adting advice re: future want/not want kids

[geminII]

hi

ok, i am 35 and dating, looking for a future husband. i don't think i really want kids - i may change my mind, but highly doubt it. i am in the processes of getting to know a man who is great, but although he doesn't know for sure, he is leaning towards wanting kids. he knows where i stand with this. i am not sure if i even want to start something with someone who is leaning towards wanting kids, when i am leaning in the other direction, even though we are compatible in so many other ways. i don't want to invest time and emotion into something that may end in MY heartbreak - you know, in a year he says that he's been thinking about it and he REALLY wants kids, and because i probably still won't want them, he then leaves and i've wasted a whole year...i don't know what to do....anyone else been in this situation??

thanks in advance
geminII

[squirrley]

Not really~but Im 33 with a teen and know I DONT want anymore children...so maybe this is kinda the same. I know I dont want to invest time with someone who does want chilren, only because not only would I be taking that away from him, but I just dont them. Ive got 3 years to go before my son turns 18, and Im counting my days to have fun!

I think its VITAL and CRUCIAL in a beginning of a relationship to know and understand eachothers wants, needs, desires, etc. If this man wants kids and you dont there could be some serious damage to the relationship down the road. You will feel pushed, he will feel rejected, and it just snowballs! Hed end up resenting you, bla bla bla, you know the story. IMHO~If you KNOW for a fact this is what you want and know what he wants then I wouldnt invest anymore time into this relationship. How do you compromise children? You CANT. This isnt like trying to decide 2 bedroom or 3 bedroom home? Ya know? This is a serious issue and one not to be taken lightly. Granted he may come around in time and may not want children and or vice versa, but after a year and things havent changed on either of your wants or dont wants, I would get out. Just lookn down the road in the relationship there could be some serious problems. This is JUST my opinion, someone may came along and offer some totally different opinions, but its up to YOU to decide whats best for YOU!

Goodluck...this one is a tuffy!

[jslaughter]

I'm with Squirt as always!

There's no compromise on this issue - either you want kids or you don't and if your partner feels differently it's not going to work. I am at the other end of the spectrum - I cannot wait to get married and have a family but there are some nice guys out there I won't date because they are alredy done with family dreams.

Of course you put that you don't THINK you really want kids so it sounds like you may still be considering the option. You need to look at your motivation for not wanting kids and try to determine if it is something you want to make a stand on or something that just works for you right now.

Good Luck!

[geminII]

thanks for both of your advice.
i think i will see how things go with us and bring it up again at a later date before we get too attached to each other.
thanks again!

[Illusional]

why do you feel that you will never want children? raverboy

[Killerbabe]

I second that. That is so weird. She's with this awesome guy who wants kids and she wants to ruin everything because she doesn't want to have a family! Unbelievable.

[squirrley]

Uh Killa...I have to disagree with you on this one. ONLY because the guy may be Mr. wonderful, but having children is a HUGE decision for someone. And if she doesnt want them and he does, theres a MAJOR conflict and problems will be there. How do you compromise children?

I know I dont want anymore, and before I get involved or get dating with someone I'm lettng that person know, then he if wants kids, I bail out before anything gets too serious. I dont feel its right to take that away from someone, on either part.

[jslaughter]

I have alot of friends who are in their late 30's early 40's married and childless - as a COUPLE they made that decision. I see nothing wrong with it as that is jsut one important relastionship facet to be worked out.

[beeper]

Ugh I am going through the most horrible break up ever for this same situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and we are breaking up because he eventually wants kids and I do not. I have never wanted kids and he knew this. It's so hard because he is enough to make me happy forever, but I am not enough for him to be happy forever. I wish I could change my mind so that I could be with him, but I just have no maternal instincts, and never have. So I just assume I never will.

A few months ago I brought the topic up because it concerned me because he had said that he wanted to be a father someday. But he told me "I am well aware that you don't want kids and I am still here aren't I? I figured I would sacrifice having kids for you." When he said hat, I was so happy! But now he changed his mind and my heart is broken. Not broken, shattered actually. I still love him so much and even feel like I have to move just so I won't ever risk seeing him with other women. I always wanted to be married by the time I was 30, and unless a miracle happens in the next 15 months, that's not going to happen.

When I am ready to start dating again, I will NOT pursue any man who wants kids, and I WILL let it be known ON OUR FIRST DATE that I do not want kids. I will NEVER go through this bull***t again!

[Gigabitch]

Dead thread.