Please help....dont know what to do anymore?

[ogtripleog]

I have been married for 2 and a half years now and we have a great relationship except for one thing.....our sex life. I myself am a very sexual person, my wife not so much. At first it wasn't so bad it was at least twice a week and I dont expect her to completely change into a nympho like me. Thats not fair to her. But now it just become ridiculous. At first we talked and I was too aggressive and "bugged" her about it too much as she put it. And so I stopped being so pushy and we didn't have sex for like a month. No interest what so ever, then it was her birth control pills, so stopped taking those, no change in sex drive. I still do all the sweet things for her that I did when we were dating, random flowers, open doors, compliments, and get her anything she wants. She always tells me that she is working on it, shes been saying that for 6 months now. She doesn't like to kiss or touch in bed and that drives me crazy. She finally started to initiate more often, but as soon as we hit the bed she lays flat on her back and doesnt move, and god forbid I ask for a bj, that only happens on special occasions, and its always got to be a quickie. most girls want a guy that has some endurance in bed but after about 5 minutes she done. She has no imaginationm and is unwilling to try new things. She is attractive and I love her more than anything, thats why this is killing me so. In fact I have gotten so tired of the same old thing so much that when she asks to have sex I dont even want to. But if I say no then she thinks I dont like her and she gets all depressed, or thinks I am getting it somewhere else. I have never cheated on her nor do I have desire to. I want to be with her completely. And then the got all mad because she found some porn on my computer, im like come on give me a break. Can any one give me some insight with what is going on or what I can do to help our situation.

[Ellynn]

Yikes! I've heard of the sex life coming to a halt in a marriage. I just didn't think it would happen after 2 and a half yrs!

Did you guys have sex before marriage? And how long were you together before you got married? How was the sex life then? Just curious.

There are two theorys I have heard.

One, is that when you don't have sex before marriage and then start having sex. You find out after awhile that you both are not sexually compatible. Say, the guy is more into sex then the girl. Or vice versa. Or you both or one of you is completely clueless to what "gets you there" while having sex. I have heard of a few people who have experienced this and kinda wish they would have found out before marriage how compatible sexually they were. They end up fustrated and end up going thru a divorce etc. Even though sex isn't everything in a relationship, it definately is a big part.

Or, the other one is that you both had sex ALOT before marriage and during the beginning of it, and things have just gotten old. The both, or one of you is just bored! I've heard of this happening as well.

And we were discussing on another thread about the effects of birth control on the female libido. Then not long after we were discussing it, there was an article about it in Cosmo which states that more and more women are losing their sex drive while being on the pill. Or they lose interest due to the dryness they experience during sex which makes it VERY painful. I was actually very impressed with the article, because I myself have experienced similiar side effects. And to top it off, they even mentioned that women who went OFF the pill felt the effects for up to a yr after! That makes sense, because I have also experienced that.

So, maybe this is what the deal is with your wife. Or maybe shes afraid of having an accidental pregnancy now that shes off the pill.

YOu need to talk to her. Sit down and tell her how you feel about her. (Just like you told us.) Also explain to her that the lack of physical contact is bothering you. Maybe even suggest therapy or something. I mean, maybe she went thru something when she was younger that she relates sex to, that was not so pleasant.

Bottom line, communication about this is important! If you want to make things work, you have to talk to her about it! If she wants it to work as well, hopefully she will open up to you about it as well. Its worth a shot right?

[vashti]

How long has she been off the pill? I read that it takes more than a year for the negative effects of birth control on sex drive to diminish.

Alternately, she may be feeling that her only value to you is sex. If that is the case, she is not going to feel all that great about engaging with you.

Also, I don't know how old you are, but sex drives in men and women are mismatched anyway. Men peak in their early 20s, and women in their mid 30s.

[ogtripleog]

Shes been off the pill for over a year, but she is dry very often during sex, even after foreplay and when its obvious that she is into it. And im pretty sure that she doesnt think thats all i want from her, we've been together for over 3 years

[vashti]

I wouldn't be so sure of that if your problems center mainly on sex...

Anyway, I think it must not be very pleasant to have sex when you are not properly lubricated. Are you SURE your problem isn't technique? Because honestly, I have never heard a man say he is uncertain about this, and I have heard LOTS of women complain about it. (And yes, they fake it to get it over with faster.)