Tired of trying to read this situation

[confused2207]

So heres the deal. I have this 'friend.' She has a bf. Lets get that out of the way right now. Don't judge me for it. She often has problems with her bf. She occasionally tells me about it, to which I used to listen to, but now I really just say something like 'hey sorry, but I'm not really your best friend, discuss it with someone else.' And it goes over pretty well. She understands. I have made it very clear, I'm not interested if you're looking for a best friend.

Well we had at thing when we first met when she and the bf were on a 'break.' Well she eventually got back with him. I moved on with it. Whatever.

She then a few months later comes back and gives me this 'I miss how we used to talk.' Well I don' think much of this, because I didn't like the way things went last time. But then these conversations escalate. Then she moves into an apartment near me (not for the purpose of being near me, it just happened that way). Then I get messages like "well I want to go to dinner but I need someone to eat with... if you don't go with me I'm going to starve!... I don't know where anyplace to eat is around here!' Which is all BS... It said "I want to eat dinner with you" without saying it. I understand. I go. Whatever. It was a good time. I admit it.

And we keep talking this last month or whatever. We meet a few more times. I don't know if her bf knows, I know her parents do and try not to ask questions. This last couple weeks, she is meeting her bf somewhere and ask me to meet her and walk with her to and from this baseball game (what can I say, I was going to the game anyways and it was a bad part of town). The BF actually walks with her to a certain point and she says to him 'I'll just walk with (me) from here.' I don't really understand that. But it happened.

So we talk this whole way, and its good conversation, kinda flirty, just like all of our conversations. And then we get to the cars, and its one of those things where we literally talked for an extra hour and said 'bye' about 5 times before we actually got in the car and left. And even then, it was because it started raining. A lot of the look in the eyes, close, body contact conversation, lots of 'hugs' whatever. She tells me about how she loves me eyes and my smile. But these are cheap comments, I'm still cautious. Because I know how things happened before. But it seems to me we like being around each other. I feel really good when we are and she sure smiles a helluv a lot. Plus I know she's often frustrated with her current situation.

Then I get messages lately like 'are you gonna go to this concert with me?' and 'I would be at your house if you would invite me' and even about how it was my fault nothing more happened when we first started talking because I was hesitant and 'she doesn't know what would have happened' if I had been more up front in pursuing her. We have also made plans to be around each other a lot here in the near future for a lot of random things.

It should also be noted that this whole time I'm playing the arrogant card about how I have other offers, I could be out, and actually haven't stopped going out on weekends to bars/clubs and meeting others. This all isn't untrue, as I do, and I do. I'm just... selective.

So she goes away for vacation this week. And her friend that she's with, to make a long story short, her friend had family problems and it was a rough few daysI couldn't be that arrogant guy at this point because I have a heart and knew she was hurting. So I go into my good guy mode.

Well things ended up working themselves out today. I am honest so I tell her I'm really happy for her and her friend that things worked out. And earlier today she tells me again about how pissed she is at her bf for some kinda BS he pulled. It's really a nice conversation. I think I'm doing well as a guy she's interested in.

And then her last message tonight confuses the hell out of me. "I'm going to bed. But thanks for everything. I wish more guys were like you. Your a great friend."

This is the definition of head games. If I'm a 'friend' she needs to stop playing like were going to meet up and stop being so up front with me and playing like she's interested. If I'm more than a friend then she needs to decide and stop referring to me as things like a 'great friend' even though I guess thats a compliment. Its not what I'm looking for, and I can't be a 'great friend' like this because I'm being what I'm being under the assumption that its going somewhere.

I guess part of this is out of frustration at the situation. But I think I need to be up front. Like,' look, where is this going, because I can't be just a great friend.' And she what she says. I was going to wait until we hung out a few more times. But this is driving me crazy and I'm pretty much at the end of the game. It's time to fish or cut bait. It's going somewhere or its not. At this point, I could deal with either one, but I just want to stop wasting my time. I don't wanna be rude, but I'm not interested in being just her friend. I probably really couldn't right now.

Is it out of frustration or a good idea to be up front and ask if she thinks its going anywhere? I guess I could wait until we meet up, but because she's out of town and so I am, it would take some time.

I'm just looking for opinions. Thanks.

[The Gent]

James Bond - "Don't worry, you're not my type."
Vesper Lynd - "Smart?"
James Bond - "Single."

Listen up, bro. Just like Mr Bond & countless other dudes around planet Earth. You like the girl who's attached, it probably has a lot to with the fact that she IS attached. It's kinda like eating another persons slice of pizza, Oh boyyy it tastes amazing. So you get the same pizza for yourself (no sharing) and it doesn't taste half as good.

As tough as it is, you should probably forget this slice of pizza for now. I've been smitten by girls who have boyfriends & it never works out well. You either get the "just friends" speech, or if they do split up with their boyfriend & start dating you....you kinda lose interest 'cause the chase is over. Or you realise they aren't quite as amazing as you thought.

I suggest trying to discard any romantic feelings you have for her & find yourself a nice single girl, dude. It's much less hassle in the long run.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yeah just cut her off. Next time she says something along the lines of, "I'll starve if you don't eat with me.", tell her "Not for 3 weeks you won't."

That was the first thing that came to mind as I was reading your post. Just start talking shit to her and not hanging out with her, and she'll either leave you alone or she'll **** you. Win-win for you no matter what happens.

[Wakeup]

I was hesitant and 'she doesn't know what would have happened' if I had been more up front in pursuing her.

She got a fking boyfriend. Confused? More like blind... why are YOU being manipulated by a girl that has a boyfriend? She uses you for an emotional tampon, a dinner companion and hints to you that she'd **** you if you tried ... Yet and that's a big yet.. she still has this boyfriend that she bitches about but never seems to want to give up. What is wrong with you that you let her play this game?

This is the definition of head games. If I'm a 'friend' she needs to stop playing like were going to meet up and stop being so up front with me and playing like she's interested.

NO! You need to stop entertaining her and being her emotional tampon and fall back Male Girlfriend who she gets all her emotional needs met that her boyfriend is unable to meet, that she won't leave and gets all the physical needs from. This is on you, not her. You enable her to be the girl that sucks you dry (and not in the good way).

You need to tell her that you're not interested in being her girlfriend with dangly bits any longer. Don't ask her if it's "going anywhere" how the hell can it go anywhere legit as long as she's suppose to be someone elses girlfriend. You'd be better off telling her to call you when she's single and then leave it at that.

I sound angry? likely because I am pissed that you guys let these girls manipulate you so.

[elleda]

tell her you are glad you are able to be her friend even though you aren't attracted to her...lol. what a c***

[confused2207]

tell her you are glad you are able to be her friend even though you aren't attracted to her...lol. what a c***

Um? What? Unsure what the purpose of this would be?

[MaidenMinx]

As long as she has you for emotional support she won't leave her bf because she's getting everything she needs between the 2 of you. If you ask her if you have a chance she'll give you the 'if I didn't have a bf ....' line which will hopefully string you along some more.

[confused2207]

As long as she has you for emotional support she won't leave her bf because she's getting everything she needs between the 2 of you. If you ask her if you have a chance she'll give you the 'if I didn't have a bf ....' line which will hopefully string you along some more.

Well, basically that isn't gonna happen because I'm pretty much at the end of my rope. If I do say anythin it will include a question as to why I'm the one to run to when there is a problem but not when things are good. Or why she doesn't goto the boyfriend when there is a problem that she wants to talk about. If I say somethin I want her to really think about it.

[MaidenMinx]

Good idea. Thought provoking is always good.

[confused2207]

Good idea. Thought provoking is always good.

The way I see it is that at this point even if it isn't me who is the guy it sure as hell isn't the guy she currently has. He obviously can't handle her when she's at her low points so why does he deserve her at her best? I don't hardly even care to bring that up either. If I'm defined as a 'great friend' like she says, then I should be tellin her that anyways.

[MaidenMinx]

Please be aware you are only hearing her side of how things are and her bf probably isn't half as big a twat as she makes him out to be. While I agree that he and her aren't going to last, she is half of the problem and a big part of that problem is she is discussing her and his problems with others. If she was genuinely serious about him or you she wouldn't be doing this. If she was serious about him, she would talk to him about it. If she was serious about you she would break up with her man without discussing it with you, because I'm sure the whining about the bf is unattractive.

[confused2207]

Please be aware you are only hearing her side of how things are and her bf probably isn't half as big a twat as she makes him out to be. While I agree that he and her aren't going to last, she is half of the problem and a big part of that problem is she is discussing her and his problems with others. If she was genuinely serious about him or you she wouldn't be doing this. If she was serious about him, she would talk to him about it. If she was serious about you she would break up with her man without discussing it with you, because I'm sure the whining about the bf is unattractive.

Its not attractive and usually I tell her I'm not trying to hear it, but occasionally I have this hero complex that I let get to me and think I can save the day. I'm workin on that. Sigh....

[MaidenMinx]

Sounds like its time to focus your great friend skills and energy on someone else. You don't even have to tell her that you intend to stop dealing with her. When she suggests dinner or anything else that is one on one tell her you're busy. If she is going somewhere that you are going and you'll be around her, be civil but don't invest any time or energy in her any more.

[Wakeup]

I'd tell her. She needs to know that she can't go through life manipulating men and being a twatty girlfriend.

[The Gent]

Hero complex huh? Sorry to tell you this, bro. But, she's treating you like a zero NOT a hero.
Kick lasagna lips into touch & move on.

Harsh advice, but fair.