Egoistic boyfriend who puts me down

[HeartWeaver]

Hey, I'd like the advice of you guys here.

My fiance is good to me in many ways, but whenever I disagree with him on anything he would put me down, calls me annoying and presumptuous, then proceed to give me the cold treatment, then when I attempt to communicate with him to initiate a truce he'd brush my feelings aside.

I don't want to let go this relationship, since I am very happy with it, other than his immature and egoistic arrogance during disagreements and arguments, but I feel stifled in the relationship because it feels like I am not allowed to disagree with him at all. Disrespect and controlling tendencies is a deal breaker for me.

Forget about saying anything of finding someone better, I think this is the best I can do. I figure it's best for me to get involved in relationships in the future if this one fails.

[surfhb]

Bottom line is there is a problem with the relationship. You just admitted you're willing to accept his behavior since you enable him by not standing up for yourself

Tell him it's not acceptable and if he continues you need to move on. This is why it's called dating.....you're not married

[fearoflove]

All men turn into jerks. Familiarity turns into contempt. If he doesn't change into a jerk now, he will do that in a marriage. If he finds you annoying, then distance yourself. Can you tell us a little more about a reoccurring issue you two disagree on?

[HeartWeaver]

All men turn into jerks. Familiarity turns into contempt. If he doesn't change into a jerk now, he will do that in a marriage. If he finds you annoying, then distance yourself. Can you tell us a little more about a reoccurring issue you two disagree on?

I've seen nice men, I don't mean to generalise. Whether they're sincere or not is another matter. It's a general pattern, not a specific issue. It seems like I am not allowed to disagree with him without appearing like being hostile and presumptuous to him. So basically he does not respect what I have to say, and I don't even expect him to agree with me on everything.

[michelle23]

Can you be more specific. Its hard to offer you advice if we are not sure what the issues are.

[HeartWeaver]

Can you be more specific. Its hard to offer you advice if we are not sure what the issues are.

What exactly are you not clear about?

[TheEvilJester]

All men turn into jerks. Familiarity turns into contempt. If he doesn't change into a jerk now, he will do that in a marriage. If he finds you annoying, then distance yourself. Can you tell us a little more about a reoccurring issue you two disagree on?

Yeah, that phenomenon is not isolated to just men. A lot of people, male or female, take their significant other for granted, and especially after marriage. Bottom line is people are scumbags. I've used this quote many times before and will likely use it again. In the words of the great Dr. Cox "People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling." There are very few exceptions in this world... but you know what? That's okay. It makes the people who aren't bastards so much more worthwhile. Finding them is hard, though.

Anyway, back to the OP. Your fiance sounds childish to me. You need a man, not a man-child. It seems he is leaving you no choice, so you will have to be the adult and try to have an adult conversation with him about why it is not okay to treat you this way. I mean, unless the opinions he is belittling you for are things like "The Nazis were right" or "I hate all midgets" or something like that, then he has no right to be acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum just because your opinions differ.

If he can have an adult conversation with you, maybe you will actually be doing him and yourself a big favor. He may not stop to think about the way he is acting, and knowing that he does this may help him to improve as a person. If he is unwilling to admit he has done anything wrong, and unwilling to change it, then you really should move on and find a real man. But, ultimately that is your decision. Good luck either way. I hope you find what you are looking for in life, be that with this guy, or somebody else down the road.

[michelle23]

You say he treats you great but he belittles you and puts you down.

Maybe my definition of being treated good or bad is different to yours so can you elaborate on that. How does he treat you great? How does he treat you bad?

I want to know details so I can determine how big the issues are and what needs to be done to solve them

[HeartWeaver]

You say he treats you great but he belittles you and puts you down.

Maybe my definition of being treated good or bad is different to yours so can you elaborate on that. How does he treat you great? How does he treat you bad?

I want to know details so I can determine how big the issues are and what needs to be done to solve them

Oh, I see. Thanks for your clarification.

He has been financially helping me with moving out of my controlling parents' home as well as emotionally supporting me through this. He's very romantic and sweet to me, and understands my quirks, while also is understanding to my lack of sexual experience (he's a virgin too). I've had 4 boyfriends and he's the one who walks the talk the most. He has made a lot of compromises and changes for me, but something that is virtually untouchable is his oversensitive ego.

However, when I so much as disagree about something with him, he takes it personally as a personal attack towards his intelligence and capability (when I didn't even mean to in the first place), then becomes passive-aggressive. When I show that his cold shoulder is hurting me (he says he just wants to escape the negative situation, but it seems like he's actually using it to punish me for having my own opinion), it makes the argument worst or he ignores me more. Also he seems to speak down to me, especially regarding something that he knows more about than I do, and I am often the one who apologises but he is reluctant to apologise to me. He doesn't seem to feel anything when he hurts my ego, sometimes intentionally.

Overall he has ego problems and seems to think of himself as above me. Whereas I understand that people act inconsiderately when upset, it should not be a recurring problem. I don't think he's being emotionally abusive or manipulative, just being insensitive of others' feelings, yet expecting me to be considerate of his feelings.

I read that people who uses silence as a punishment want to feel in control, and I am concerned if he is a control freak. Perhaps it was driven by his inner insecurity of himself. I have tried my best to be sensitive towards his feelings (which has indeed reduce friction by a lot), but he takes offense in perceived attacks which I never did mean that way, and he refuses to make this a two-way street as he doesn't seem to be respecting me as an equal who also have feelings. In other things he's not controlling, except for anything regarding his ego being hurt.

The problem is that he perceives himself as an emotionally sensitive person and refuse to acknowledge that it is his weakness, not his strength. I see him trying very hard to improve that aspect when times are good, though when he's angry it all goes down the drain.

Thanks a lot for offering me advice anyway!

[HeartWeaver]

Yeah, that phenomenon is not isolated to just men. A lot of people, male or female, take their significant other for granted, and especially after marriage. Bottom line is people are scumbags. I've used this quote many times before and will likely use it again. In the words of the great Dr. Cox "People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling." There are very few exceptions in this world... but you know what? That's okay. It makes the people who aren't bastards so much more worthwhile. Finding them is hard, though.

Anyway, back to the OP. Your fiance sounds childish to me. You need a man, not a man-child. It seems he is leaving you no choice, so you will have to be the adult and try to have an adult conversation with him about why it is not okay to treat you this way. I mean, unless the opinions he is belittling you for are things like "The Nazis were right" or "I hate all midgets" or something like that, then he has no right to be acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum just because your opinions differ.

If he can have an adult conversation with you, maybe you will actually be doing him and yourself a big favor. He may not stop to think about the way he is acting, and knowing that he does this may help him to improve as a person. If he is unwilling to admit he has done anything wrong, and unwilling to change it, then you really should move on and find a real man. But, ultimately that is your decision. Good luck either way. I hope you find what you are looking for in life, be that with this guy, or somebody else down the road.

Well, he doesn't seem to care enough to reply to me at all. I've apologised to him again. I'll give him a week, if he's still doesn't reply and is still throwing a tantrum then I'd just cut off from him. It's ok, though, I've given up on love and I believe it's not worth the energy and risk. Hearing about how people are scum (at least most of them) just makes me more convinced that I should forget it.

[surfhb]

Wow! It's a complainy pants, bitch fest in this thread.

Again....you are enabling him to be this way by not standing up for yourself. Have you even bothered to address this with him?

People are generally good and work well within social environments. This is how we evolved into who we are today. Talk to the guy once he calls back....if not then find a real man

[dontaskme]

Oh, I see. Thanks for your clarification.

He has been financially helping me with moving out of my controlling parents' home as well as emotionally supporting me through this.

So he's basically paying you to shut up! That's the reason why you shouldn't accept any monetary support from your BF because now he thinks you owe him and the last word should be his.

[HeartWeaver]

Wow! It's a complainy pants, bitch fest in this thread.

Again....you are enabling him to be this way by not standing up for yourself. Have you even bothered to address this with him?

People are generally good and work well within social environments. This is how we evolved into who we are today. Talk to the guy once he calls back....if not then find a real man

Ok... o.0 Didn't realise talking about my problems = bitching.

I did stand up for myself many times, he just doesn't respond or later he apologises, then he does it again.

I've tried to, but still he's not replied. I'd give him a week and then it's over.

- - - Updated - - -

So he's basically paying you to shut up! That's the reason why you shouldn't accept any monetary support from your BF because now he thinks you owe him and the last word should be his.

Well, I really needed it, or my life will be the mess it is now. I've just resigned to my fate.

[dontaskme]

Don't sell your soul to the devil. Get the fukc out of the relationship ASAP. It will only get worst. There is nothing more damaging to a person than losing one's words, confidence and identity.

[michelle23]

Is this a new relationship? If yes, I see a huge red flag here. Your vulnerable and looking for financial support. He swoops in mr knight in shining armour but is already showing controlling tendencies.

One piece of advice: never start a relationship when you are vulnerable. If your having issues at home then do whatever it takes to improve your own financial situation before you move in with a man. Don't accept money from him and don't move in with him unless you can support yourself and get out if/when you need to.

Also the fact your a virgin. You need to protect yourself from men who see you as a challenge coz you will be used and hurt otherwise. You shouldn't even tell men you are dating this until you know hes serious about you and is committed. Also how old is he? And do you really believe he us a virgin?