Hi,
Please help me!
First I would like to say I am not posting this for people to attack me. I know I have made mistakes and I feel terrible about it. If you want to attack me, then don’t reply and please do it in your own mind. I am only human, we all make mistakes.
Every relationship I have had in the past has ended up hurting me. Everytime I fall in Love I have got hurt.
Ok in October 2010 I started talking to a guy from another city. In a short period of time we became very close and good friends – best friends, speaking nearly everyday on the phone. In november that year I went away to visit a friend who was just married. While there I bumped into an ex boyfriend, the friend I was staying with had a big fight with her new husband and being with them was unbarable. My ex offered me to stay with him. I did and we started dating again. But for some reason I felt like I was cheating on my best friend, even though we had never gone out. I extended my holiday and stayed over Christmas and New year. In January the guy I was staying with proposed to me. I was shocked but for some reason said yes. I didn’t love him, but he was a good person inside and treated me like no other boyfriend had treated me before. I made a mistake and I married him thinking I could fall in love with him. We got married in January 2011. As time went by after this, I regretted my decision more, we fought a lot and he used to say some nasty things to me, and was generally a very cold person, not giving me love or affection. In May I had to go home for Visa issues.
When home I did not miss him and we continued fighting. We arranged to go on holiday a little after (our honeymoon). We fought every day and I told him I wanted to break up with him. He begged me for another chance so i agreed, but didn’t really want to, any affection I had for him before had gone. After the holiday he went home and I went back to my home. Waiting for the visa documents to process.
All while this was happening I stayed in contact with my best friend. I didn’t tell him everything, but he helped me stop being too sad.
In September my friend was visiting my city for a holiday and we arranged to meet. Immediately we were so close. We did nothing to cheat on my husband, but I felt I had feelings for him. He was perfect. While with him I just wanted to kiss him and be with him. I thought he just thought of me as a friend. But after a week he left. I missed him so much. He was like the guy I had dreamed of my whole life. I knew he was special from before, but now I had fallen in love with my best friend.
After he left, I said I was missing him and after some talking, he admitted the same and we realised we both had feelings for each other. I had butterflies in my stomach, I had never ever felt like this about someone and I felt he was my soul mate.
We carried on talking everyday nearly and we both fell even more in love. Meanwhile my husband was still making me unhappy, I did not love him, he didn’t make me happy in anyway and I had no spark for him, I had no desire to be with him. I tried to break up with him, but he would just ignore it and change the subject. I wanted to scream. I knew I didn’t want him and that was enough of a reason to break up, but also I am ashamed to say my feelings for another man led to me doing it also, but I felt very guilty. We had delays with the visa documents and to be honest I didn’t have any desire to rush things along. My husband came to see me in December and within a couple of days I broke up with him. Even though I shouldn’t have, I was thinking of my best friend every second, the man I love. Even though I broke up with my husband, he again pretended like nothing had happened, when I brought it up again, he would just cry. I felt so bad, so guilty. He was not a bad person, but I felt him more of a friend, but not someone I wanted to be married to.
He went home at the end of Dec. Since then he was calling up again pretending like nothing happened, and again my guilt was driving me crazy, I felt so bad.
Its now 2 weeks on. I know I don’t want to be with my husband. He doesn’t make me happy and I don’t love him. But I feel terrible leaving him. Also every bit of me including my heart is telling me to be with the man I love. But I am terrified. We have never been together, everytime I fall in love I have been hurt in the past, but this love is like no other I have had before, I think of him everyday and he feels the same. I am scared of regret, scared of making another mistake, I know no matter what I am going to hurt someone lots. I have the choice of hurting my husband, or the choice of hurting my soul mate and my happiness.
Please help!