Well another marriage bites the dust.

[Harte]

Think it's kind of wimpy for a man to post here lol. But here it goes.

Our marriage of 10 years, our relations ship of 13 years, and our friendship of 15 years is closing.

Ever since our marriage my wife goes into this silent treatment, it really is punishment, if I do something to her dislike she starts her silent punishment, and I don't respond well to it. She becomes indifferent, cold, sullen. It really is the source of every fight we've ever had. She momentarily gets her feelings hurt and starts punishing me with her could care less about me attitude which escalates into giant fights. Then she never takes responsibility for anything ever, I always end it by going to her. No wonder it continues she see's nothing wrong with it but all kinds of damage results from it.


A little more background: when we met I had sole custody of my then 5 year old son. Today he is 19 he's been in Los Angeles fighting the fires of recent. He has his own place, however for years he did live with us, untill last thanksgiving when we left California and moved to Texas. He's a great kid , clean cut, honest, never really any trouble, polite, good looking, strong. She has always hated him, oh she doesn't admit it but it is obvious, I believe not because of who he is or how he is. More like a resentment because she feels like I love him more then the 3 little one's we now have together. She calls him the Golden boy from the Golden P**** . Couldn't be farther from the truth I love all my children.

What's with that stuff? See it over and over amongst women this giant resentment for a child linked to a previous. I don't understand it just think all kids need love.

Well the opportunity arose for my son to fly out to texas, haven't seen him in almost a year, I was going to train him and get him on where I work he would probably stay here for 2 weeks. Originally she agreed then went balistic, massive indifference get lost, you're nothing, I'm so sick of you I can't even cry, I'd rather be alone, You love the Golden Boy from the Golden P**** more then you love our children.

I can't keep doing this, being punished for loving is what's happening, and I will never have my love for my children bow down to her hatred and submit. So it's adios next week, and she is so kewl and soooo cold and so stubborn and so always right, I know it will be forever. She is snuffing out my light, I want to be filled with love for all.

[IndiReloaded]

This is your 2nd wife? You know, at some point, you should consider that YOU are the common element in your failed/failing marriage. That could be you pick the wrong women, OR that you aren't growing yourself.

I don't suppose you've tried to address WHY your wife is insecure about your son?

Have you told her, bluntly, that her name for your son is disrespectful?

That doesn't mean that whatever her issues are about YOU (and they are about you, not your son) aren't valid. She just needs to find a more respectful way to address them

Its a partner's job to help in this regard, in case you missed that part of the explanation of 'commitment'. Based on your post, you don't sound easy to negotiate with.

Want to respond to any of this?

[vashti]

I think a lot of people who remarry don't take their existing children's best interests into consideration. Many, many people have problems surrounding the raising of someone else's children. Based on divorce statistics for blended families, it is the rule rather than the exception. Do your three little ones a favor, and don't remarry until they are grown.

[Harte]

Sure i understand that I'm a 2 time loser. I know I might not be the easiest person to deal with. I also know my loving heart, and her vengeful mean spirit. I also know that her attitudes are way outside of what would be considered "reasonable" I've listened and talked to her and the issues which reside within her head are not even true. She says I did/do so much for my x. Yet she wears the 9k dollar ring she lives in a beautiful home, she has a husband who is with his children and one who has adored her. Gets me nowhere I'm tired of being treated in this ugly manner when I've been a pretty darn good husband.

[IndiReloaded]

Okay. So you are reasonable and she is not? If you mentally separate the *way* she makes her point, you cannot find merit in any of her arguments?

If yes, improve your communication with couples counselling. If no, then you married a harpie and should have bailed years ago. But then why did you have children with such a person? If she is crazy, she must be a terrible mother as well.

This sounds to me like you get the 7 year itch (or ten, whatever). History repeating itself. Unless there is abuse or some other dealbreaker, you need to sort this out. Once burned, shame on her (maybe). Twice burned, shame on you? You have kids, you made a commitment. Same for her.

[Harte]

Thanks Vashti, my error when we first were together she used him to coral me pretending like she was going to love him and he was special to her. Her ulterior motive in hindsight seems to have been to rope me. She immediately started demonstrating her attitude towards him after she was pregnant with our first. He our oldest together 9 was an invitro baby, I wanted to make her dream of being a mom be fullfilled. Really seems to be more of an attitude directed to me having a previous. I have tolerated it for years for the sake of the 3 little ones, but it just isn't nor ever was right. Its about love not hate ..................... She needs to come around at this point cause this dude aint backing down this time.

[IndiReloaded]

So, how old are the kids? Why bail now?

[Harte]

yeah Indi don't think seven year itch I made a bad choice, probably based on defiicits in my own personality. Yes I've listened to her and really nothing she says has merit in this regard. It's not rational. Maybe she has itch, hope so. BTW we do our best with the kids I"ve always been very active in their rearing, changed as many diapers as her. I let her sleep in each day while I primp them and groom and feed them prior to school. They actually are the best dressed best groomed kids in their class. Not one day has gone by that I didn't make sure they were perfect. Now we fall short other ways studies we could work harder. We both give them love and do our best............ I've been hanging in there for them.

[Harte]

Boy 9, Girl 7, Boy 3, bailing now because she has reached new levels of this indifference, maybe its depression or something don't know........ I am really missing my older son also I was so excited then let so down. It occured to me she is altering the way I want to be to live and to love. She is putting out my light.

[IndiReloaded]

Perimenopause? How old is your wife? Some women go nuts around that time.

Other common effects encountered during the perimenopausal period include mood changes, insomnia, fatigue, and memory problems. Some of these complaints may not be related to the actual hormonal fluctuations involved in menopause, but if this is indeed the case, not enough research has been done to determine why some women in menopause report these effects (from wiki, you can look up the rest).

Also, its my pet thread, but have you read & understood the Stages of Marriage article? These ups and downs are normal. I've been w/my husband almost 20 years. Many are the times I've wanted to hit him with a shovel & bury him in the backyard. Him, likewise, I'm sure.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/28296-stages-marriage-long-term-relationship.html[/url]

[Feonixbrimstone]

Sorry something like that happened but that is probabaly a good thing. Love is usually never fair.

[Harte]

Well Indi I would agree with you if it didn't start happening till recently. She's 44 so maybe some mid life thing or pre late life thing. Things seem they are always a long time coming, I knew this wouldn't work 10 years ago and here we are. Before we were married I told her my concern was that she would become indifferent nonresponsive and sullen. Almost a self fullfilling prophesy.

[vashti]

I am quite sure you have contributed in some way, even if by no other way than refusing to be firm about her bad behavior right from the start. WHY did you marry her when you knew there'd be trouble 10 years ago?

The only thing I'd like to point out is that by divorcing her, you are putting your own two little ones at great risk of ending up in a household like you have provided for your older son. Whomever your wife ends up dating/marrying will be dealing with your kids, and it is not outside the realm of possibility that she won't choose well, either. And of course, you already know your own track record.

[Harte]

I'm a firm believer in accountability, I've always let it slide when she has her 1 week spells where she punishes. Thing is she can take it farther, longer , colder then me. I wish I could hold out till she was forced to confront the issue and take responsibility. Usually I give in just to restore sanity to household. One of the reasons I'm drawing a line in the sand this time, hoping she'll see how devastating her behavior is. My guess she'll never give in and would cut off her nose to spite her face before confronting the issue. Other then these spells of hers really it's a very good marriage. .......... and Vashti I hear what you're saying about the little ones being second class citizens to the next step parents. It all is very odd to me, I know I would never approach a step child with these twisted attitudes I've seen in my wife and in others. I know I could love step kids. Also I have known others who are mature enough and secure enough to see thru their base drives well enough to parent a step.

[Gigabitch]

Get up on your hind legs and stare her down. You're bailing on ALL OF THEM, not just your wife. You can't separate her from your kids. You're being a reactive ass.

Yes, she's the bitch from hell. She's always been the bitch from hell and you chose to have kids with her. Don't you dare slink off now and leave those children with this horrible woman. Believe me, you divorce her and it's open season on you from now on. She will marry someone who treats your kids the way she's treated your son. How can you stop this from happening? by not divorcing her.

Who do you think you're fooling with this "drawing a line in the sand" bullshit? You're not ready to fight. You're ready to quit.