I had her back but I lost her again...please help!

[Chris4984]

This is going to be long, so please bear with me if you can. My ex fiance (who I was with almost 5 years when the breakup happened) and I finally got back together after being broken up for almost a year, it was a rocky reconciliation, there was so much back and forth and uncertainty, but then finally about two weeks ago we both realized that we loved each other and wanted to make it work.

In the close to a year apart, I didn't mope over my ex and beg for her back all the time (she broke up with me). I went out and lived my life and thought if me and my ex were meant to be, we'd work things out. I was single for the first time in 5 years and I knew I had to have the mindset that things between my ex and I were not going to work out, otherwise, I'd never be able to get on with my life if I was constantly hung up on her.

So I lived single lifestyle for a while. I never had another girlfriend, but I did make out with a couple of random girls, and I ended up having sex with just one girl in the whole 9 months we were apart. It was a one night stand and I never intended on sleeping with this person again. Even though I was single, I still felt bad about it and still thought about my ex, I felt as if I cheated on her, even though we weren't together! That's how much in love I still was with her.

During these 9 months, my ex and I kept in contact and still hung out from time to time. There was a lot of back and forth and neither of us could get on the same page, I'd want to get back together and she didn't, she wanted to get back together and I was unsure, etc. until finally things started to progress really well and she started bringing me around her family again, and we started seeing each other almost daily. We also started having sex with each other again. Then we finally realized how much we loved each other and we decided we wanted to make this work and decided to get back together last week.

Now here is where I've ruined things: Honesty had always been a problem in our relationship. Particularly on my end. I lied a lot. Not necessarily about big things, but little things. I always thought that it was better to fib if the truth would hurt more. I was always afraid if I told her the truth about certain things, she wouldn't want to be with me. I know this is 100% wrong and that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. But no matter what, I could never stop myself from lying about things from time to time.

So basically when we got back together she grilled me about whether or not I had slept with someone. I lied to her and told her no, instead telling her that I had only made out with a couple of random girls. She told me she hadn't slept with anybody, but that she did make out with some guys. I figured she'd leave me if I told her I had slept with someone else. We were both virgins when we got together and I thought if she knew that she was no longer the only girl I've slept with, she'd want nothing to do with me. So I kept this lie up, as she asked me about it constantly. All the while, we were still sleeping together.

So about a week ago, after we had sex, she grills me about it again, demanding to know if I slept with someone else and saying she deserves to know since we have been having sex and that it's only fair to tell her this. So finally I caved and told her the truth, that I had a one night stand, that I used protection, and that it meant nothing and that I lied to her about it because I didn't want to hurt her and because I was afraid of the consequences. She is extremely hurt and says that I have no respect for her because I didn't tell her and that she could have an STD now. I told her I used protection but she said it didn't matter.

She said that me sleeping with someone else when we were apart wasn't as big a deal as me being honest with her about sleeping with someone and that she wished I would have told her the first time I asked. For some reason I think this isn't true and that even if I was honest from the start, she'd still hate me for sleeping with someone else. Because of my lying past, she says she can no longer trust me and that if I can lie about something like that, what else could I lie about? She then asks if I cheated on her when we were together. The honest truth is NO. I would never cheat, ever. But since I lied about sleeping with someone, she thinks I'm lying again and doesn't believe me. This is the damage that lying does and it's only now that I'm truly realizing it.

She then tells me that I am a douchebag and a crappy person who just pretends to be nice but deep down inside they are just an awful person who has no respect for anyone. She says I disrespected her body by not telling her I slept with someone else and that I never cared about her. She then tells me to get out of her life and leave her alone, don't call, don't email, don't text. I tell her that because I do care about her and love her that I will respect her wishes and leave her alone. As I get my stuff to leave her place she says "You're the devil". And then I walk out of her house and out of her life.

Now I'm miserable. I had her back. That's all I really wanted for the past 9 months. And I screwed it all up on lying. Not just this particular lie, but my history of lying about things because I was afraid of the consequences. And now I've lost her again and I don't know what to do. I guess I deserve it. I should never have lied to her. But she is wrong when she calls me a terrible person. I am a good person, I do care about people. I did love her with all my heart but I just had a small problem with telling the truth sometime. It hurts me to think that she thinks I never cared about her or loved her.

So what do I do now? I want to call her so bad but I know I can't. Should I just respect her wishes and leave her alone? Do you think she will ever want to talk to me again after this?? I'm so lost right now. But I have to accept that I dug this grave for myself. If any lesson can be learned from this, its that you should be honest 100% of the time. Unfortunately for me, I learned that probably a little too late. What advice can you all give me on how to deal with this?

[shheadz]

It's hard to feel any sympathy for you, and I'm sure you're not looking for any. How in the world did you not learn your lesson after the first break up? With so much time apart, how did you not learn to become a better person that doesn't lie? You really screwed the pooch on this one, and you completely deserve what you're getting. What a bone-headed thing to do!

I'm just curious why she felt the need to grill you so hard on that question. She was persistent in asking even after you said no many times. It could be from lack of trust.. you have lied in the past.. or it could even be that she did sleep with other people, and finds it hard to believe you hadn't done the same.

Either way you really shot yourself in the foot on this one, and there's nothing you can do but limp away, and try to move on.

[Chris4984]

I appreciate your honesty but I don't really feel it was necessary for you to say things like "what a bone-headed thing to do", "you screwed the pooch", "you deserve what you're getting". I already know that. So you are saying that there is no way she could ever forgive me again? Even if I promise to never lie to her again and really work on that?

[shheadz]

I don't really feel it was necessary for you to say things like "what a bone-headed thing to do", "you screwed the pooch", "you deserve what you're getting".

I said those things so you can appreciate the magnitude of what you've done. Especially in her eyes. If you already knew that, then you shouldn't feel bad hearing it from another person.

You can make all the promises all you want, but those are just words. It's your actions that matter, and you already demonstrated by your actions that your promises mean nothing. When you got back together you made an unspoken promise that you had changed, and wouldn't lie to her anymore (or maybe you did actually tell her that). So I'd give up on trying to make more promises.

The best you can do is admit that lying was wrong, but your intentions were good. Tell her it was hard for you to lie about sleeping with another woman, but you did it to spare her feelings, because you care so much about her.

I can't think of anything else. Maybe the ladies here can give you better advice.

[Chris4984]

Yeah, I never actually said when we got back together that I would never lie again, but I'm sure she assummed that when we got back together I would be honest with her.

I had a lot of issues when we initially broke up almost a year ago...I worked on myself a lot and I did change a lot...unfortunately, the one thing I didn't change was my habit of lying. I lie to her because I think the truth will hurt her, I do it with the warped intention of protecting her, when in reality, it is much worse getting caught in a lie and it causes much more pain. Obviously I know this.

Whatever happens, I will have learned an important lesson for future relationships, whether it is with someone else, or if by some miracle she gives me another shot, and this is that honesty is always more important, even if the truth hurts. Lying is not the way to go!

[Chris4984]

No one else has anything to say about my situation? Please, I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just looking for advice on what I could do to make this right at this point. You can be as brutally honest as you want, I just need some insight please. Thanks!