distance

[ladyofevilness]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a few months. We are really close and have been angry at each other less times than you can count on one hand. We have been discussing marriage and children recently quite frequently. Even gone as far as picking out names. Recently my boyfriend accidentally dropped my laptop and broke the screen chasing after our cat(we do not live together the cat lives with me but we both take care of it and pay for it's needs, he does sleep over 1-2 nights a week) the laptop had months eailer gotten soda spilled in it while i was using it also my said cat on accident,making it laptop have a new non functioning keys yet, but still working. The problem is ever since he dropped the laptop he's been feeling guilty and responsible, even trying to find a used one to replace it. I repeatedly tell him he cant afford to replace it, because he's paying out of pocket for college, on top of bill etc. he hasn't tried to replace it again but he been acting really distant. He forgets little things like calling me before bed, which is a tradition we have been doing since we first started dating, also not actively initiating sex(its been a week since he started being distant), I talked to him today about it and he didnt say much, but to confirm that he does felt guilty and responsible, but he doesnt feel distant, but said if i say he is then he is, which just triggered me to question the entire situation. He just seems off. He still tells me he loves me when i tell him, he still kisses me, and hugs me, and comes to sleep over, but hes just distant. any advice for my weird gut felling?

[Incognito]

Ok... Assuming that this story is true I seriously doubt that it has anything to do with the broken computer. Is he perhaps freaked out that you two have been discussing two really heavy topics lately (marriage and kids)? Sometimes the mention of marriage is enough to make a guy question whether he is ready to have his life on a set course. Kids is another, and you've been discussing both even going as far as picking names. How old is he?

[devonbrown]

To me, I think it isn't the computer per se, but what the computer represents. Maybe he feels strong about the gender roles in relationships and thinks as a man he should be able to take care of you. You pointing out that he can't do it might be hitting his ego hard. This might in turn be questioning whether he is good enough for you, etc. (If he hasn't been initiating sex either that is another hint that maybe his male ego is bruised.)
Since you know him better than us (obviously), think about that. If you think it is possible, maybe bring the computer up again and ask him if he could help you with it. Then tell him you want to talk about it as a couple and how you both can work on getting it fixed/replaced. Let him know that you don't blame him for dropping it, that it had problems beforehand, etc. But you want to move forward together with him and maybe you both could figure out a solution.

Good luck.

[Incognito]

^^^ Good point, I hadn't thought of that. If that is the issue though it makes me wonder what other ego issues he'll have in the future when [real] problems arise.

[ladyofevilness]

First off thanks Devon, that is really good advice. I have never thought it could be his ego being hurt, but it does make a lot of sense and fit the bill in this case. I think it might also have to do with some issues he's having at home currently, that he isn't really dealing with, nothing major just stress. He's never shows any real ego issues before but I guess with stress from other things in his life it really fits.

Secondly to Incognito, the story is true, I have no reason to lie about any of this I am just an honest person seeking help. To answer your question my boyfriend is 25, and the kids and marriage topics were both started by him. From day one of dating me has been telling me he is ready to find a long term girlfriend, because he wants to settle down and have kids. To be honest it was a little over whelming for me at first knowing he had such high hopes for the relationship. I know its more common for the female in the relationship to be that way but in my case it's not. He is a very unique man, I think it all has something to do with him having a very strong mother figure in his life and a passive father figure. It's also hard to read him or sometimes know whats going on with him because hes a psych grad. But that's off topic.

[devonbrown]

If he has a strong mother figure and a passive father figure, that could also tie into his reflection of ego issues in this manner. And I agree with Incognito that this could just be the beginning of other ego issues going forward.

Let us know what happens, ladyofevilness.