XXX, they don't have classes for us to watch this afternoon, so I come back home.
Just now, I sat in subway, trying to figure out what I should do next, but failed. Just one thing I really want, can we have a talk?
What is going on between us? Before we met this summer, we also had problem, but it was different. Now everything is wrong, is changed. I don't know we are in a relationship or just friends. But I just feel things are changed into a wrong direction.
Several times, I want to tell you something that is deep in my heart, but once I talk to you face to face, I don't know how to say that out. Today, when I said I see your face I forgot what to say, I was not complaining. You don't know, XXX, until now, after having been with you for 3 years (I know you don't think we are together, we are just friends, but you know what I mean), every time I call you or see you, I still feel the butterfly in my stomach. I hate that, but it's something that I cannot control.
I'm sorry I complained all the time about my work or other things that make you unhappy either. Most of the time this is the way for me to get the pressure out of me. I have to face huge pressure everyday because BJ is a city full of competition. I have no many friends here and don't talk with my family that often now, to me you are the closest and also the only one that I can trust. That's why I tell you those stuff. I know many foreign friends, they do this too, just talk to get rid of the pressure. You also came back to QD every weekend and complained about Roger and the workers there, right? Actually, I just hope that when you hear my complaint, you can tell me: so sorry to hear that. But you will make it. But since you are different and you don't like that, I won't do that anymore.
Sometimes you judge everything from your own point of view, like if people do not act or think the way you do, they are wrong. I know most of the time this is true cos you have lots of experience, but every person is different. Maybe they also have their own good reason to do things that way. I still remember on the way we went to Larry's, you said I didn't pay attention because I didn't notice what you saw. I admit that I don't pay attention sometimes, but just because I didn't see things that you saw, you judge me: you never pay attention. It was very unfair. You saw that brush that I didn't see, but I saw something that you didn't. Can I also say that? Again, I'm not complaining, and you are right about that I-don't-pay-attention-thing (I have noticed that for long time, if I go somewhere new with someone then after having been there for 3 times I still cannot remember cos I didn't pay attention. But if it is some place that I have to go on my own, then I will remember how to go there forever). What I want to say is, please don't always judge from your own standpoint.
You know this talk-on-skype-once-a-week thing is very important to me. Sometimes just watching you without talking makes me feel happy and excited. I tried hard to talk because I'm afraid that you get bored. But you still get bored. I also know I work hard to keep this relationship because I'm in love with you. You have no responsibility to do the same as me because you don't feel that and what you have done is good enough. But XXX, even if you don't love me, you still know all girls or women want to get attention and caring from the ones they love, right? So it's normal for me to want that too, right?
Today, when you heard those two Americans say they could not make progress in speaking Chinese because they couldn't have Chinese girlfriends, you said they two are very lucky. I understand what you mean. You used to tell me that I was an angel (just once when you were in China), but now I'm one of those annoying Chinese. It's really sad.
XXX, I told you today we are done. I really don't want it that way. XXX, can we have a talk? Just to solve the problem we have and, I don't know.