The Story Of My Life, Advice wanted.

[Neo(n)]

Hey, i thought i would post this here as im not sure where else to put it and it does kinda relate...

My whole life i have felt small, worthless, left behind and like a dissapointment to myself and everyone else arround me. the way my dad spoke to me made it seem like i was a dissapointment to me, he would say things like "when are you going to finally toughen up," as well as beating me when i did something 'wrong' which normally was something like expecting me to know when my dinner was ready without me having to ask. This got so bad that i was actually scared of him and tryed to stay away from him and hide in my room as much as possible. after a while my mum and dad split up and my dad moved away which i was very happy about, and that should never be the case.

I never really fit in in school, in primary school (5-12yrs) i was the only guy who wasn't playing football every single break time, i used to enjoy doing other stuff as well, but because of this i didn't really have more than 3 friends at the most and out of them they all had best friends so i was more like the other friend to them.

Things didn't change much at secondry school (12-16yrs), and as an added bonus i had become extremely shy arround girls for obviouse reasons. The best change, however, was that i had a best friend, but when year 8(2nd year of Secondry school) came arround, my best friend had found loads of other friends and i kinda got pushed away, he was still mates with me, but his other friends didn't seem like they wanted to hang arround with me so i was friendless half the time.

As i got older i found groups of friends, but i moved between lots of different cliques as i kept getting either pushed out, or i left because i felt like i wasn't welcome and i knew thats not what friends were supposed to be like.

After countless rejections, i got my first girlfriend when i was 15, we got along pretty well because she was quite shy as well so we felt comfortable together. although i had no knowledge of what a relationship was so we ended up breaking up because we didn't do anything appart from meet up, make out, go home, and text each other.

About 6 months after we'd mutually and calmly broken up we met up again. i was now 16 and a bit more knowledgeable about stuff. after we met up i instantly started to miss her. I told her and she told me that there was no chance we would ever get back together, but i didn't give up. I tryed to get her back and because at the time she was my closest friend, i kept thinking there was a chance, but i was wrong. soon i started to feel really unnatractive as if she didn't want me back because i was a terrible person. for about 1-2 months after this i cried every night over how much of a fail at life i was and how much i missed her. At one stage i felt so worthless that a few times i tried to take my life, thinking that noone would care, but she managed to stop me because she was always there when i needed a shoulder to cry on.

Eventually i told myself the missery wasn't worth it and got over it (although my feeling stayed in the back of my mind). I got my second girlfriend a few months after i had pulled myself together. and around the same time i got in with my first propper friendship group this is when i finally felt like a normal kid. but after i introduced my girlfriend to them, she stole my friends (quite literally) and dumped me.

This didn't help the situation becasue i was now totally alone, and it was all because i was a waste of time to hang arround with becasue i was a completely boring and totally wierd person with no social skills.

Now i'm 18 and in my last year of college. My relationship with my dad is still very broken, and my friends still don't seem to value me no matter how many times they tell me they do whenever i randomly break down. I'm still afailure with girls and have no courage to even talk to or even look at girls i like and don't know.

Recently i have felt like a complete recluse, i feel as if i don't deserve any of the girls i see, i feel like i'm not a good enough friend to have a normal friendship and i hate who i am and wish i could be a completely different person.

I don't know what to do about this, i study psychology so i know this is all just faulty thoughts making me belive im worthless. but no matter how much i convince myself i'm a worthwhile person, something or someone always seems to bring me back down to where i was before.

I really need some help because i can't go to uni like this becasue if this happenes there i wont have a home to go to where i can just escape the world.

Thank you for reading, hope i didn't bore you too much =)

[MDBreye]

I feel for you man. I was like that in my grade school years. Obese, acne-ridden face, unattractive attitude and above all isolating myself to "do a world a favor". I stayed home all day smoking weed on the weekends and cooping myself on weekdays studying.
Nope, absolutely not. This is not the type of attitude you should be living with. I know it's easier said than done but spend time OUTSIDE. Not inside with a computer. No, I don't mean opening up a few windows and signing up for multiple dating websites. Get your ass out there and go get grab a coffee. Sit and read the newspaper. Just being around others aside from computer buddies and family helps a lot. You'll notice lots of things. Maybe someone will be reading a magazine about something you're into. Or someone ordered the same thing you did and you found it to be funny. Those sort of things are small but they add up. This is what I did. I gave myself a slap in the face one day, and said. I'm not going to like this for the rest of my life. And I was born into poverty. it's not like I was raised upper or middle class. I lived on food stamps and made the most of my elementary days. But that soon changed when I kept moving. It was hard to make friends and this had a snowball effect on my self esteem and confidence. Especially with the ladies.
Also, start working out (I have no idea what kind of shape your body is in) but when people talk about love at first sight, it's always lust.

tl;dr GET OUT THERE. THE WORLD IS WAITING. YOU WERE BORN FOR A REASON.

[Neo(n)]

Sounds good, i guess that now i'm 18 i can go out to clubs and stuff, maybe not to jump in, but just to get comfortable right??

I have to say i do like the outdoors, but i can never really think up a reason to go anywhere, guess i don't really need one. If it's a nice day i might as well go for a walk, or go sit in a park somewhere.

I'm guessing how you did things was to get used to somewhere so you felt comfortable made you feel better about meeting new people and gave you the confidence to do so??

thanx for the reply. when i get a bit of free time i think i might go for a walk somewhere or something =)

[lhn]

Hey Neo...
Yeah man, go out and grab a sandwich or something in a cafe. No one IN THE WORLD cares you are sitting there by yourself eating. Just watch and see how people socialise. Don't feel sorry that they're speaking to friends and you're not. Your learning, your soaking it up.

Also, something which I can completely relate to... don't be afraid to start a random convo with a stranger. I remember being in a HMV store and the bloke in front was buying some trash movie. I just said to him "don't buy that, its awful" or something like that. Anyway, we chatted about stuff for like 15minutes. And he was a stranger!!!!

People aren't all out to be horrible to you, but things don't just come to you. You have to get them.

Regarding your 'friends'... don't worry. You haven't found your group yet, but you will. Uni will be insane. Remember, you will go there and not a single person will know you or what you were like. No one will have a pre-conseption of your character or personality. You can basically create a new 'you' and no one would be any the wiser. Update the wardrobe and hold your head high.
Speak to people and smile. Laugh when someone tells a joke. Be up for going out and trying new things. Suggest some things, be a ringleader at times. People will come to you like a moth to a flame if they know you're game for a good time.

As for girls... chill. you're 18, not 60! You've had some girlfriends... some people don't have them for much longer. So how is that considered failing??

You're now a man, grow some balls and don't be afraid of anything. Its a big world out there, go grab what you can cos nothing is gunna come to you.

[Neo(n)]

i have to say i'm liking the replies, i'm definately gona go out and hang arround town soon, and check out what others are doing qnd the like.

As for the girls thing, i have heard something similar before (though you explain it better may i add) i think i'm gona make it my new years resolution to talk to more people and talk to strangers.

hopefully ill see some results that'll boost my self image soon =)

[Carmen]

You know? I think that even though a lot of people seem to have their s-- together, deep inside all of us feel what you're feeling sometimes. We're all human, we all want to be liked and fit in, we all feel like strangers and get lonely. It's nice to share things with other people but when you don't have close friends or family learn to enjoy things by yourself until you find someone worth sharing your experiences with.

[Lite]

Maybe you should look into therapy. Many colleges (if by college you mean university and not high school...) offer free or reduced therapy services as part of their health and wellness programs.

I'm married to someone who has strained relationships with both of their parents, and it is a stress on her, a stress on me, and a stress on our relationship. Therapy helps her a lot with coming to grips with the fact that she can't force her parents to change or be more close.

[cmacattack1]

As cliche as it sounds, just be yourself. It sounds like you were trying to hard to fit in with other people as you got tossed around from group to group. I'm not saying continue to be an arrogant asshole if that's what people didn't like about you, but you seem like a nice, sensitive and caring human being. Be that, and do not worry what others think about you. You aren't perfect and it's good to keep an open ear to some things about you that you can fix. But who you are at the core should be somebody you are comfortable with and the kind of confidence that comes with that will really get you places.

I wasn't very popular in high school and it had a serious affect on my confidence. I still see people I knew in high school and they still have the same preconcieved notions that I'm that same person. It doesn't matter to me anymore. And yeah, when you hit college, you will have that clean slate and you will feel much better about yourself. Just don't get too crazy like me and end up spending longer than you need to and remember to be kind and be kind and grateful to all friends along the way.