Relationship Fundamentals

[unMorph]

Please reply with opinions.

I've been trying to identify the things that are integral to a safe, stable and mutually satisfying relationship for the purpose of creating a systematic process to consistently develope such a relationship despite differences in the personalities of the participants. Sounds incredibly romantic, doesn't it? >_>
Anyway, what things do people need from a relationship to become happy?
What do they expect from their partner?
What should people be getting that most aren't?
Why is it that many of the couples out there have what SHOULD be a great relationship, yet they still feel unfulfilled?
Why does it seem that you can have a fantastic friendship or a mind-blowing sexual relationship, but when you try to mix the two, they cancel each other out?
Should people keep their emotional satisfaction separate from their sexual satisfaction? If so, wouldn't it make more sense to make your emotional relationship (friendship) the primary relationship as people tend to need a more constant stream of emotional support?
Am I asking too many freakin questions? Yes, I am. Ok, I'm done for now. Thanks, minna-san.

[luvtif]

these are my responses in the order that the questions were asked. hope this helps-just my opinion!!
trustworthiness
honesty
romance
there is not enough love and understanding there
they don't in my case-thats how i know this is forever!!
no

[misombra]

Please reply with opinions.

I've been trying to identify the things that are integral to a safe, stable and mutually satisfying relationship for the purpose of creating a systematic process to consistently develope such a relationship despite differences in the personalities of the participants. Sounds incredibly romantic, doesn't it?

no.
>_>
Anyway, what things do people need from a relationship to become happy?

it depends. some people need money, some people need sex three times a day, some people need to beat somebody, you catch my drift...
What do they expect from their partner?

to love them whether they're right or wrong.

What should people be getting that most aren't?

friendship, companionship.

Why is it that many of the couples out there have what SHOULD be a great relationship, yet they still feel unfulfilled?

they've been together so long that they take it for granted. people are selfish.

Why does it seem that you can have a fantastic friendship or a mind-blowing sexual relationship, but when you try to mix the two, they cancel each other out?

you haven't found the right person.

Should people keep their emotional satisfaction separate from their sexual satisfaction?

only if they're prostitutes or cads.

If so, wouldn't it make more sense to make your emotional relationship (friendship) the primary relationship as people tend to need a more constant stream of emotional support?

not unless you want to be celibate (sp) for the rest of your life.

Am I asking too many freakin questions? Yes, I am. Ok, I'm done for now. Thanks, minna-san.

no prob

[unMorph]

these are my responses in the order that the questions were asked. hope this helps-just my opinion!!
trustworthiness
honesty
romance
there is not enough love and understanding there
they don't in my case-thats how i know this is forever!!
no

These are the answers I expected to get. I do, however, have one question regarding honesty. I have noticed that people tend to react adversely when you are immediately honest with them. Its almost as if when you first meet someone, its taboo to tell the truth. Is there a waiting period for honesty where you tell the usual lies and fibs that make people more comfortable around you? (ie: no, the bright, blood red streaks in your hair doesn't make you look doesn't make you look demonic at all, seriously!)

[HastaSiempre]

I think it all depends on the person. Some want the courteous fibbing while some want honesty. I've been with both.

[misombra]

what do you mean by honesty? you mean like telling somebody what you expect from the relationship or telling them that you drool when you sleep.

[unMorph]

"""Sounds incredibly romantic, doesn't it?

no.
>_> """

Thats ok, because I don't think romance works as intended.

"""Anyway, what things do people need from a relationship to become happy?

it depends. some people need money, some people need sex three times a day, some people need to beat somebody, you catch my drift...""

I don't think any of those things brings happiness to anyone. Thats what people THINK will make them happy, but when they have it, they still feel a gnawing emptiness where happiness should be. Its deeper than that. So deep that none of us are actually aware of what it is we're craving.

"""What should people be getting that most aren't?

friendship, companionship."""

This is an interesting answer. It seems to suggest that friendship and companionship are more rare than sexual companionship. Wouldn't that make it more valuable to people then? Why is sex the pivot point of a relationship then? (The difference between two close friends and a couple is usually whether they are having sex or not. Usually, not always.)

"""Why is it that many of the couples out there have what SHOULD be a great relationship, yet they still feel unfulfilled?

they've been together so long that they take it for granted. people are selfish. """

How do people take it for granted? How can this be avoided?

"""Why does it seem that you can have a fantastic friendship or a mind-blowing sexual relationship, but when you try to mix the two, they cancel each other out?

you haven't found the right person. """

Is there a 'right' person? Have you had a relationship that had both elements in 'sync' with each other? (or known anyone who has) If so, how was this achieved? What was it about the relationship that made it possible?

"""...wouldn't it make more sense to make your emotional relationship (friendship) the primary relationship as people tend to need a more constant stream of emotional support?

not unless you want to be celibate (sp) for the rest of your life."""

Why would you need to remain celebate? Even though your primary relationship is based upon friendship and your mutual emotional satisfaction, you can still have sex. Just like a couple in a sexual relationship can talk and support each other. You CAN, but you don't have to. Its not a requirement of the relationship. Besides, if things were reversed from the way they are now (You have one sexual relationship and are allowed many friendships, provided they don't get too intimate) you would have one very close friendship that is focused completely on the emotional element and could have several sexual relationships outside of that to take care of the sexual needs. Setting aside the issues of morality and sexual safety, would this system not seem better suited to a healthy emotional relationship? (working under my previous assumption that people can only satisfy either the emotional side or the sexual side, but not both...which could be flawed.)


This is good stuff, btw. Thanks for the reply. ^_^

[unMorph]

what do you mean by honesty? you mean like telling somebody what you expect from the relationship or telling them that you drool when you sleep.

Kind of both. I mean...being able to say anything, provided that it is 'true', without fear of judgement or offense.

[luvtif]

all i know is, after 6 years with my bf, I like honesty from him...

[KirstyM]

These are the answers I expected to get. I do, however, have one question regarding honesty. I have noticed that people tend to react adversely when you are immediately honest with them. Its almost as if when you first meet someone, its taboo to tell the truth. Is there a waiting period for honesty where you tell the usual lies and fibs that make people more comfortable around you? (ie: no, the bright, blood red streaks in your hair doesn't make you look doesn't make you look demonic at all, seriously!)

I think when you start off it's ok to bluff a little about non serious things, maybe then later you can laugh about, ie. oh yeah remember when we met and you had those scary red streaks....etc etc.

But generally you should be honest. That doesnt mean you have to tell each other every little detail of your lives - it just means you tell them enough, you tell them the bits they would want to know or that you want them to know, and if they ask anything then you answer honestly. There's no point lying or keeping things hidden. I expect total honesty from my partners (of course if you expect total honesty then you have to be prepared to take it).

[unMorph]

...you tell them enough, you tell them the bits they would want to know or that you want them to know, and if they ask anything then you answer honestly. There's no point lying or keeping things hidden. I expect total honesty from my partners (of course if you expect total honesty then you have to be prepared to take it).

Hmm, yes, this is what I mean. So, what you do is, limit your communication to less personal things at first. Makes sense, ne? I think that the 'honesty' issue has become somewhat of a tag line. Girls hear it on TV shows and movies, but don't really understand the responsibility involved for them. For someone to be completely honest with you, they must trust you...they must know that what they say will not blow up in their face. Everyones known someone who was so super sensitive that you literally couldn't say two words without them getting upset. It is the responsibility of the listener to stay calm, think about what's said, understand the feelings of the speaker, and react appropriately.

'Sailor Morph says, TeeHee!' (err...sorry, that just happens sometimes... >_>)
Thoughts? Corrections?


Thanks for posting, everyone, this is giving me many useful ideas. ^_^

[misombra]

"""Sounds incredibly romantic, doesn't it?

no.
>_> """

Thats ok, because I don't think romance works as intended.

i feel like i'm taking an exam.

"""Anyway, what things do people need from a relationship to become happy?

it depends. some people need money, some people need sex three times a day, some people need to beat somebody, you catch my drift...""

I don't think any of those things brings happiness to anyone. Thats what people THINK will make them happy, but when they have it, they still feel a gnawing emptiness where happiness should be. Its deeper than that. So deep that none of us are actually aware of what it is we're craving.

no but my point is that it does depend on the person, it is deeper.

"""What should people be getting that most aren't?

friendship, companionship."""

This is an interesting answer. It seems to suggest that friendship and companionship are more rare than sexual companionship. Wouldn't that make it more valuable to people then? Why is sex the pivot point of a relationship then? (The difference between two close friends and a couple is usually whether they are having sex or not. Usually, not always.)

sex comes along with that strong sense of together that people feel for each other. it's pivotal because that's how people know they can truly trust someone and be completely themselves in the raw.

"""Why is it that many of the couples out there have what SHOULD be a great relationship, yet they still feel unfulfilled?

they've been together so long that they take it for granted. people are selfish. """

How do people take it for granted? How can this be avoided?

people who have been together for a long time forget how lonely it is to not have anybody, they see their single friends having a bunch of fun and they feel like they want that freedom too. it's usually avoided by something happening. two people break up and find out it's not so great out there and they're a lot better with their other half. or in some instances someone cheats and realizes the grass ain't always greener...

"""Why does it seem that you can have a fantastic friendship or a mind-blowing sexual relationship, but when you try to mix the two, they cancel each other out?

you haven't found the right person. """

Is there a 'right' person? Have you had a relationship that had both elements in 'sync' with each other? (or known anyone who has) If so, how was this achieved? What was it about the relationship that made it possible?

i believe there are several "right" people for you. i have a relationship where the two are in sync. we work at it. relationships are hard and they take work.

"""...wouldn't it make more sense to make your emotional relationship (friendship) the primary relationship as people tend to need a more constant stream of emotional support?

not unless you want to be celibate (sp) for the rest of your life."""

Why would you need to remain celebate? Even though your primary relationship is based upon friendship and your mutual emotional satisfaction, you can still have sex. Just like a couple in a sexual relationship can talk and support each other. You CAN, but you don't have to. Its not a requirement of the relationship. Besides, if things were reversed from the way they are now (You have one sexual relationship and are allowed many friendships, provided they don't get too intimate) you would have one very close friendship that is focused completely on the emotional element and could have several sexual relationships outside of that to take care of the sexual needs. Setting aside the issues of morality and sexual safety, would this system not seem better suited to a healthy emotional relationship? (working under my previous assumption that people can only satisfy either the emotional side or the sexual side, but not both...which could be flawed.)

that is flawed. usually those who can't satisfy their emotional side but can always satisfy their sexual side aren't willing to give themselves to someone. they're not willing to let other people see their emotional side.


This is good stuff, btw. Thanks for the reply. ^_^

you're welcome

[unMorph]

Excellent reply again.
If this was an exam, then you would be giving it...not taking it, because I'm the one trying to learn something. ^_^

"""sex comes along with that strong sense of together that people feel for each other. it's pivotal because that's how people know they can truly trust someone and be completely themselves in the raw."""

If complete trust can only be gained from sex, then I understand why trust is so rare. Hmm. I can understand how that could be, however. People feel most vulnerable when they're naked...its like people can see all your secrets right through your skin. A cat will never let someone it doesn't trust touch its tummy. Too dangerous, too vital. Hmm hmm.

"""people who have been together for a long time forget how lonely it is to not have anybody, they see their single friends having a bunch of fun and they feel like they want that freedom too. it's usually avoided by something happening. two people break up and find out it's not so great out there and they're a lot better with their other half. or in some instances someone cheats and realizes the grass ain't always greener..."""

This is true. This makes me think, though...isn't there a way that you could be reminded without the cataclysm of an affair or breakup? Those are both very stressful things for everyone involved.

"""i believe there are several "right" people for you. i have a relationship where the two are in sync. we work at it. relationships are hard and they take work."""

Ah! I was hoping SO much that this would be your answer. It gives me hope.
So, what do you work at? What sorts of things threaten to knock the relationship out of sync, and how do you correct them?

"""usually those who can't satisfy their emotional side but can always satisfy their sexual side aren't willing to give themselves to someone. they're not willing to let other people see their emotional side."""

I see! The problem is not with the relationship, but the people. (I feel that a relationship becomes its own entity. Like a child that the partners are nurturing and guiding.)
Still, this realization does not provide a solution. "You can not expect a person to change, and definately not in the ways that you might wish." I forget who that quote is from.


Something is clicking in my mind. I just hope its not the aliens speaking to me again. >_>

[misombra]

Excellent reply again.
If this was an exam, then you would be giving it...not taking it, because I'm the one trying to learn something. ^_^

okay

"""sex comes along with that strong sense of together that people feel for each other. it's pivotal because that's how people know they can truly trust someone and be completely themselves in the raw."""

If complete trust can only be gained from sex, then I understand why trust is so rare. Hmm. I can understand how that could be, however. People feel most vulnerable when they're naked...its like people can see all your secrets right through your skin. A cat will never let someone it doesn't trust touch its tummy. Too dangerous, too vital. Hmm hmm.

trust isn't necessarily gained from sex. trust is manifested in sexual satisfaction, and vice versa. i've had one night stands or sex friends and i was always holding back, because i didn't completely trust that they wouldn't toss me to the side and have sex with another person the next day. i trust my boyfriend now and i feel safe with him, so i am more free to be the dirty girl i am


"""people who have been together for a long time forget how lonely it is to not have anybody, they see their single friends having a bunch of fun and they feel like they want that freedom too. it's usually avoided by something happening. two people break up and find out it's not so great out there and they're a lot better with their other half. or in some instances someone cheats and realizes the grass ain't always greener..."""

This is true. This makes me think, though...isn't there a way that you could be reminded without the cataclysm of an affair or breakup? Those are both very stressful things for everyone involved.

there are many ways to be reminded. that's where the little tokens of affection come in. buy a girl some flowers, guy a guy tickets to a game, make a girl some dinner...

"""i believe there are several "right" people for you. i have a relationship where the two are in sync. we work at it. relationships are hard and they take work."""

Ah! I was hoping SO much that this would be your answer. It gives me hope.
So, what do you work at? What sorts of things threaten to knock the relationship out of sync, and how do you correct them?

compromise compromise compromise

"""usually those who can't satisfy their emotional side but can always satisfy their sexual side aren't willing to give themselves to someone. they're not willing to let other people see their emotional side."""

I see! The problem is not with the relationship, but the people. (I feel that a relationship becomes its own entity. Like a child that the partners are nurturing and guiding.)
Still, this realization does not provide a solution. "You can not expect a person to change, and definately not in the ways that you might wish." I forget who that quote is from.

yes that quote is right on. that's what the work is all about. people are always changing and adjusting. the most awesome part of a relationship is watching that other person grow and change and helping them along or saying something when they're messing up, and loving them no matter what.

Something is clicking in my mind. I just hope its not the aliens speaking to me again. >_>

just take your medication and i think everything should be okay

[KirstyM]

Hmm, yes, this is what I mean. So, what you do is, limit your communication to less personal things at first. Makes sense, ne? I think that the 'honesty' issue has become somewhat of a tag line. Girls hear it on TV shows and movies, but don't really understand the responsibility involved for them. For someone to be completely honest with you, they must trust you...they must know that what they say will not blow up in their face. Everyones known someone who was so super sensitive that you literally couldn't say two words without them getting upset. It is the responsibility of the listener to stay calm, think about what's said, understand the feelings of the speaker, and react appropriately.

Yeah...well personally I couldnt go out with somebody who was as sensitive as that, it would drive me crazy. My best friend is super sensitive and I'm quite a sarcastic person so we are really not a good combination, always falling out over silly things. I find, for me, honesty works best but as I said...you have to be able to take that honesty from your partner and vice versa.