Why my boyfriend feels guilty

[myjenne]

I have been with the same man for 6 years now, we have been best friends since 2nd grade. Since January things seem to be going down hill. We fight allot now and only make love about once a month. He asked me what would make me happy today (me being small minded) said, could you please take out the trash from now on. He said what would make him happy is for me to stop making him feel guilty all the time. I guess I tend to say things like " I must not turn you on no more, I think our love is gone,why do you masturbate more than you make love to me". I feel like he does not love me no more, if he did love me than those things should not make him feel guilty. If he loved me he would assure me he loved me and at least kiss me or hug me or make me feel loved. What can I do to get the love back, I love him so much and could never see me with anyone else. I feel if I never kiss him or hug him that he would never do it first. HELP

[Lite]

The hardest lesson to learn when it comes to love, is to learn to accept it in the ways that your partner is willing to give and show it.

I'll address your obvious issues first.

1) Stop being passive aggressive. State your needs up front. Statements like "I must not turn you on anymore." are not only emasculating to him, but generally just harmful to your own self worth, and completely unhelpful in resolving any problem what so ever.

2) Stop being passive aggressive.

3) Stop whining. It isn't attractive, it doesn't make you sexy, and it doesn't make him want you any more.

4) Dress up, wear makeup, make yourself look nice so that you feel sexy. Do it for yourself, not him. If he won't notice you, then some other man will.

5) Don't do his chores for him. If he agrees to do it, kindly remind him that it needs done, that he agreed to do it, and don't ever do it for him no matter how much it bothers you.

6) Stop acting needy. Be confident. Don't ask him if he wants sex, instead wake him up in the morning with his cock in your mouth. Hell, just masturbate in bed next to him, or jerk him off. Initiate sex without asking, just do it. Get some lingerie, get him a steak dinner and a beer, flip the ballgame on, then sit in his lap and feed the steak to him. When he's done eating give him a blowjob and see where it leads.

Basically, stop being a pussy about your needs. Make them known, tell him that either they're met or the relationship gets closer to ending, and be honest about it. It's a need, not a want. It's part of what you require for the relationship to be healthy and whole. Don't emasculate him, but let him know that he isn't keeping up in his manly duties.

Hold him to a higher standard. Don't let him get away with crap that is unacceptable. (Such as him not doing his agreed upon chores.) If he loves you and cares about the relationship he will make an effort.

But your comments about his masturbation, lack of love, not turning him on make him feel inadequate and like a failure. Men already have huge complexes about this to begin with, so doing things to prey upon that will not net you good results long term.

He's an adult, treat him like one and expect him to behave like one.

[Tug]

It sounds like you love him quite a bit and the problems your facing seem a little to big for the two of you to work out on your own. If I were you I'd try to talk your man into go going to couples therapy. You get someone whose neutral and they can make suggestions on making things better.

Best of luck

[KingZ]

Eh. Whenever you get better in the sack, he'll quit jerkin' it.

[KingZ]

It sounds like you love him quite a bit and the problems your facing seem a little to big for the two of you to work out on your own. If I were you I'd try to talk your man into go going to couples therapy. You get someone whose neutral and they can make suggestions on making things better.

Best of luck

Couples therapy sucks for reasons I'm too lazy to type up.

[elektra]

I'm a little confused. You said, "I guess I tend to say things like...". Did HE say those were the things that make him feel guilty? I agree with you and don't understand why those comments would cause feelings of guilt...annoyance perhaps, but not guilt.

I do not agree with Lite at all. I do not think you are whining. Your feelings are quite legitimate. Nor do I feel you are acting needy. What you want is what every woman wants/expects from her partner. I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious conversation. Do not say things like "you don't have sex w/me" or anything starting with "you". Say something like "I really love you and appreciate you but, I'm feeling...." this way he doesn't feel like you are attacking him or blaming him for everything.

[NBT]

I'm a little confused. You said, "I guess I tend to say things like...". Did HE say those were the things that make him feel guilty? I agree with you and don't understand why those comments would cause feelings of guilt...annoyance perhaps, but not guilt.

I do not agree with Lite at all. I do not think you are whining. Your feelings are quite legitimate. Nor do I feel you are acting needy. What you want is what every woman wants/expects from her partner. I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious conversation. Do not say things like "you don't have sex w/me" or anything starting with "you". Say something like "I really love you and appreciate you but, I'm feeling...." this way he doesn't feel like you are attacking him or blaming him for everything.

I actually DO agree with Lite. I think his post made perfect sense.

No guy wants to hear a girl throw herself a pity party, while making US feel like it's OUR FAULT.

"You must not love me anymore" <<< THAT shit is ANNOYING. She needs to stop saying things to try and generate SYMPATHY from him and do something to FIX it.

The guy gave her a PERFECT opportunity to tell him what was on her mind. What would make her happy. But did she say it? No. She said "Take the trash out." Wtf? Take the TRASH out?

Honestly, I think it's almost BEYOND the point of repair, for two reasons:

#1: Her guy is obviously bored and just about "over" it.

#2: As great as Lite's SUGGESTIONS were, this girl is NOT confident enough to EXECUTE them in the way they need to be executed. Therefore, it won't work.

[finnman]

A man needs to feel respected in the relationship. In the little ways you can, remind him of the things that you do love & respect him for. That will help soften the sore spots of the relationship and remove that "guilt" that he's talking about.