Trust Issues

[onesentinel]

I am looking for a female perspective on a few things but they are all related to the trust issue. In order to get a valid prospective I need to give you a bit of my history. I was married and cheated on my wife for a number of years. The reasons are not important b/c I am not defending my actions. The fact is I did it.

Since we separated I have been playing the field looking for someone to connect with. I found one and had a 2 month monogamous and committed relationship with but she was transferred for work. A few months went by and I met someone online and we clicked. She would not meet me for almost 2 months of chatting online. She was upfront about getting involved with someone that had kids and was not divorced yet. It was her "worst nightmare". She was upfront about being cheated on and lied to in a former relationship and how she had trust issues from this and her father leaving when she was very young. I was upfront about my past right from the start. I never held back. I wanted to be honest with her about everything.

We started dating. She is a Type A and I am Type B. We also have different communication styles - she is articulate and aggressive in her speech where I sit back and listen to the entire sentence and then speak what's on my mind. We have had lots of problems. I am habitually late and she is always early. Being late was a sign of disrespect to her so now I am not late.

She was also very concerned about the amount of time I spend around my ex when I pick up my kids. No joint activities other than birthdays and special events were allowed (my kids are 4 and 2). The reason I mention this is that she does not worry about the time I spend around my ex since she offered to call my new girlfriend to make sure she new there was "no way in hell she was taking me back" (FYI - no I didnt want to go back).

To help alleviate any mistrust I have given her access to check my phone and email for "suspicious" activity. She also double checks my stories to make sure I am not lying to her. I have told her I am being transparent in an attempt to build trust. I have even half-jokingly offered to get a GPS tracking device for myself so she can see where I am. She laughs at this but this is how serious I am about this woman.

The most recent issue and the one I am finally asking about here is regarding trust. I had been using Facebook as a way for family-only to see pics of my kids. When starting dating this woman I realized I had cut off a huge group of friends. I told her I was going to try to reconnect with them. And I have been. I have not added anyone on there I had met after meeting my ex so most of the people are from a minimum of 15 years ago.

Yesterday my gf went on Facebook to show her friend what I looked like (my gf is also on my Facebook) and saw that I had 100 friends including one recently added woman who is very attractive.

She feels that I was deceptive and untruthful because I told her I was only using FB for family and close friends. She was shocked and hurt. My response was that I was not hiding anything. She had full access and if she would have asked who these people were I would have told her. I want her to ask first before thinking the worst.

So my question (if you are still with me) is should I have told her every time a woman added me to facebook or vise versa? On one hand I feel like I cant even look at a woman without getting the 5th degree but on the other hand I am in love with this woman and maybe I am out of line. I have offered to pay for us to go to counseling to try to work this out. I am willing to do what it will take to make this relationship work but how much ownership do I have in this?

Thanks in advance.

[Yggdrasil]

And why would you hook up with someone who is that distrusting?

Are you doing some kind of redemption thing for your past behaviour or what?

She's a darn control freak.

[vashti]

You have given her insecurity too much consideration, and now she has taken your testicles away from you. She has crossed many, many lines. Personally, I think you should have gotten rid of her the second she started placing demands on how your time is spent with with your children. (It is good for them to see their parents getting along and being civil.)

The facebook thing is just.... silly.

[little pingoin]

In reading your story, my thoughts went right along the lines of Ygg's... you've put yourself in a situation that is making you pay for cheating on your ex.

A healthy relationship has personal space. This woman's Type A personality isn't what's causing her to act this way toward you. She has some trust issues of her own that she needs to address before she should be involved with someone.

It wasn't right to cheat on your ex, but you're going to be paying for that for the rest of your life as you have to deal with your children's questions and feelings of betrayal (if your ex hasn't told them what happened yet because of their age, she will later). You don't need to pay for it with this woman too.

[onesentinel]

Thanks all for your input. I dont believe that subconsciously I am intentionally punishing myself. The strong bond was developed through humour before we even met and there was intense chemistry when we finally first met. I*know that and the fact that I could be honest with her are the reasons I have*tried to make it work. I know she has work to do and so does she. Do you think counseling will even work?

[Yggdrasil]

Thanks all for your input. I dont believe that subconsciously I am intentionally punishing myself. The strong bond was developed through humour before we even met and there was intense chemistry when we finally first met. I*know that and the fact that I could be honest with her are the reasons I have*tried to make it work. I know she has work to do and so does she. Do you think counseling will even work?

To achieve a healthy relation for the both of you? Maybe.

For yourself? Well, at least if you take the counseling sessions serious (never mind her), you may eventualy be able to hook up with a healthy partner and have a healthy relation, since the counselor will explain you the difference between healthy and unhealthy behavioural patterns.

Hope that makes sense.

[onesentinel]

so in essence you are saying its time to jump the sinking ship?

[IndiReloaded]

I think your best bet is to cool the relationship part and be 'just friends' until your divorce is final. Focus on your children, they are the most important thing.

Use the time to do some counselling as Ygg suggests. I wouldn't date anyone during this time. Once you are divorced, you can revisit dating and set some new boundaries. I agree with Vash, her behaviour isn't acceptable, but it is understandable.

You sound kinda needy to me. One of those people who can't be without someone? Are you that uncomfortable exploring those dark spaces on your own?

I don't see that you two can't eventually relax with each other. Trust is earned, not given away. She has been cheated on, you have cheated. Not an ideal match, but not impossible if you can both relax and work on your own issues.

[vashti]

Eek! Is he still married??? Oh no - you have no right to make any demands of her! Get that divorce if you want to date, buddy!