Something doesn't feel right....

[Kaius]

I'm gonna try to tell it as it is...objectively. I don't want my emotions to influence anyone's perception.

My woman and I met late 2009, and we have been dating for about a year. We each have 2 young kids from previous marriage. I was going through some craziness in the first half of last year because of my insecurities. I saw a shrink and I eventually got better. Then I lost my job in July, found a new job in September at lower pay. Our kids met each other last August, and we intend to merge our families eventually. Last month I proposed to her, and we are scheduled to marry this November.

I've never had to sweat about money in the past, but lately I've been kinda stressed. My divorce costed me almost $500k in assets (half to ex-wife). I am 36 years old, and I am living in a one-bedroom apartment to cut costs. I pay $5,000 a month in alimony and child support. My job lost in July really messed me up. Around that time, my woman's deadbeat ex decided to stop paying child support because he lost his job too. I gave her $10,000 cash to carry her over till the situation improves. Then in November I have her another $5,000 because her deadbeat ex couldn't be reached. I then spent $20,000 on the engagement ring. Spent $3,000 on a Christmas vacation for all 6 of us. Now her deadbeat husband declares hardship and refuses to pay any child support indefinitely. I recommended a lawyer, and paid a $5,000 retainer.

I am extremely stressed right now, because although I am not in debt, I am almost tapped out. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to pay for the wedding. I don't know how I am going to provide for her after we are married. I am gambling on the idea that I will find a better job later this year. She can't work because she has small children and is taking classes. I gave her my credit card and she is already using it for gas and clothes. She says she feels really grateful to me, and loves me so deeply for me saving her life. I never expected this.... these extra expenses... I'm actually losing sleep over this. When I was married, I had a maid who cooks and cleans and takes care of the kids. She is expecting me to hire a maid once we are married. Right now I pay $400 a month for a cleaning lady to clean her house once a week. She says I'm spoiling her. I am happy to provide for her, but right now I am feeling the pinch. Some nights I stay awake feeling angry that she has put me in this situation. She is totally depending on me to give her a good life, something which her ex never gave to her.

I feel frustrated. I don't think she is exploiting me in any way. In fact, she feels sad that her burdens are bleeding into my pocketbook. I love her so much I can't let her drown. I figure if I am willing to die for her, then I don't mind giving everything to her. But I am concerned about my future plans. I have never been the one to live one day at a time, but now I really cant foresee more than a day at a time. I feel sad. I'm so drained that I've been sick for a month.

Any insight?

[BeneathTheSun]

STOP THIS BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. She and her ex are grown ups and they need to settle their problems and find away to take care of their children without your money. I can understand you though, I had a broke girlfriend before and I paid for everything, not in the amounts you are talking about but I can understand the need to do so.

But it's now or never my friend. This can only go from bad to worse. This is not your responsibility and she is not asking for your help, so you can stop now. Get back on track, dont jepordize anything more, you have your own expenses and your own children to think about, they come first.

Can't you explain this situation to her? You can get back money from the engagement ring, without calling of the engagement, and prospone the wedding. I know it's not what you want to do but I think you should priortize the saftey of your children, provide for them not for her.

[EnjoyingLife]

Get tougher! If you don't look after yourself, you won't be able to work at all so who will look after your kids?? Stop paying for her life! I am sure she is capable of cleaning her own house! There is one expense you can wipe out. I agree with BeneathTheSun yourself and your kids should be your first priority. If your fiance genuinely loves you she would see what this is doing to you and refuse your money and deal with her own issues like an adult. You're not responsible for her and her kids yet, as you're only engaged. You're not living together or married yet.

Good luck, I hope everything works out.

[HeartIsAching]

Stop giving money to your ex. Seriously... she's getting $60,000/year from you in child support and alimony? That's plenty. As a matter of fact, since you have a job that pays less than you did, there's a good chance you can go back to court and get your child support reduced.

Cut the frickin' strings, man. It's over, she doesn't deserve any more from you than what the court decrees.

[Kaius]

Beneaththesun, that is some great advice. I feel myself overwhelmed. I have to tell her that I need to postpone wedding till I am back on track.

Enjoying life, you are right. I am paying for stuff that I really shouldn't yet. It's a dangerous area I am entering. She is causing me a lot of stress and I am beginning to resent the situation.

Heart, I wish I could stop the alimony. I was paying my ex $8000 a month in alimony and child support before I lost my job, so she thinks I am already getting a break. Damn I am in no position to marry right now. I have to rethink.

[reeba]

You calling her husband a dead beat for not paying while unemployed, yet in the next breath want to reduce your payments to your own ex because the new job doesn't pay as well?

All I hear is money money money and a tally of some pretty big bills. You think she is costing you now. Just wait till she really has you with the wedding vows. She is just getting warmed up - better up the limit on the credit card, think nanny, a new car, ect.

You need to do a little test. Tighten the purse strings, and see how she reacts.

[xxazurexx]

Agree with you Reeba.

Money, money, money is all I'm seeing too. Sounds like a gold digging bitch to me who has it good and at Kaius expense. This wanting a maid to look after her kids and credit cards for gas and clothes....doesn't she effing work to contribute??? About time she started.

Stop the funding.....see how long she stays around.

I know it's nice to spoil loved ones, but she's taking the piss IMO.

[Petit Papillon]

If you're so poor then why did you buy her a ring for 20 000 $? Are you ****ing insane?
If you did that, then I guess that you're not very carefull with money, so then if something happened it's your fault.

[sookie6]

Are you for real?

The minute you gave her money her ex realised the opportunity to get out of child support..;as long as he does not see his children starving (ok I'm exagerating a bit here) he won't take responsibility...also she should be the one working hard even for lower pay to provide for her kids...what a burden for you!! you're willing to take responsibility for a family that is not yours in the first place..the cost of the ring should have put aside on a saving account for emergency purposes and also why do you bother paying for a wedding...you don't have to marry...why would you marry...? at least give it another couple of years until things are setlled..

I also feel it's unfair to be spending so much on someone else when you have your own child/dren to provide for...everything you are giving away is taken away from them....

I'm sorry for this woman's kids but they have 2 parents who need to face reality.

Did you not see this coming when you met her? Why did you decide to date her? what attracted you to her? she needs to find her OWN financial balance before becoming a burden to a new man. Millions of single mothers are doing it worldwide...she needs to face reality.

[sookie6]

Also your fiance should NEVER have accepted this ring given the current situation! Never!

[xxazurexx]

are you for real?

The minute you gave her money her ex realised the opportunity to get out of child support..;as long as he does not see his children starving (ok i'm exagerating a bit here) he won't take responsibility...also she should be the one working hard even for lower pay to provide for her kids...what a burden for you!! You're willing to take responsibility for a family that is not yours in the first place..the cost of the ring should have put aside on a saving account for emergency purposes and also why do you bother paying for a wedding...you don't have to marry...why would you marry...? At least give it another couple of years until things are setlled..

I also feel it's unfair to be spending so much on someone else when you have your own child/dren to provide for...everything you are giving away is taken away from them....

I'm sorry for this woman's kids but they have 2 parents who need to face reality.

Did you not see this coming when you met her? Why did you decide to date her? What attracted you to her? She needs to find her own financial balance before becoming a burden to a new man. Millions of single mothers are doing it worldwide...she needs to face reality.

well said!!!!!!

[sookie6]

well said!!!!!!

Thanks! I've gotta say this thread made me very passionate...nearly ruined my keyboard here by typing so fast!

[Boisdevie]

20 grand on ring - you must be ****ing mad

[xxazurexx]

No wonder she has multiple orgasms.

I'd be having multiple orgasms too and if some guy was willing to spend all that shit on me....and give me free reign with his credit card...wtf??

[sookie6]

I don't think you should marry her...