Struggling after a break up from a long-term relationship

[dominic]

Hi all, have been single now for almost 4 weeks and was looking for some advice or help from people. Me and the ex went out for almost 20 months and we especially at the start had a fantastic time, we loved each other dearly and life was great. Things started to go downhill, for whatever reason about 4 or 5 months into the relationship, though not drastically by any means, we were still having some great times. However it got to February this year and I split up with her because I didn't think she was the one for me. After a week of being apart I realised I wanted to be with her and after some thought she took me back and we continued on. However we still had our ups and downs as well as having those fantastic times together. Finally it got to four weeks ago and we had had a very bad spell of going up and down and I think it finally got to both of us mentally, and we were worn out so we have gone our separate ways. I have tried to be amicable about things with her saying maybe we can't be friend now but perhaps in the future. She has been on a date or two recently with another guy and it has been very painful for me to imagine her with another guy. I perhaps stupidly put as my facebook status oh dear and she asked what it was about. I said its me thinking about you with another guy that makes me feel sad. She replied, don't know why you are sad because you never wanted me for those 20 months, I (her) was just there to stop you being lonely, it was all about you. All of which was completely not true but I didn't want to get in a long drawn out argument with her. One of my friends says that she is far from being over me and that she is looking for a rebound relationship. Right, onto the main point of my discussion. When we were first apart things really hurt, then after a week, it sort of felt like a realise and that life was gonna be good from here on in and that splitting up was the best thing to do. The last week has been awful and has got worse day by day. Nearly every waking moment I have thought about her and I have been beating myself up for what has happened. Part of me thinks, I really could have done much more to work things out and stop the ups and downs happening. I am not sure getting back with her is the right thing, just wanted to know if the stages I am going through are normal, or if actually I am coming to my senses that I have lost a beautiful thing that could well have worked, or am I beating myself up too much. I probably haven't got all my thoughts written down here but thats it for now

[lhn]

Confusion is all part & parcel of a breakup. Tbh, she is doing exactly what a 'dumpee' should. She is getting on with her life, moving on and showing you that she can cope and isn't reliant on you. She is going exactly what should be done to get back with someone.

If she was hassling you to get back together then you wouldn't miss her and wouldn't be thinking these things. You, my friend, should think if you want to give it another chance because imo she is willing so long as you're serious.

Ofcourse I could be completely out the ballpark here and you could get shot down.

Everything you're thinking is normal though. You'll analyse everything for a while. You just need to step-up and decide what you want. Have you already tried enough times already?? do u love her?? could it actually work??
Only you know the answers.

[dominic]

Yeah I do understand why she is trying to move, I guess I am still in a bit of shock its so soon after we broke up and maybe it hurts me that she is able to do that. What I will say is that I am not looking to get back with her for the moment, if at all, I am just missing her a lot and am using this period to take stock of what I did wrong and how I can learn from this. Just was wondering if what I am feeling is normal, going from feeling awful to good to feeling awful again. Tbh I have prob tried enough already with her and I won't know my true feelings for her until I have been in another relationship I guess. If I can't move on then maybe she was the one and I will have a hell of a lot of making up to do, which in all honesty is not possible, after splitting up twice, it would take a hell of a lot of work. As I say I will try and use this period to take stock of things and see where I am as a person. Thanks for your post Ihn, I do appreciate it and your honesty in it

[cmacattack1]

It really sounds like you guys were getting prepared for a cycle of breaking up and getting back together and nothing has or will change. You need this time to be apart and on your own and really figure out what and where things went wrong like you said. This almost always happens when you drop somebody and you don't have another thing lined up: you get lonely, start to miss her and then want her back? Took you a week? That's longer than most.

One of the biggest things you worry about is that she isn't thinking about you, and it's simply not true. Her being with this other guy makes you feel like the clock is ticking, but all you can really do is wait it out because the more you try right now the more you will probably push her into this guy's arms. You already told you want to make it work, she already knows you care, all you can do is put this on the backburner for right now.

Multiple break ups can really hurt your chances. It hasn't been long enough to personally change and she won't be fooled by these attempts this soon. If it was a year, that would be one thing, but a month after?

I hate that it's so easy for girls to get another guy.

[lahnnabell]

It may seem soon to you, yes. But after personally having been through several serious break-ups now, the best remedy I found is to get out as soon as possible. After my recent ex and I split, I started going out and flirting with guys 2 weeks later. This didn't mean I didn't love my ex still, but I refused to torture myself over someone who burned me so badly.

She is going through emotional turmoil over the break-up, but as lhn said, she's independently trying to move on. She doesn't want a crutch; she wants to be self-sufficient. She wants to remind herself that she is a desirable female by going out and having fun.

If you're serious about wanting her back, then go for it. I suggest you do some hardcore thinking before you make a decision though.