Ending of a 4 1/2 year relationship? Or not? Need help!

[mtnadventures]

Hi,

I'm 21 and my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years just broke up with me wednesday night after we had a conflict about not being able to see eachother. See we have been in a long distance relationship for 2 1/2 years after I moved to another state to go to college. We have been going pretty much strong the whole time and we were planning on being together after he finished up his school as well.

He had promised me he would never let me down, that he loved me, and that someday he would marry me. Then all of the sudden when I was upset about not being able to see eachother when he cancelled plans because something came up he said that he was done with all of this. When I talked to him later he said he only considered me as a friend, he didn't love me like that anymore, and stuff. But he still wants to talk to me and he still considers me his best friend. I find that really hard to actually believe because the night before he was professing his love to me. And there were no warning signs at all. When I asked him he said that he just "had to make a decision", but honestly things cannot be that black and white. AND...

I have no idea what is going on because this exact same situation has happened twice before. Both of those times he swore we would never get back together, and of course we did. And it also happened around a time where something was changing majorly in his life like a move, or something (this time he is going off to a different college in the midwest). I'm not sure whether to take what he said seriously, or think of it as the same old trend and just see what happens.

Also, I just find it hard to believe that after 4 1/2 years and after telling me he loved me that he can honestly say he doesn't at all suddenly. That we are just friends and only friends and that he doesn't think of me that way. This boy only thinks in black and white, and sticks with his decisions until they die down and he "forgets" why he chose them. The other weird thing is that there were no signs that this was going to happen and I'm not a blind person. I saw him 2 weeks before this and we were totally lovey-dovey and talking about future plans and stuff and he cuddled me and told me everything would work out. But right after he dumped me he also said that he wants to still keep me as his "good friend" and talk to me more than he talks to his guy friends because i am "special" but that we "will never get back together." And then a few days later he says, "things are working out like they have to"...implying that this isn't what he wants but it is how he wants to be.

I just need to know what people think so I can figure out how to deal with this in my head. Either he is telling the truth and I need to just drop him. Or he is pulling the same shit as the 2 times before and we will get back together sometime and I just need to be patient and trust that.

What do you think?

[MissAnn]

It can be really, really hard to get over a first love. Realizing that just because you care for someone, and they care for you, does not mean it will work out is kind of earth shattering (or maybe I just watched too many romantic movies as a kid). However, I think you need to ask yourself if you still want to be with someone who keeps dropping you whenever he has to deal with something stressful.

Obviously I don't know him. I have NO idea if he means it this time or not. My advice would be to stop worrying about his behavior, and start looking at what makes you happy. You have been together since you were basically kids so I am sure it is very painful to move on, but healthy relationships don't involve repeated break-ups.

AND, it is up to you, but I would recommend not going along with the whole "friend" thing. It will prevent you from moving on and allow him to keep you in his life without any commitment or effort on his part.

[girl68]

It's obvious he doesn't know what he wants. But I think deep down both of you know that forever is very, very unlikely. And as of late these thoughts have been running in his head. I think you need to treat this like a real breakup. He probably wants to have a little bit of college fun, you should too.

[Incognito]

There are a number of things that highlight the fact that the end of this relationship will be better for you (maybe even both of you). First, I only know one couple who got together young an "made it". Although their relationship isn't that great now. Most relationships that start young are doomed to fail because neither person has had enough life experience, and both usually have to "find" their true selves to some extent. Second, you say that this has happened before. Twice, as a matter of fact. That isn't good, obviously. Either he cannot handle pressure/stress or he has taken those two other events and tried to purposely use them as opportunities to break up. In both cases you don't need to be in a relationship with this guy if he ditches the relationship whenever something comes up. Lastly, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go for the whole "I want us to stay friends" bit. MissAnn hit the nail on the head. All that will mean for you is lack of closure on this failing/failed relationship while he moves on. He will treat you as a friend (and even that is debatable) until he wants to fu*k you or until he dates/fu*ks around and returns to you later. Don't settle for that. Stay broken up, and let him go to his next school. You should spend some time single, hanging out with friends. Do things that you couldn't do while you were in a relationship. I'll further say that even if you meet someone soon who genuinely seems nice or "right", don't date them for a few months just so you can be single for a bit and get over this guy.