I'm confused about a girl...

[olly]

I met a girl at work, We live in Wales, (in a separate department, not the same office) she’s 20, I’m 23, about 18 months ago, we just got on straight away and I kind of thought she liked me pretty early on, even a colleague has said that he could see something between us and he always thought we liked each other..she would ask me questions like..how come I wasn't seeing anyone, because I seemed really confident, something I've never thought of myself! I replied I was shy, which she didn’t believe! She didn’t think I’d have any problems with girls, Ironic, I know. She would ask me about my family etc, she seemed to really want to get to know me amongst other things, like she'd always look at me and smile and come and talk to me etc, but she was with someone at the time so out of respect I kept a distance in that sense to maintain a friendship with her even though I really liked her. She would also say things to me like she wasn't sure about her and the boyfriend together, and as the time passed we got on better and better. About a year on she and her boyfriend were having trouble because they were not seeing each other that much as she'd moved away for 3 months as part of her job where we worked, we still kept in touch often though and she rang me one evening, we were just talking and in mid conversation she threw in "me and him might be splitting up" which I tried to move past as I didn't want to get involved but then she said "didn't you hear whatI just said!" I kind of thought then she might like me, so I tried to help her with it but she kept refusing my advice, then about a week later she told me they'd split.I thought I'd give her time as they had just split up and I knew she'd be returning home in a few weeks and I had every intention to ask her out but I thought I'd let her settle back in and given it was only a few weeks since she'd split up with her boyfriend, I thought I’d give it maybe a week or two as I didn’t want to jump in right away and ask her, after a long relationship you normally need a bit of time. On her coming back I was the first person she got in touch with, asking to meet up, which I did and we had a laugh as usual, then she asked me to meet her friends after, which I could’t do as I had to pick my nephew up from my sisters, but I text her saying we should do it again and she replied yes..I thought things were working out, so a few days later I text her asking if she’d like to do something, which she didn’t reply too, I thought fine, I wont push anything..A few days later, I saw her in the caffe area sat next to another guy who’s turned out to be her new boyfriend, and she saw that I saw, and she just gave me a look. After that things got a bit quiet between us, we’d still talk but not as much, so all I could do was hold back again...anyway a few months passed, I asked if things were serious with her bf and she shrugged her shoulders and said didn’t know as she thought the last onewas serious, which I thought was a strange thing to say. In the end I told her how I felt about her, she said she was surprised that I liked her but she was seeing someone...so a week later I pulled her up and apologized if I made her uncomfortable, just I’d of regretted not saying anything, she asked why I would of regretted it, and I said because I’d of never known...then she replied...”I can’t say anything to you can I? It is what it is” I have no idea what that meant and again she gave me a strange look and then told me her and her boyfriend had booked a holiday and gave me another look, which threw me a bit given they’d only been together 4-5months and she didn’t know if it was serious! Since I told her I liked her, things have gotten quieter between us, she isn’t avoiding me as such, she’ll still wave to me, and we still talk a bit but not like we used to and I’m not going to force her into talking to me, it’s up to her

My friend at work said he’s pretty sure she likes me or at least did given the evidence, like her wanting to meet up with me on her coming back and some of the things she’s said to me and the looks etc and he thinks the new boyfriend was a rebound that she’s got stuck with given they’re going on holiday together, but both ofus don’t know why she just didn’t say we should be friends instead of saying she couldn’t say anything to me, because “it is what it is”, like not wanting to deaw a line under us. I just don’t know what to think, Maybe she never liked me, maybe she did or still does..and I can’t get my head around her being quiet with me, wether she is ignoring her feelings for me or what, I respect she’s with someone now, just if I had my chance, I don’t know where it was! And in May, she’s moving awayagain for work for 3 months.

I do want to add that she is honestly a really lovely girl, she isn’t an attention seeker or anything, she’s very kind and sweet, it’s why I like her.

Sorry it’s long. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks. Olly.

[smackie9]

Keep cool and let her play around with this new guy....rebound guy is a real possibility and you sure don't want to be that guy. I wouldn't sit around and wait for something that might happen. You need to get off your ass and date other girls. If she comes around looking to date you in the next while then fine, but for now don't put your life on hold for her.

[olly]

I appreciate the quick reply! I don't intend to put my life on hold, I really like her and it sucks that she got with someone so soon. I hope you right about the rebound, but booking a holiday is a little serious and soon for a rebound, do you not think?

Cheers, Olly.

[smackie9]

You can pick at this all you want, I have a feeling with all what has happened, you are friend zoned. That's why I say don't sit around and wait. You had plenty of chances to get at her.....sometimes being a perfect gentleman plays against you in situations like this. Girls like an assertive guy, to be confident and take the lead....all you did was make excuses.

[olly]

I didn't make excuses, she's always had a boyfriend, where was any chance? There wasn't and isn't a whole lot I could have done, surely? When she was telling me she wasn't sure about her boyfriend or when they were thinking of breaking up, I can't say "leave him, get with me", that's the wrong move. I think she's always thought of me as confident and assertive, i'm not clingy and won't beg a girl to leave her boyfriend, I'll respect she's with someone, but after what I've written, you don't think anything is there? Sometimes you can just tell when someone looks at you, and my friend thinks the same. I've been in the "friend zone" (which is a term I hate) and this doesn't feel like that at all to me.

Cheers.

[smackie9]

Excuse #1," she's always had a boyfriend, where was any chance?" #2 "I thought I’d give it maybe a week or two as I didn’t want to jump in right away".

Dude she was laying hints all over the place, like "She didn’t think I’d have any problems with girls" or "she asked questions like..how come I wasn't seeing anyone" or "She would also say things to me like she wasn't sure about her and the boyfriend together".

She was serving herself on a silver platter to you. She is not married, she is fair game and she was hinting that to you. She was pushing for you to make a move big time. She was priming you.

Things got quiet because you didn't make a confident move. Too nice, too respectful, unfortunately fails with the ladies. So how has this worked for you so far? Not so good eh? Girls want to be desired, she wanted you to step right in and be that guy to sweep her off her feet. Next time just go for it.

RE: "friends zone" Of course it didn't feel like it this time, SHE did want you......you missed your chance, now you just put yourself there for not making a move.

[smackie9]

Saying that, this isn't the kind of girl you should be interested in. She was laying hints and showing such interest in you, even though she was already in a relationship. That's the first red flag. Then she proceeds to not wait and immediately after she breaks up with her BF has already found someone else which lead me to believe she was working on you, and who knows how many other guys....another red flag. She's not such a nice girl after all is she? Maybe it was for the better....you may have found yourself in her ex BF's shoes.

[olly]

Thanks again for getting back to me, I understand what you are saying, and it is a difficult position...but you can't just go around trying to steal girls from their boyfriends! I was always told by my parents to be respectful, and I'll never change that, but I'm also not the type to chase a girl like a lost puppy! She is actually quite shy and one of the most caring people I've met, I can honestly say she isn't the type to mess guys around, if she is she deserves an Oscar! I think we both like each other, but I'm going to just take a step backand hope she comes to me, but I'm also not going to wait as you said earlier but I don't see another option given she's going on holiday in a few weeks.

Thanks again, you've been very to the point, but helpful and I appreciate that. It's nice to get another point of view. Any more advice would be appreciated.

Cheers, Olly.

[olly]

Also, do you think there is a chance she could still have feelings for me?