I am suffering inside. Need help

[RepeatingShot]

I am in a long distance relationship. 6 and a half years of long distance relationship. The reason is because we weren't 18 yet. We are now 21 years old. However, we were all planned to move in together this November. Finally, the LDR would be over and we were going to start our lives as a married couple. We always considered ourselves married anyway. We have been engaged for about 5 years. We have had 1 visit (I spent about 5 grand on the trip, 5 star hotel, everything. It was magical), and we had a wonderful time. She said it was the happiest time in her life. We are our first love, first kiss, first date, first everything. She lives on the West coast, I on the East coast.

We are both the 'family' type. We love to spend time together, do arts and crafts, knit together, listen to music, watch movies, talk about philosophy/history/animals, anything. We are not interested in other people or going out with other people or friends. We don't drink or smoke, etc.

We have been very happy together. We spend every single day on the phone. We sleep together on the phone, we leave it unhooked so we can be together. She likes to hear me snore and says she just wants to be near me. I feel the same. We watch TV, movies, on the phone. We eat together. We can't wait to live together. Both of us have dedicated everything to each other, and we are the most compatible couple you could think of. We want 3 kids, animals, etc. We want to travel, we want to learn instruments together....We both respect and love each other with all of our hearts.


Ok, now that is out of the way.

We had -1- problem during our relationship. During the first year of our relationship, she did 2 stupid things with 2 different males. One of the males was trying to break us up and was trash talking me (her friends told me) to her. She would spend time with him.... anyway, then she lied to me a few times some months after that. Since it is LDR, I really can't -see- what she is doing when we are not on the phone, right? So I got self-destructive sometimes, and when she disappears for hours during the time we are supposed to be together, she tells me she either fell asleep, or the phone broke, etc. I doubted her in the past, so I tried to break up. A lot, during the first few years of our relationship. Whenever I did, she cried her eyes out and would say things like "I love you I love you, I just want to be happy together" and would tell me she feels like killing herself because she lost the 1 thing she wanted in life. Ok, so when I would hear her doing that, trying so hard to stay together, it would make me feel like maybe she is telling the truth, and she does love me. That's all I want. To be happy together. So I end the problem immediately. The problems never last more than 2-3 hours. All of it happens within that timeframe. Then I am the one trying to cheer her up and telling her it's ok when she is crying and telling me she loves me. So I always gave her a chance and stayed. Because I love her and just want to be happy in life and share my life, build a life together, etc..

I have never done anything to hurt her, except I guess when I get self-destructive and start asking if she wants to break up when one of those problems happen up there. She has been a wonderful wife and I want to be together.


PRESENT
Fast forward a few year to right now. She has been sleeping a TON. She stopped going to college because she said she wants to just wait and come live with me and enroll in college here. So she's in her room a ton. For the past 6 months, she has been sleeping anywhere between 14-18 hours per night. Eventually, I started wondering if she is lying to me. Why is she sleeping 18 hours a night? Is she getting up at night while I sleep again? Is there a medical problem? This is not normal, you know? She was otherwise happy with me though. She would just sigh and say "ahh, I am so happy with you. I love you (my name)"...... so I don't know what is going on. I try to get her to wake up, but she never does it on her own. I tried to get her to do stuff when I'm not there, but she doesn't...

Well, 1 month ago, we had another one of those disappearing problems. She was gone for 1 hour and left me waiting for her on the phone. We had the movie in the DVD player, we were on the phone and ready to spend time, but she wanted to reheat food in the microwave and said she'd be right back really quick. She said she needed 20 minutes, so I said 20 mins to reheat food? She got sad because she thought I was upset about the 20 mins. I said it's fine, just go, I am not upset, don't overreact. Well, she went and was gone for 1 hour without a word from her. I overreacted when she showed up again, because she left me waiting without any call to tell me she's going to be late or anything, and I said I lost faith in her.

Let me make it clear we never yell or cuss. I get sad, not angry. Same as her.

I overreacted and said a hurtful thing to a loved one. I immediately said I was sorry and I didn't mean it. I got self-destructive again. She started crying and I felt horrible. I told her I am done with the trust problem (first time I ever said that). In the past, I told her the trust problem wouldn't happen if she wouldn't disappear. I don't disappear. I always respect her and love her, do anything she asks of me. So I would say she has to deal with my reaction. If I did something wrong to her, I would deal with it the same way.

Anyway, I told her everything is OK. I am going to fix my trust problems and leave it in the past. It's stupid to be paranoid. I have to give my trust fully along with my heart. I completely took responsibility for overreacting.

Here's the problem.

She is depressed. For 1 month now, she sleeps ALL DAY. She doesn't eat unless I ask her to eat. She doesn't take a shower unless I ask her to. She doesn't want to do anything with her life. She says she is no longer happy about ANYTHING, including our relationship. She has NEVER said that in her life, 6 and a half years.

She said she isn't happy with me. She said she isn't happy anymore in the things that used to fill her with happiness, thinking about a family with me, being together, traveling, etc....

She said her emotions feel black, empty. She doesn't want ANYONE to talk to her, including me (first time in her life she says this. She always wants me to talk to her, I always cheered her up)

I looked up depression. She has 7 of the 8 symptoms. She is not suicidal. She's just 'there'. I checked out 2 books on depression from the library and I have read many articles online. I am doing the things suggested. I am trying very hard to ignore the hurtful things she says, because people in depression always do that. It still hurts you know, but this is not about me or us. She is depressed and she probably doesn't mean it.

She cannot even have a conversation. She gets VERY stressed out even talking about ANYTHING for over 5 minutes. She is VERY irritable. Most of the day, she just wants to be left alone so she can rest more (never asked me to leave her alone, this is a first). If I ask her to watch something with me, she will, but only because I want to. I never in my life forced her to do ANYTHING if she didn't want to.

I tell her I love her, and she says she still loves me. She says she knows she loves me, but she doesn't feel it.

To me, this is depression. I got her to see a therapist last night, but it was a family thing with her parents. I want her to see one for herself, personal.

Does anyone have any insight on what else I need to do?

I will do anything to be happy together. Fix whatever I have to fix. Couples don't stay together for 50 years without going through problems like this. She is my life, my love. She knows that. I am her life, her love. I'm all she ever wanted, and she is all I ever wanted.

Do you think we will be OK if she gets treatment?

[girl68]

She needs to get help. You a non-professional can only get her so far. A pro needs to take her the rest of the way.

Ask her to see a doctor.

[RepeatingShot]

Well, she was seeing a family therapist until last night. I got her to make a personal therapy session for this coming week. She has an appointment thankfully.

However, it's hurting a lot...

1) Her parents were bothering her for sleeping all day. I told her to go to school or work or something. So now she wants to do something that we were supposed to do together when we moved in together this year, volunteer with animals. I told her that is good for her, to do it. Even though I secretly felt a little sad... because we both love animals, and we talked about doing that together. She always made a BIG POINT on doing things together, she wouldn't even want to learn how to do things without me, I always thought it was sweet and I would always be there for her and do whatever activities she wanted.... anyway, I didn't tell her, but it hurt me a little. It's not about me though, at this point, she needs to get out of her room.

2) She is saying hurtful things.

For instance, she said she feels like she wants to break up, but she isn't because just in case it might be the depression making her feel like this. I told her it is, I have read about it in a million places already.

She also said that she remembers when I would jokingly say, "Wow we spend a lot of time together. Maybe it's too much, you will get bored of my voice, *laugh*" and she would laugh with me and find the whole notion ridiculous. With passion and conviction, for 6 and a half years, she would say she will never get tired of it. She loves my voice and who I am, and being with me.

However now...she just told me she feels like just being alone and she doesn't like being on the phone with me anymore. She said she is shocked she feels this way, she was 10000% sure she would never want to be away from me.

Do you know how hurtful that is? I feel like DYING! ... Ouch ouch ouch. We are/were both sensitive types. Ouch. ;/ I tried to hold in my emotions and just told her that she needs to stop thinking negative thoughts. Just be alive and distract yourself with things. The depression is going to bring you bad feelings, don't dwell on them.


3) She said she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore with anyone. But if she did want to be in one, she would want to be with me.

4) She said she doesn't want to talk to anyone anymore, including me...


Anyway, can anyone help me here? Do you think I lost her ? I mean, she is depressed, but did I lose her..?

These past few days, I have stopped being around her as much. To give her what she needs. Whatever she wants, basically.

but since this is a forum, I need some help now. am I going to lose the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me?

Before this depression, she said I was the most wonderful thing ever happened to her. She still says I have a good heart and am a good person.

did I lose her or will she be better after treatment and we can be happy again?

[RepeatingShot]

Feeling terrible, could really use opinions and insight ;/ The one person in my life I turned to is the one depressed, so i kinda need help ;/

[FullofSighs]

Get professional help, talk to a psychiatrist or something for advice on what you can do to help her

[Linli]

I think it's going to be difficult to do much from afar. Are you in direct contact with her parents or any of her close friends? You could ask them to check up on her. To act in your stead. Although I know your situation is quite unusual, I think that she would still benefit hugely from some sort of physical presence, even though it's not you directly. Plus, that way you will potentially have the opportunity to know for sure whether or not she's getting the treatment she needs.