Can you *learn* to love someone?

[lalalita]

Say, they are a great catch. Everything you want on paper. Would make a fabulous long term partner and has the same desires for the future as you. You enjoy their company and sexual intimacy, but you just don't feel that spark. Do you think it is possible to learn to love someone? Or, do you think if you don't feel it within a certain amount of time, that you never will?

There are many cultures who believe in arranged marriages, where couples many decades down the line say they "learned to love" their partner and are quite happy.

Would you be with someone who you know is good for you, letting feeling develop with time?

(I'm speaking hypothetically here)

[horndog]

if it is the relationship that was meant to be for you then there should be no learning curve.

[xrobotlove]

I tried to do that and went as far as getting engaged with the person. The lack of true love made all of those "perfect catch" qualities turn sour. By the end I loathed sex with him and couldn't stand anything about him (the way he chewed, the way he breathed, his possessiveness etc.) Not only that but resentment can often occur when one or both partners secretly thinks they can do better or be with a better match. I'm sure it's possible to "learn" to love someone, but more often than not it just gets ugly. The other issue is what happened in my case; someday you might meet someone where there IS that natural true love. I had to break my ex-fiancé's heart after two and a half years because I met my soul mate and realized I could no longer live a lie. I'm still with that person and now I just can't believe I was planning on marrying ANYONE else, let alone someone I didn't love. I have a lot of guilt for leading that other guy on through a 2.5 year relationship and wish I had ended it long ago when I realized I didn't love him. Instead we lived together, had a cat together, had mutual finances etc... The breakup was overdue and therefore pretty messy. So I'd say it isn't a good idea, but that's just my biased opinion reflecting my personal experience.

[TablesandChairs]

I think you can learn to love them, yes - if they're good to you and a good person in general...love will come. But you'll never be 'in' love with them, I don't think.

[HeartIsAching]

Say, they are a great catch. Everything you want on paper. Would make a fabulous long term partner and has the same desires for the future as you. You enjoy their company and sexual intimacy, but you just don't feel that spark. Do you think it is possible to learn to love someone? Or, do you think if you don't feel it within a certain amount of time, that you never will?

There are many cultures who believe in arranged marriages, where couples many decades down the line say they "learned to love" their partner and are quite happy.

Would you be with someone who you know is good for you, letting feeling develop with time?

(I'm speaking hypothetically here)

That "spark" isn't love, it's infatuation. It's quite possible to love without being infatuated. I love my wife to pieces. Would cheerfully watch the light die in a rapists eyes, with my hands around his throat if he hurt her... but I don't get butterflies in my stomach anymore when I look at her. I get other feelings - joyous adoration. Awe. Affection. Affirmation. Tenderness. Warmth. Desire.

I would do awful things to keep her safe, yet I couldn't bear to try and cage her, couldn't even try to limit her. If she wants to go ride her bicycle in a thunderstorm, it's her business. I do try to coach her on situational awareness however; she's too good-hearted for her own good and believes the best of people.

[LifeInflux]

I once met a man in a hot tub who told me, "You can learn to love someone who loves you." No he wasn't hitting on me.

But he did mention his relationship, where he didn't love his current wife initially, but she did love him. He spoke about how the love was there for her, and reflecting that feeling was something he was able to do, and he married that woman.


I think in that way, it is possible, but love for me has to be more organic. Talking to someone I love in that way, and being around them is a different feeling, and its a different connection. I can't make that connection with just anybody. Just like with friendships, we can be nice and friendly to everyone, but we may only truly want to spend time with a handful of close friends.

[dem862]

Love is simply an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. So, yes, it can develop over time and actually time may be a necessary element. I believe some people cannot feel love to the same level as other people, or even not at all. I also believe it is possible to learn to NOT love someone (using the definition of learn where repeated behavior results in prioritized neural pathways in the brain). Emotions and cognitive behavior occur in different parts of the brain, however, in general, in a properly functioning brain, cognitive function can filter and transform emotions, otherwise we would be blithering idiots, and unfortunately many people still are.

[michelle23]

Love does develop over time. There is no such thing as love at first site. It takes time for the emotional attachment to grow. Maybe you are confusing love for infatuation or attraction. It is possible to love someone deeply but not be physically attracted to them which takes its toll on a relationship over time. Infatuation is that initial "spark" many people do not go through a stage of infatuation which can be a good thing. I personally try to keep a clear head on my shoulders during the first 3 months of a relationship to ensure I am not ignoring any red flags or warning signs and I do not allow myself to become all infatuated and obsessed with someone I barely no..

[Wakeup]

Worth repeating HIA's statement:

That "spark" isn't love, it's infatuation.

You people who have this "Love but not in love" mentalitly are really going to find it hard to maintain a long lasting relationship if you don't get that shit out of your heads.

[searock]

Worth repeating HIA's statement:
You people who have this "Love but not in love" mentalitly are really going to find it hard to maintain a long lasting relationship if you don't get that shit out of your heads.

I actually think there are 3 stages: "the spark", which is infatuation (the whole butterflies in the stomach thing), "being in love", which is loving someone romantically, and "love", which is loving someone non-romantically.

The difference between infatuation and being in love is that when you are infatuated with someone you generally don't know them very well, you feel anxious/exhilarated whenever you see them or even just at the thought of seeing them, your heart beats faster and stronger and you feel "the butterflies", you may have trouble falling asleep at night because you can't stop thinking about them, just hearing them say your name can make your heart skip a beat, etc. All this doesn't happen once you get past the infatuation period of a relationship (if you ever do get in a relationship with them - otherwise it can last for longer). In order to be in love with someone you need to know a person extremely well, you need to have amazing communication and have to be emotionally intimate with each other. This rarely happens outside of a long-term relationship, but there are cases in which it does (close "friendships" that eventually turn into long-term relationships).

The difference between "love" and "being in love" to me is that if you love someone you care for them, want them to be happy, are happy that they are part of your life, enjoy spending determined amounts of time with them, etc. You may also be sexually attracted to them, but it's not a necessary condition. When you are in love with someone, you love them, and you are also are sexually attracted to them, you feel content and satisfied at the thought of being with them, you respect and admire them and feel lucky for being with them, being in a relationship with them seems like the most "right" thing that could happen, seeing them can make your day, you want to spend your life with them and grow old together, etc.

I think that you cannot learn to feel infatuated, and that you need to love someone and to be infatuated with them, in order to eventually reach the "in love" stage. You can, on the other hand, "learn" to love someone you didn't love before (happens all the time with friends and some lovers).

[trevor]

i only love girls after sleepin with her

i tell them anything dey want 2 hear so at the end of nite i'm ****in them lol

[dem862]

The difference between "love" and "being in love" to me is that if you love someone you care for them, want them to be happy, are happy that they are part of your life, enjoy spending determined amounts of time with them, etc. You may also be sexually attracted to them, but it's not a necessary condition. When you are in love with someone, you love them, and you are also are sexually attracted to them, you feel content and satisfied at the thought of being with them, you respect and admire them and feel lucky for being with them, being in a relationship with them seems like the most "right" thing that could happen, seeing them can make your day, you want to spend your life with them and grow old together, etc.

Ok, this sounds reasonable. But, to be in a relationship with someone, it is enough to "love" them, or do you have to be "in love" with them. Because I can "love" a lot more people that I will ever be "in love" with.

[searock]

Ok, this sounds reasonable. But, to be in a relationship with someone, it is enough to "love" them, or do you have to be "in love" with them. Because I can "love" a lot more people that I will ever be "in love" with.

You can be in a relationship with someone you love but are not in love with, the problem is that you probably would always feel like something is amiss, not quite entirely right, and eventually you would probably try to find someone else to actually be in love with. I guess it depends on whether you are able to feel satisfied with just loving someone as opposed to being in love with them (using my definitions of the terms).

Personally, I know I wouldn't be satisfied with just loving my partner. I could put up with it if we had small kids together or something (I hope this never happens to me - having kids with someone I'm not in love with), but it is definitely not something I would settle for if given the choice.

[michelle23]

"I love you but I am not in love with you"

In other words: "I have met someone else who has sparked butterflies in my stomach-it makes me feel great so goodbye" Then they are back within 6 months saying "I thought I loved her but your the only one I have ever loved or ever will really love"

F**king idiots...

My advice: stop thinking the grass is greener. Put that energy into the person you committed to and dont give up as soon as things get a little boring. Your life was boring sometimes before you met this person-working every day, studying hard, eat, work, sleep, work, eat, go for a few drinks, eat, sleep, work.. Why should being in a relationship all of a sudden make your s**tty boring life exciting. Same routine, same s**t, different day with a new person to share it with.. You cant expect it to be all roses and flowers all the time. Its not supposed to always be easy.. Stop watching stupid films like twilight and they maybe you may actually appreciate what you have

Stop confusing love with infatuation. There is a big difference. Love is real, infatuation is a fantasy and many people who have the real thing crave the fantasy.. people who have nothing crave the real thing or people who are infatuated crave the real thing. Always wanting what you dont yet have.. Its a bit ridiculous really. I blame the media and bollox disney films.. You dont realize what you have got till its gone. Stop taking people for granted. Love is a two way street and in order to really love someone you cant just give them a piece of you at a time-you have to be committed fully in every way

[Wakeup]

There is plantonic love and romantic love. Neither are the state of being "in love" What I'm saying is that far too many people mistake lust as being "in love." Infatuation as being "in love" and when that lust/infatuation wanes they then think they simply "love them but aren't in love" That's the nonsense I'm referring to.