My sad (and all too familar) tale..

[seekingpeace]

Just thought that I would jot my experiences down for everyone to learn from. The past 3 months have been hell on earth.

I started dating my ex over almost 6 years ago, having met her at University. We got on from the very start. We were madly in love for 3 years, however, I was being a bad boy, smoking pot, drinking a bit, doing the young person things. She didnt like it, but kept her peace - most of the time.

We started living together 3 years ago, and things were fine initially, despite my failing University, and her following. We did things together, talked, laughed. I dropped out of Uni, and 6 months of self-study later (learning PHP), I started working, and encouraged her to do the same, as University wasnt working out. She didnt initially - and instead decided to stay home and play WoW, and later Second Life. I didnt know it at the time, but she was starting to withdraw from me at this point.

I continued to work to support us, and she found a job too. I thought things were picking up, and wanted to spend more time with her, now that we were financially free. But she was already at this point looking for something else. She started talking to a guy online, friendly at first, and tho I felt jealous, I let her do it - it was someone for her to talk to. She was withdrawing not just from me, but from all of her RL friends. Her online life was more and more important by the day.

Eventually, we stopped talking. She was happier online, so I let her do her thing. I did voice my concern at times, and tried to get her to come out with me, but it wasnt happening. 11 months ago, I decided that I no longer wanted to smoke pot. I quit cold turkey, for health reasons and because I wanted to show her that I could be a better person.

She didnt really care tho. A year passed, and she was totally absorbed in Second Life. She started talking to guys, and getting too close to them. A year previous, she met a guy on WoW, and before she got too close, she had a talk with me and decided that she didnt want to be a cheater, or hurt me, so she stopped talking to him. I didnt ask her to, so I took that as a good sign, forgave her, and gave her my 100% trust again. But this time, she didnt stop. She let her feelings develop, and hid the extent of her relationships. In October, she came to me and said it wasnt working - she needed time, and she was moving out.

I was devastated.

After she had moved, I tried to keep a positive mindset. But I couldnt. The pressure of keeping things together for 2 years of total shutout, a job that wasnt fulfilling and was headed for bankruptcy anyway, and no place to actually live, and the thought of being without her, things got a bit too much. I broke down into anxiety. I tried to go to work and just keep going, but I would sit there panicing. After a few days of this, I just needed to go to her place to see her. I wish I didnt have to do this, but I was feeling so alone.

She was beginning to resent me being there, but decided to let me move into her parents flat. It was against my better judgement, but she assured me that we were ok, things would be fine, and and we would try to work things out. All of those things were not true, as I found out. She immediately withdrew again, and I felt completely powerless at this point on. Things were on a freewheel downhill, and she was finding other people. I say all of this now, but I didnt know at the time - she started telling another guy that she loved him. I was pretty much out of the picture now, but she kept the facade up.

A week or two later, she got a new iPhone. She gave me her old blackberry, but deleted all of her messages from it first, and fair enough. While browsing my new toys features, I came across memos that she had saved of conversations between her and another guy, saying that there was something between them. This was the first time I had ever learned of her being unfaithful again, and I was livid - my friend came to pick me up, I left most of my stuff there, and I began to stay with him on his couch.

I went back and had a chat to her. I told her it was cheating, and that she had lied to me. She didnt put up a fight - silent. I told her that I was moving out, but that I had nowhere to put my things. Christmas holidays were coming, and I dont get paid for them. Finding a new place would be impossible at this time. Ive now spent a month on my friends couch, stewing and thinking.

Things deteriorated when I logged into Second Life to discover that she had partnered with some new guy - and that she had profile picks to him saying that she loved him, adored him. Holy **** I was aghast. How could she do that so quickly? I blew up and said some unflattering things that I wish I hadnt.

Things have been icy between us ever since.

I honestly dont know what I could have done differently. I would have given her the space she needed, but to be honest, it was over from the beginning of the breakup, and I felt like I was going crazy with anxiety and stress. I needed my best friend back, but she kept keeping her distance. And when she relented, she came across as wanting to fix things, be the girlfriend again. I wish she hadnt. I just needed a caring soul.

Anyway, thats my story. Today, I am seeking help for anxiety and other psychological issues unrelated to her (undiagnosed ADD). I had a chat with her last night, finished our business, and moved some of my stuff out (still have big things there that I cant move, such as bed, dresser, our huge solid wood entertainment unit, bass amp). Shes understanding enough to let me keep things there until I find a new place, but Im still under pressure to get it out ASAP. While I was there, her online BF got jealous and logged off, telling her he hates me here - she was not impressed by that, and just wanted me out.

Ive felt extremely shut out, and unfairly discriminated. Her Second Life friends seemed to be reinforcing to her that shes the victim, she needs to be happy, and damn anyone else - especially this stranger that theyve never met or talked to. How can I compete with that? I tried to participate in her Second Life for a while, but always felt isolated from her and her friends.

Sigh.

Im moving on now. Sorry for the wall of text. This is my story.

[seekingpeace]

I have to also point out, she really started to change in a big way when she started to smoke and drink, around August last year. Her thinking changed. Up until then, I still think that she loved me. Sometime after, she lost that. Shes now drinking a lot and smoking a lot, and I really cant say anything, because I was doing the same years past.

But anyway. That ship has sailed. Shes made it clear that she doesnt want my caring.

[Gigabitch]

You have undiagnosed ADD and you managed that well-written, grammatically correct post? Hmmm.

Anyway, move on with your life. She's no good for you.

[QueenofCorona]

Its shitty what she did to you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to leave that Second Life business alone. Let her go do her thing, you can't stop it so don't keep going there and causing yourself pain that can be avoided. Get out and do something good for yourself.

[cmacattack1]

I've heard of WoW destroying marriages, but isn't it usually the guy that gets sucked into that bullshit? I don't know what to tell you. It's a very lonely feeling when you know all her friends are backing her up one hundred percent because they have a biased opinion and she painted such a warped picture of you and your relationship.

It sounds like she is one of those people that feel powerless about everything, and holds in how she feels and makes herself believe she is a victim. All that does is breed resentment and six years is more than enough to cause somebody to flip their shit. Or her way is just be silent and passive aggressive.

I understand that you wanted her to be happy and let her do her online thing, but all this time you have just been a crutch for her. Love is not the same as tolerance, there is a huge difference. You essentially let her get comfortable and sink into this online reality. I know you can't tell her what to do with her time or who she can hang out with, but when it's apparent the relationship isn't a priority in her life anymore it's time to voice your piece and if nothing happens, you have to back away. She hasn't lived up to her potential and as a couple you cannot live up to your potential. I guess if you read the signs earlier and tried to attack it earlier on you might have had a chance to save this. Now it's at the point of no return, the relationship has ran it's course and after six years of a relationship she feels that you aren't the one that can do it for her and wants something new.

I'm not pointing fingers here but you guys are essentially both to blame for the breakdown of the relationship. I think you made things worse for your relationship when she wanted to move out and you continued to pursue her. When she wants out of this relationship, there is nothing you can really do to change her mind or change how she feels. All you can do is give her her wish and if she changes her mind on it, it's up to her to come back to you. I know you felt it was valiant and right to chase after and fight for you both and what you believe in, but you can't fight this alone. It essentially pushed her away even more. I've learned this the hard way in my own experience and I've already got to see her with her new boyfriend.

I know a lesson is not what you wanted out of this but that is all you can get at this point. I'm not saying that things won't work in the future, we don't really know what to expect. But in the meantime, your job is to steer clear of her by all means, and get yourself and your life back together. I can't tell you to get over or tell you to stop thinking about her, but doing some things for you will help out seriously like going out with your buddies, hitting the gym, meeting some new people. More importantly it will take your attention away from her and her relationship so you don't further damage what you already have. You want to do things for her and the relationship, but she is not there anymore and there is no more relationship. It's a cold sobering reality.

[kai]

No offence man, but things like these make me happy of being single.

Coming back to your problem, there is nothing you can do. She's smoking, drinking.. you're better without her. She's gonna have a ****ed up future if she didn't change. I'm glad you quit smoking pot. The only thing you can do is to make your life better. Try to complete your university if you can and get a good job. You'll find a much better girl.