Intense Story - Please help

[yardstick423]

Everyone,

I would really appreciate input on my 'story' with my relationship. It's long, but I think you'll think the story's interesting.

Ok so I am 20 year old and dating a 17 year old, senior in high school. She lives about 1.5 hours away.
I began dating this girl, Rachel, in May 2008. In the beginning, I was kind of just looking for any kind of relationship. She had just gotten out of her first relationship (one or two weeks), where her ex kissed another girl and said he didn't want to be with her anymore. Because of the distance and being busy, we hung out about every other weekend. Her parents didn't know about us at first, but do now; but this isn't the point of the story.

I ended up moving up to Chicago for an internship for the summer, and she ended up being about 4 hours away. I wasn't sure if I liked her at first, she didn't seem quite attractive enough for me (as bad as that sounds), but I still kept hanging out with her for some reason, I just wanted to. So I would go visit her once in awhile, and I liked her, but I never felt too much. I would go out to dance clubs and grind on girls, although I would never do anything to 'cheat'. She knew about this, and I found us growing closer and telling eachother everything. I had never been so open with someone before.

As the time grew on, I found that I still kind of wanted to do things physically with other girls, and I wondered how much I really liked Rachel. I had never thought about any other girls in any past relationships, so it just didn't seem right.

I ended up moving back to school in September. I found myself really liking this girl. I wanted a girl I never had to worry about leaving or cheating on me. This girl was so into me and truly loved me. It was amazing. Something about this girl was different than any other girl I've met, I could tell her anything, trust her completley, and knew she would never leave me or wrong me.
Yet, at this point, I still didn't FEEL what I though twas love, I ended up asking for a 'break' to try and get some kind of feeling if I missed her or something. It ended up taking awhile, and I told her not to talk to me so I could try and love her. She seemed extremely upset, she cried every night and she was obviously miserable.

I ended up taking her back about 2 months later.

Anyway, Rachel only seemed to have 3 friends: a girl Tina, her one year younger brother, Tod, and his friend Derek. She would hang out with them on weekends commonly and sleep over, I never thought anything of it. Then, In January, I was in her room and found a couple of notes on the counter from Derek, they had information in it stating, 'I can't wait to sleep next to you next weekend' and other things that hinted at something going on. I freaked out on this, because I wouldn't have ever believed she was doing this, she would say and act in the most loving way possible, and she was hiding this? Anyway we had a huge fight about it and she was upset I snooped on her stuff, but she explained it was a joke and that him and Derek were trying to keep Tod away from her, because he kept trying to get her. It was hard to believe this, but she seemed truthful and the notes also had things explaining, 'its fine we'll hang out just as friends', hinting that she told him there would be no more.
Still, I found myself worried about her hiding things. I would think about her making up these extensive lies to hide things from me. Things went this way for a little but got better, and we got really close with her explaning she wants to marry me so bad and start a family.

A couple of weekends ago, I got to her house while she was still at work. I was watching a game and saw her school bag in the room. I was too tempted and looked through it for any more notes. I found a stash of about 12. They were from Tod, the other 'friend', and the guy she said was so repulsive. All the letters were written from her to him. It had hearts and I love you and all sorts of things on it. It had stories like, 'I loved touching you at lunch','i hope no one saw us holding hands', 'im so confused, i like chris but i want you too' (i'm chris), and went into stories about him fingering her, touching and rubbing eachother, her saying 'i hope i can spend the night 3 nights in a row for homecoming and i wanna sleep in ur bed', and 'i hope tina didn't see us, i think she knew something was up when we were sleeping together last weekend'.
I had never felt so bad in my life. This girl, who was so in love with me, so truthful and honest, so different than any other girl, did this. She came home and I confronted her. She said 'it was all a joke'. Ya rite, how could it be a joke. Plus, she went into SO much detail in the stories. Ya I was touching you but then Mr Wagner walked by and i Had to stop. Sorry I pushed you away when you were touching me down there, I had my period and I didn't know how youd react. Anyways, as the notes pointed to, they all appeared in this time we were on a break. But, she had always said she could never do anything with anyone else and loved me so much during that time. I just could not believe it was a joke. We had a huge fight, nonetheless. I feel like I should have left and ended it, but she seemed so persistant. She said she got really depressed during the break, and he was there for her. She said she he started making up things, like a story. Her, wanting a distraction from everything, started replying and it just grew out of hand. She said she started to feel bad for writing it, so she stopped. I kept persisting the next few days to just tell me she did it, and that it'd be easier to understand. I just couldn't understand that it could be a joke, and I would rather know she did it. She wouldn't say. Anyway, she kept saying she did nothing. But she ended up saying she did hold hands with him, for 10 minutes, the day i asked for a break when he was comforting her. Fine, but I was still upset she didn't bring it up before. Then later, she said, ok he put his hand on her thigh and kissed her on the cheek. Then, she said, she realized he didn't get it was a joke, and she pushed him away, and stopped talking to him as much. I was just upset, that twice she said'theres no more' and then brought up something else, although it wasn't anything really bad. I kept persisting and saying just tell me everything, but she kept saying it was it. I even made games like I want you to tell me or I'm going to leave you. (She can't deal with me leaving, she goes insane). And she still wouldn't do it, I said I'd rather have it be true, so we can move on, and I wont even break up with you, and she wouldn't. I just can't seem to understand and believe that its all a joke. I mean, we were on a break, but the fact that she hid all that while saying she loved me and only me is just scary. And even her just writing those things even if she didn't do it still upset me that she could say things like that.

Anyways, that's not really the point of my story. The point is, I have such a hard time trusting her now. I constantly check her facebook (i have her password) for her doing anything wrong. I want to tear up her room and look for something incriminating. I always try and look at her phone to see things, although I don't get much time when I get the chance. I constantly think that she's lying, saying shes at work, but really hanging out with someone else, or anything. I get really upset when she doens't text back rather quickly. I feel im going INSANE. I feel so embarassed by it. Any other girl, I wouldn't be able to act so controlling or insecure, because they would be gone. But she insists to stay with me and loves me and wants to marry me. I keep feeling I'm going to push her away acting the way I am. But, I just can't stop going crazy. I can never enjoy anything because I'm constantly thinking she might be doing something wrong. I wanna be with her forever but I'm not happy at all right now, I'm miserable. If I can't trust her, I don't think I could trust another girl again, seriously. Its just anything that comes up that could lead to her doing something bad, I instantly think she's doing the bad thing or is lying about it. She seems like such a sweet girl, but I just can't trust her, and I don't feel like that's going to change.

Please offer any thoughts. Sorry for the length.

[Indignant]

it's just an obssession. will go away with age. by the time you are 30 you won't care about that stuff anymore.

[alovehangoverr]

I've got a great question for you-- why are you even in this relationship?

Honestly, it sounds like you weren't too interested in this girl from the start and she just became a great friend to you. You didn't develop feelings past that and it became "well, she likes me so much I wouldn't have to worry about anything," to you-- which was you taking advanatage of your feelings. It took you 2 months to try and "miss her." All bad signs. Add that to the fact that she's talking marriage and family? Bad news. Playing MORE games with her feelings to get her to confess to something? Not good.

Listen, this girl is 17. Do you really think you're going to marry her? Do you really see this lasting? If you don't trust her or anything she says.. why continue the relationship?

It really sounds like you're more interested in her now that you think she did something to hurt you/something wrong. All around an unhealthy situation.

[yardstick423]

thanks guys...anyone else?

[lahnnabell]

Same response here. This is an unhealthy relationship in every way. Both of you have resorted to manipulative tactics because you both refuse to be honest with one another. She's cheating and lying about her relationships with other guys then suckering you back in with talks of marriage and devotion.

You're using mind games and snooping to find out information about her. Checking her facebook. You seem to enjoy trying to figure her out. Before when she wasn't mysterious and secretive you were bored. Now that she's lying and hiding things from you, you've developed an unhealthy obsession with it.

Cut your losses and move on. Nothing more needs to be said really.

[yardstick423]

ok, but if she's cheating, why would she even bother stay? I've already have quizzed her so much on what she's doing and where she is all the time, you think she'd just not deal with it anymore and leave, right?

[alovehangoverr]

ok, but if she's cheating, why would she even bother stay? I've already have quizzed her so much on what she's doing and where she is all the time, you think she'd just not deal with it anymore and leave, right?

But the same thing goes to you-- if you're so suspicious of her cheating, you don't trust her at all, you constantly have to "check up on her" -- why wouldn't you leave?

Listen, there are a number of reasons a person cheating might stay in a relationship.. but then again she may not be cheating at all.

If you want her to leave, then just man up and end the relationship yourself. Waiting around for her to make some mistake so you can justify it is just a waste of your time. Imagine doing this for another six months. How appealing is that? Probably not very.

[yardstick423]

Can anyone offer opinions on whether or not she could have actually been joking about the things she wrote in the notes? I guess I was the one who asked for the break, so if she did anything it's not really out of line. The thing that would get me is if she did do it, she's still lying to me about it today, and a relationship with lies will never work.

[alovehangoverr]

Can anyone offer opinions on whether or not she could have actually been joking about the things she wrote in the notes? I guess I was the one who asked for the break, so if she did anything it's not really out of line. The thing that would get me is if she did do it, she's still lying to me about it today, and a relationship with lies will never work.

She could have been.. I mean, if my boyfriend told me he wanted a break and listed the reason as "So I can try and love you," I'd probably be pretty upset [seriously, that would be a terrible thing to hear] and probably do something weird to make myself feel better. There's a chance she did look to these guys for comfort and it just got out of hand and she honestly did want it to stop. It's not unheard of to have some sort of rebound after a break up, and in my experience it's also not unheard of to end up disgusted with yourself and the rebound person over it.

You can keep on her about it.. but if she's telling you it didn't happen and it's still not happening, then it's reached the point where you need to decide if: 1. you feel you don't believe her and can't trust her and end it or 2. you accept what she's telling you, you stay with her, and you rebuild the trust of your relationship.

As for a relationship not working with lies-- one could argue you lied to her about liking her and sort of led her on for the entire beginning of your relationship. I sincerely hope you've learned not to do that again.