Torn between money and love...

[Babeejulss]

I am 25 and have been with my husband (27) for a total of 8 years. We have been married for 3 years and we don't have any kids. I would like to leave my husband for many reasons. But I am torn between doing whats right in my heart and doing whats right financially.

I have never cheated nor has he (that I know of). The first 5-6 years of our relationship was great... We were always together, had fun, and enjoyed each others company. All of our friends were jealous of our relationship. He is a great guy.. Hard worker, responsible, reliable and very affectionate. But, we are no longer on the same path in life.

I graduated in 2005 w/ a Graduate Degree in Accounting and am currently working for a company as a Cost of Sales Analyst. He on the other hand never graduated High School (promised to get GED). As you can see education is very important to me. He always promised me he would get his GED, and never did. I bought the study course and told him I would help him study. Recently, I told him I found a class that he could go to for his GED. It was twice a week for 2 hours (18 weeks). He flat out told me - You married a highschool drop out. Stop trying to change me. IM NOT GETTING MY F*ING GED.

This hurt me. What is so wrong with bettering yourself?

He runs his own constuction company and makes about what I make. But, if anything were to happen such as loss of work, hand, finger, bad economy... Where would he work? Mc Donalds? Whenever work was low and he wasn't bringing much $$ in I told him to go get a regular job... His response: I look like a peice of shit on paper. No one is going to hire a Highschool drop out. So, i always said... Do something about it.

Now, I am just fed up. Everything he does annoys the crap out of me. EVERYTHING... He bites his nails (I say stop, he's says stop nagging me). Anyways I am sick of it.

My issue:
I don't really want to let my parents and family down. They all love him and his family. So it is going to be hard for me when I actually do it.

Also, All the debt we have is in MY NAME! He will walk away with 10k and I will walk away with 350k in debt. My student loans, mortgage on our house (that we can't sell), my car and all the CC. So, what I have done in the last year is send as much $$ to the CC and the Student loans as I could. knowing that these will become my debts and i'd have to be able to make payments solely on my income. Our house is actually rented out - so all I have to pay is the Home Owners ins. and the Taxes on the property (will try to get him to help). I have also added him to one of my credit cards as a joint owner. Once he is joint owner of the card I am going to remove my name completely... Making him responsible for this debt.

I feel bad for wanting to leave my husband. Do I have a valid excuse/reason for this? I am leaving him because I am not sure he can support us or a family in the future. Because he doesn't look at money the same way I do. I am a saver and he is a spender. I want to save for our future and he can't stop thinking about buying a boat... He says why even work if you can't have any toys... I am content with what we have (our life) and he always wants more FREAKIN TOYS! I would really like to find someone who enjoys the same things in life as i do, who is educated, who has a good and promising career...

Is this wrong? If not... Then why do I feel so bad.

-Julie

[Indignant]

this is a great example for Gribble.

Jules, as far as i know your debt would be divided 50-50, get a divorce lawyer and get his advice on numbers. Dump this loser if he's not willing to change.

[Gribble]

this is a great example for Gribble

How so? I've got my degrees, thank you.

[Indignant]

How so? I've got my degrees, thank you.

how priorities change as you mature.

[Gribble]

Some priorities change, but not all of them. I'm fairly confident I shall remain a bachelor and a hedonist throughout my life.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Personally, I hate when people tell me to stop biting my nails. I've been biting them all my life, I've tried stopping, but it's really hard. Even with acrylic on, I bite the acrylic off my nails. But hopefully, that is not that big a deal here.

He is using his lack of a high school diploma as an excuse. He also does not want to pursue the GED, so there's pretty much nothing you can do about his education. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink it.

If his education level is such a problem for you then why is it only now bothering you after at least 9-10 years?

[Indignant]

Some priorities change, but not all of them. I'm fairly confident I shall remain a bachelor and a hedonist throughout my life.

i am willing to bet $100 and see how you feel at the age of 40.

[Babeejulss]

I believe this is what happened to me. I matured.. Realized what I really wanted out of life and in a partner and I feel as though my highschool sweetheart is just not cutting it... Don't get me wrong, he is in know way a loser. He just doesn't meet my qualifications any longer (if that makes any sense). We both want nice lives, it's just a nice life to me is having a nice home... Taking vacations... and also having money put away for retirement. A nice life to him is spending every dime he makes now so that he can never say he regreted anything (he said it himself). My parents have enough money to retire now (@ 50) and his parents (@55) HAVE to work until they are atleast 70. This scares me. I want to end up like my parents and not his.... I want to leave him so bad but am scared to do it.

I am actually getting myself ready to do it in two weeks.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Have you had the break up talk with him? Isnt it better to try and talk about it before just call it quits? Cuz if you didnt tell him you were looking to break up with him then maybe he just isnt taking it seriously cuz you're still sticking around without taking action.

[misombra]

it sounds like it's more than just the money issues. it sounds like you don't love him anymore. it's rare that people remain with the person they were with when they were teenagers regardless of financial situation.

i believe if you truly loved him, his income wouldn't matter. your debt is larger than his so that would put him in a better financial situation than you anyway.

i think it'd be easier for you if you were to just admit that, more than money, you've simply outgrown each other and want to move on.

you can't force him to get his ged or go for more education. some people don't mind living that way and live very well without a higher education.

[Gigabitch]

The title says "Torn between money and love", but all I'm hearing about is the money. Is there a second part coming?

[misombra]

that's what i was wondering. where's the love?

[Babeejulss]

@GIGA: I love him as a person... But I am no longer in love with him. I think he feels the same way. I want to LOVE someone again. I want to FEEL loved again. I want to want someone.. I want to get butterflies in my stomach when I see someone or hear someone's voice.

@LADIE: He makes comments to me like just say the word and im out... We have had the conversation before. Things change for a month and then were back to our normal ways. I even had him write 10 things about me that he loved and i did the same. We shared our thoughts... It was nice.

When I ask him about his GED he'll tell me things like go find yourself a doormat with a degree. Because your not getting it here. I don't hound him about it. I make comments like once a year and suggest things to him. So i don't hurt his feelings. It's not like I want him to get a doctorate degree.

I wanted to be with him... I wanted to help him... Of course this isn't the only issue. There are others. Like when he expects me to do things because im his wife. Like you should want to iron my clothes.. BEcause your MY WIFE... And his negative outlook on life. It brings me down. Makes me negative. And I just want to be happy.

I am torn because I want to get some more of our debt paid down before I leave him. But, I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I want to find love again. And the longer I wait the more depressed i'll get.

[Gigabitch]

Have you ever heard the old joke:

Why is divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.

Life is too short to be unhappy, and you two sound like a bad match. It's not about the GED. It's not about the money. It's about wanting different things.

I think you should divorce him, since you deserve to be with someone that shares your goals and he deserves to be with someone that wants to iron his shirts.

Do you live in a community property state? If so, the debts that you took on while married belong to both of you, regardless of whose name it's in.

[bluesummer]

Do you live in a community property state? If so, the debts that you took on while married belong to both of you, regardless of whose name it's in.

I was going to say the same thing. Just as assets are joint and equally divisible during divorce, so is debt. I wouldn't worry about that too much.

As for your relationship, it doesn't seem like you are in a very fulfilling or happy one any more, regardless of his education level. I would just leave becaue there's not a lot between you to keep you together in the long run.

As a side note, you shouldn't act superior to him now that you have a degree. You only got yours a few years ago, so keep in mind you were in his shoes at some point (although you DID have your high school diploma). I bet you'd feel awful if he decided to get his degree in engineering or something and then decided he needed to 'trade up' because you were now 'beneath him'. Just thought I'd throw in my two cents on that.