up both happy in bed. For a while, she felt my lack of 'apparent excitement' in bed was because I didn't find her attractive. But I do, and I think I (and we) have improved in this regard. In fact, last week she whispered 'I love you' for the first time while we were out at a friend's party.

Anyway, we do stuff together but it's never felt (or should I say she has never seemed) very warm or super affectionate. She has her moments, but mostly I feel like I'm chasing after her attention. She has a few female friends and goes out for drinks and concerts and we often hit local trivia night at pubs and so forth, so the social life is there for her.

Well, a couple of months ago, she started talking about going on bike rides with a coworker (male). I know him somewhat from trivia nights, but I don't really know what his motives might be. He does seem a little bit awkward when I'm around, but it could just be how he is.

Anyway, she started going on trips with this guy on the back of his sportsbike, up into local wine country and hitting wineries, bars, so forth. I got a bit jealous at the idea of my girlfriend (supposedly) on the back of this guy's bike. It's an intimate activity and there's a bit of 'something' implied there, even if it's not overt or manifesting itself in actual sex or romantic activity, at least I think so.

Well, I told her about how I felt and she got very defensive, upset, VERY angry - and ultimately cried, saying she just wanted to have fun in her life, as though that was a very limited window of opportunity for her. She was adamant that they're just friends, that there's no romantic connection or anything going on. I felt like a jerk and backed off, yet still felt uncomfortable about the notion. I asked if she could just maybe not go EVERY weekend or every other weekend... Maybe not as far as she had been (all day trips spanning over a hundred miles, easily).

This weekend, she not only went on a really long trip with him but hit bars, wineries, went to the town she and I went to on Valentine's Day and then went all the way back (1.5 hours) to the city for dinner at a fairly touristy, somewhat pricey restaurant. I was hurt and upset. The phone chat we had resulted in the same tearful, defensive and angry reaction from her. She insists nothing is happening and that while she can understand why I might feel strange about them spending so much time together (they get lunch and dinner during and after work, too, plus trivia nights)... But that I was 'not justified' because 'nothing is happening'.

At this point, I don't think I can continue the relationship if she continues to see this guy in the same way she has been. I don't mind an occasional bike ride DAY trip, but these big 10am-9pm excursions with drinks and dinner (they went to a movie once, as well) and all kinds of sightseeing and other activities is too much for me. It drives me up the wall, especially since she and I don't usually do stuff that's as exciting or 'romantic' together, usually just dinner and sometimes a drink or movie. This last time, they went into the city for dinner in a car after parking the bike, but she didn't ask me... Yet she usually gets invited to my outings with other friends and she usually wants to come along. She said 'he has a two seater' and 'I wasn't sure you could afford it' in response to that.

I don't want to upset her or make her feel bad, but I feel I've been incredibly patient and understanding over this... Or have I? Is it OK for a 34 year old woman who has a boyfriend to hop on her coworker's motorcycle and go on 12-hour day trips capped with dinner, drinks, movies? This isn't some BFF type guy, she has one of those back where she moved from a couple of years ago and I'd be more understanding of that (and their interaction 'feels' like BFF to me). But this relationship doesn't seem like that and she has told me she's dated guys from work, before (recently). In fact, one of her exes hooked up with one of HIS coworkers, too, and left her - then came back to her and left again. I think she's been treated abominably by the guys she's dated, honestly.

What should I do? I feel so badly about the whole thing and I wonder if I haven't behaved in abominable fashion. She says her friend says I have no business telling her where she can go or what she can or can't do. I tried not to do that very thing, but I guess in a way I am saying she can't spend so much time with him... Argh - I even feel foolish and ridiculous posting this to some forum on the internet!.....Conflicted and confused!

[bluesummer]

It seems almost like she's dating him more than you.

I think you need to clarify with her what your relationship is....I mean, you've been dating since July. If she wants to be your 'girlfriend' then she needs to cut out this behaviour with the other guy, but it doesn't sound like she's ready to do that. It sounds like she is conveniently avoiding having the title of 'girlfriend' so she can keep her options open. If you don't feel like having your heart trampled on, I think you need to have a real heart to heart and tell her what it is YOU want from the relationship. If she wants to be with YOU, she needs to understand this behaviour with the other guy is inappropriate to your relationship and needs to be cut back a LOT. If she's still hedging, I would cut your losses and move on.

[carl1222]

It isn't spamming, but it does tend to fragment the responses. The main responses are in the Ask A Female topic.