Confusing relationship with ex bf..help!!

[Kealy]

I posted here before about my break up which happened 5 months ago now. My story is here for reference: [url]http://www.loveforum.net/threads/60059-Are-we-getting-back-together-Need-help[/url]!

I want to try to be really short with this, but basically my ex and I still text each other every day, several times a day. We see each other about once a fortnight ish. When we meet there is no kissing or sex or anything, but we hold hands and cuddle. I want him back so badly, but he says he does not want to be in a relationship at the moment with anyone and has been honest in saying that he just wants time for himself. He says he still loves me very much and says he is not at all interested in being with anyone else. I told him that if he ever wants to be with someone else then I can't be in touch with him anymore and he understands and says it's not something to worry about as he doesn't want to be. He said if he wanted to be with anyone it would be me. We were together for 2 years. I love him so much and just don't know if I am doing the right thing. He doesn't ever want to speak to me on the phone, even though we still see each other sometimes, and text loads every day!!! It's so confusing! What should I do??

[Wakeup]

This is what I told you in your other thread and that advice still applies. The bolded part is important.

What? He never invited you to stay with him either?
So what happens if you get back with him? Do you spend the rest of your lives living apart? Separate bedrooms from the get go? He has some intimacy issues that he hasn't cared to get help for or, he just doens't want anything more with you then what he was getting. You were'nt happy with that so why would you want to settle for it? In a bit of time you'd be right back where you were where you were fed up with him not progressing the relationship once again and you'd have to go through all these awful feelings all over again. Why would you want to keep doing that. He won't compromise so it means you have to concede and you're not happy with what you'd be conceding to.

Leave him alone, don't contact him anymore, I think he's just slowly fading away hoping you'll learn to adjust without him. If he loved you and wanted to be with you the way you want him to be then he'd be seeing you more, pursuing you more and you'd be happy and content. You're not anywhere near happy and content and you wouldn't be if you got back together with him with nothing having changed.

That's the truth of the matter. Read the replies you've gotten so far and logically think it through.

I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you thought they would but you should really go no contact with him, allow yourself to grieve the end of your relationship, keep busy, join classes, co-ed sports teams, join a hobby group, read up on self-improvement and you'll soon enough be ready to meet someone new who will appreciate who he has in front of him.

You're in limbo and you grieve in between him allowing you the pleasure of his company when it suits HIM. Why do you do that to yourself?

[Kealy]

I know you are probably right but it is so so hard to not be in contact with him especially as I have so much hope that he will decide he wants me again. I feel that I am probably prolonging more inevitable pain because if we are not going to be together, there is going to have to come a day when enough is enough and we will have to part ways, but it is so hard. I feel like it's almost impossible for me to cut him out of my life, I love him so much. But of course I hate that he doesn't want me and it hurts when we are together and holding his hand knowing he is not my boyfriend anymore..gaaah!!

[Wakeup]

I know you are probably right but it is so so hard to not be in contact with him especially as I have so much hope that he will decide he wants me again.

He's given you NOTHING to make you continue on hoping? You're just afraid to be without him and by being afraid, you are stagnating your life to suit him.. he who does nothing to give you reason for this hope you have.

Tell him this:

I feel like it's almost impossible for me to cut him out of my life, I love him so much. But of course I hate that he doesn't want me and it hurts when we are together and holding his hand knowing he is not my boyfriend anymore..

and then tell him that you can't do it anymore and you'll not do it anymore because it's wasting your life.. Then tell him that he knows how to reach you if he feels he wants to be your partner again but you will be moving on in the meantime and you'll not be contacting him again. THEN: You need to do the hard work of learning from this relationship what it was meant to teach you, letting go and accepting that he was not meant to be your life partner and doing things to help you get over him in time (as mentioned in the quote).

Read The Five Stages of Grief. It will help you to understand and give you clarity and reassurance that you will not always feel this pain of loss.

You hurt daily from his indifference and mixed signals why, because you love him more than yourself so you put up with daily pain just to hold his fking hand while he graces you with a bit of his company. Really?

[Kealy]

I think I know this deep down but it is the doing something about it part that I'm struggling with. With regards to hope, he has said that he doesn't want me out of his life and he may want to get back together if we continue to get on well and become re-aquainted. I'm not an idiot..I know it's bullshit but love is making me so blind to all that. I know what I would tell my friends to do. I'm making plans to go travelling towards the end of the year so I am not allowing him to put my life on hold, but I just don't want to still be pining for him in 7 or 8 months time, and I know I will be if I continue this way.

We had only about 2 weeks of no contact since august, and ugghhh...it was the worst time of my life, constant crying, anxiety, serious depression. I just don't want to go back to that. I know I have to but being in touch with him sort of numbs the pain a bit cos I don't miss him so much. Just venting...

[Wakeup]

So... he holds ALL the power in your quasi-relationship. How sad for you. Oh, well you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. I hope for your sake he doesn't keep you dangling until he finds someone else and then just starts the fade on you until he's gone for good.

[smackie9]

There is no relationship to be had with this, so stop it. You need to realize that as soon as he does find someone he wants to be with, you get ditched anyways. Time to cut this crap out and move on with your life.

[Kealy]

But he has told me he still feels committed to me and that he will not see anyone else as he is just not interested. Of course if he was going out with other girls I would have to stop this, but I know he's not. I know he wouldn't do that to me. I trust him. It's just so hard having him tell me almost every day how much he loves me. It would be easier if he just said he doesn't want me anymore, even though it would hurt. Some friends say that since I did the initial 'dumping' that he has every right to behave like this. And that I can't expect him to just want me back. What do you think?

[searock]

Why doesn't he want to get back together with you? Is it because he doesn't feel like he trusts you completely anymore, after you broke up with him? Or is he unsure about his feelings for you?

Do you want to get back together with him? If so, I think you should tell him clearly. Ask him if he agrees and if he doesn't, I suggest you go no contact with him. There's no point in living in this limbo any longer.

[Kealy]

Why doesn't he want to get back together with you? Is it because he doesn't feel like he trusts you completely anymore, after you broke up with him? Or is he unsure about his feelings for you?

He says he wants time for himself and doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. Initially we broke up for a few reasons, like he never wanted to stay over at my house and we were arguing a bit towards the end. But I broke up with him during a fight and didn't really want it to happen. But now he says he thinks it's what we needed to happen. He says he hasn't lost his feelings for me and says he still loves me more than he has ever loved anyone. I do want to get back together with him and somehow I think if he keeps seeing me he will want me again. It's so pathetic. I hate being this way.

[searock]

Then tell him that unless you get back together you think it's best to go no contact, at least until you both get over your ex-relationship. It's really the only solution, believe me it may seem impossibly difficult right now but it will get much better the longer you stay no contact with him. What you have now is unhealthy and pointless, it's only making you feel miserable. This situation could and should be avoided.

[smackie9]

Then tell him that unless you get back together you think it's best to go no contact, at least until you both get over your ex-relationship. It's really the only solution, believe me it may seem impossibly difficult right now but it will get much better the longer you stay no contact with him. What you have now is unhealthy and pointless, it's only making you feel miserable. This situation could and should be avoided.

Ya I agree with this....why should he have all the control?. It should be all or nothing, period. No contact will make him make his decision about you a little quicker trust me.

[bcgirl]

you need to go NO CONTACT with him! Plain and simple.

[Wakeup]

As I said before, as long as he gets you the way he's getting you, he will not make a decision. You're not happy with the way things are so you need to be strong and take action. Let him go. If he was meant to be your life partner he will come and get you. If he was not, you will be able to eventually get over the end of this relationship and you'll be a sronger person for it as you'll have learned when to tell someone who doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated to **** off instead of stringing it out the way you're currently doing now while you be miserable and used for your company when it suits him only.

Seriously: Stop looking at this with the smoke and mirrors you put up and logic it out. Re-read this thread and let it all sink in. If you can't do what we've suggested then learn to accept the crumbs he allows you without pining away for him in between him gracing you with holding your hand. (you don't get to do both and ignore advice, thats just crazy making)

The dude is a dud. If he won't give you what you want then why do you want him so? You're just afraid to be alone ~ that is something you need to be okay with (being alone) if you ever want to have equal power in ANY relationship.

[Kealy]

As I said before, as long as he gets you the way he's getting you, he will not make a decision. You're not happy with the way things are so you need to be strong and take action. Let him go. If he was meant to be your life partner he will come and get you. If he was not, you will be able to eventually get over the end of this relationship and you'll be a sronger person for it as you'll have learned when to tell someone who doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated to **** off instead of stringing it out the way you're currently doing now while you be miserable and used for your company when it suits him only.

Seriously: Stop looking at this with the smoke and mirrors you put up and logic it out. Re-read this thread and let it all sink in. If you can't do what we've suggested then learn to accept the crumbs he allows you without pining away for him in between him gracing you with holding your hand. (you don't get to do both and ignore advice, thats just crazy making)

The dude is a dud. If he won't give you what you want then why do you want him so? You're just afraid to be alone ~ that is something you need to be okay with (being alone) if you ever want to have equal power in ANY relationship.

I understand. I am crying now because I know what I need to do but I am so scared of him being gone forever. I love him so much. I will be so depressed with no contact and just want to have him in my life. I tried it before and it was so so hard. I text him to say can we talk please, and he replied saying not tonight as he is going away for work tomorrow and doesn't want to get upset, which one of us always does when we talk on the phone. I'm trying to build up the strength to just say what you have all said but I can't do it