Made a mistake and hit the 2-3 month dating wall. Need advice.

[RedlineSi]

Well this is my first post here, and while I've sought the advice of some close friends and family, I figured unbiased opinions will help. I hope this won't get too long, but I want to make sure everyone understands the situation. I am 28 and she is 31. First time I've dated anyone older than me.

In mid August I was at my cabin for the weekend for a friends Bachelor party. We were on the lake Saturday afternoon, lounging on the sandbar when a few of us walked down to see if we knew anyone else. Sure enough, two of my friends knew a girl on a pontoon. We all talked and hung out, and I was interested in her. She was in the pontoon of another guy, but she had just met them.

Fast forward the next week, my friends who knew her, mentioned I really should reach out to her, so I looked her up through my friends facebook and sure enough she remembered me and was interested in getting drinks. This was the 2nd weekend in September.

Since then we've spent more and more time together...usually 2-3 times a week and many times staying at eachother's houses. We took a trip Halloween weekend to my cabin and spent the weekend just the two of us at my place, but met with a lot of my friends and her friends who just happen to have cabins as well. It was a fantastic weekend and I found myself getting closer to her emotionally, even though after the first 2 dates, I had hesitations. She comes from a bit of a "nutty" family. She didn't finish college, but has a great job, and we have some different interests, yet share a lot of the same. It was a fun combination and we always joked and laughed. She also had a rough relationship past. She was engaged 3 years ago, but found out her fiance was a recovering alcoholic who started relapsing. They broke it off, he moved back to a neighboring state, and 6 months later, he committed suicide. She then fell into an unhealthy relationship with a person who started to become physical with her, she then moved out and ended that.

With all this in mind I still felt a fantastic draw to her, and a sense of being comfortable with her, that I haven't had before. Then she broke some news to me. The week we left for the cabin trip she said I have to tell you something. I thought of the worst....she said I booked a trip before we hung out to Portland. I said ok....she said you know who goes to college in Oregon...I said yes. (the guy whoms pontoon she was in, was a college student from Oregon. She ended up hanging out at their cabin that night. I teased her about this on our first date, but never thought they still talked). So as she told me this, she said I will cancel the trip because I don't want to ruin what we started. I wondered if this was a test or a trap and said I can't tell you what to do. We aren't in a relationship yet, it's not really my right. She asked me to come with, I declined that as well.

So we went to the cabin, I sort of didn't think about the trip and like I said, had a blast. Well as we got closer to Nov 10th, the day she left for the trip, I got a bad feeling. I was in a relationship 2 years ago that was with a pathological liar. She lied to me about every aspect of her life, and cheated repeatedly, got caught, yet still lied. I started thinking about the worst and it was beginning to bug me.

She left for the trip, we texted a few times while she was there, but she could tell I was being short with her. She came back and I was upset that night she got home. We spoke for an hr on the phone and that's when she told me about her ex fiance, and bad relationship she fell in after. She said I was pushing things a bit and I shouldn't be so worried that she isn't the type to just sleep around, especially at 31, but she can't totally commit to something after 2 months. We've hung out a few times since, but I felt she wasn't feeling the same and she was worried I was pushing this on her. Thanksgiving day happens, she texts me in the morning and that's all we said all day. That night my family was asking about her (they've never met) and I sent her a text mentioning that I was thankful I met her. I had a few glasses of wine....and I didn't hear back so responded some what quickly "I guess I'm alone on that and that I was worried something was wrong."

She wasn't happy and said I was getting myself worked up over nothing. We didn't talk the rest of the weekend and by Sunday I felt pretty stupid after rereading my texts. I sounded like a needy guy who was desperate. Yet at the same time, we both know this trip is what caused it. I called her and left a VM on her phone apologizing and asking if we could talk this past Monday. I have not heard back. I messaged our mutual friend and she told me, she has not spoken to her, but from what I've said, I need to give her some space and that in the past, said girl has liked a challenge and that I was being the total opposite. She said if she calls me, or reaches out to me, hold off for a day, and then respond. I'm just worried all is lost.

What do I do? I'm trying very hard not to say anything else to her, and giving her some space. I know I made a mistake, but it upsets me she won't contact me to tell me she's either done seeing me, or needs time. We both work in an office environment and chat on gmail during the day. She's been off for a week...avoiding me obviously. I'm trying to stay busy, but I tell you, she has 2 dogs that I became very attached to, and it's driving me crazy. How long do I give it? 1 week, 2 weeks? Longer and just forget about it? We have a group of mutual friends, so I'm surprised she wouldn't be embarrassed if this is the way she ends it. Anyways, sorry for the long post, sort of needed to vent. Hopefully I can get some unbiased answers! Thanks!

[Cerby]

Sounds like you came across too strong and now its kind of kicking back on you. Sadly, if someone plays this card early on i the first few months, its likely over. People don't need "space" in the first few months of a relationship, you see each other a few days a week and everything should be smooth sailing. Complete avoidance means she just doesn't want anything to do with it anymore.

Wait a few days and call to see if she wants to go out. If she doesn't pick up or doesn't respond to your voicemail, its done.

[RedlineSi]

I can't disagree with any of your points. I'll give it a few more days and then reach out.

[bcgirl]

I hate all the "games" people play at the beginning of getting to know someone. Isn't the whole point of knowing if a relationship is going to work out is if you two are completely honest in character and personality. You are just being yourself....nothing wrong with that. You may be more of a jealous/possessive personality type or because of what happened in your last relationship or perhaps a mixture of both. Well guess what, people's characters don't just change over night. You are you and thank God for that. So you feel like texting her and contacting her....go ahead and do it. Because the possessive streak will only get stronger the longer you two are together. At least if she see's this now and decides she doesn't want a boyfriend like that, you two haven't invested that much time being together. It's worse if you drop the subject never to know what she did on her trip with that guy only to find out through the grapevine years down the road....
Now many people would be okay with this fact saying "oh it was the beginning of the relationship and we weren't really official then" but if you are like myself (jealous & possessive) then it would hurt like hell.

[RedlineSi]

Well I saw her last night. After talking to a friend who told me just to get it over with and go see her, I went to her house....knowing it might be a mistake.

She wasn't mad I showed up, but she was a bit taken back and said I shouldn't just show up...but agreed since she hadn't responded to me, she understood.

I told her I just need a few mins and we talked for 30 or so. She explained she felt a ton of pressure from me, which is true, and she just backs away when that happens due to her past. She said she's forgiven people in the past and gotten hurt.

I explained to her, had I lied to her, slept around on her, or hurt her in some way, I'd tell her to stick to her guns and not see me again, but that I had the best intentions and let things get to me too soon.

I told her I'd like to resume seeing her in some way because we had some much fun, she said she would be interested in it, but she needs to take her time and see how it goes. I left it in her hands and as I was leaving, she said she'd reach out to me and we'll talk about dinner.

So that's that. I feel better, but I do realize that even though she's 31, she might need time to figure out what to do with relationships, so I'm going to do my own thing for now.

[bcgirl]

That is great on your behalf that you got the courage to go and talk to her....something that your gut is telling you to do. Always follow your gut and don't sweat too much about what the other person might think of you. From what you've posted she's had a difficult past with her last relationships. She pretty much carries baggage from that. When you two get more serious, be prepared to see more glimpses of this baggage.

[bulrush]

She wasn't mad I showed up, but she was a bit taken back and said I shouldn't just show up

Because she's seeing other men. I'd bet money on it. Any monogamous girl would not mind you showing up as a surprise. But, if she wants to date multiple people, she needs to be honest with you about that. Nothing wrong with that, you just have to be open about it so no one gets hurt.

She "likes a challenge"? Sounds like she only dates abusive or dysfunctional guys. It might give her an excuse to have a casual relationship, then blame it's termination on the guy. I'm not judging, but she needs to be honest with herself, and you, that she can only handle casual dating right now. She probably still has issues about her past and abuse. Then again, you might be putting too much pressure on her. What did you say to make her say that?

When you two get more serious, be prepared to see more glimpses of this baggage.

I agree. There's baggages in there. (Picture of kitten holding a suitcase.)

[searock]

Any monogamous girl would not mind you showing up as a surprise.

Not true. I'm monogamous but I would be quite annoyed at my bf if he showed up without at least texting, at least 10 minutes earlier, that he was going to visit.

OP, now she knows how you feel and it really is in her hands. Just wait and in the meanwhile, try to take your mind off the whole situation. Keep us updated : ).

[bcgirl]

^ I agree, i would like to be warned at least 10 minutes before someone showed up. I'm a girl and heavens forbid if a new guy I was seeing caught me off guard and saw me without make-up! I think i'd die! lol

[RedlineSi]

To top this fun story off, I was laid off today. My company laid off its entire sales force. Great week!

She may be seeing others now, but I spent so much time with her the last 3 months, I don't know when she would have then. I have her garage code and went to her place often to take out the dogs.

She was alone when I saw her and I don't believe this is about other guys. I do believe it's baggage from a traumatic past. I can't judge her.....I have no clue what that must feel like.

Anyways. What a week.

[bcgirl]

that sucks redline.... have you heard from her since?

[RedlineSi]

We texted a few times yesterday. She's been through 2 layoffs with companies in the past so she mentioned a few things. Ths isn't helping me stay busy though.