New guy - Give it to me straight

[T0m]

Hi everyone,
Came here to have a place to vent my inner thoughts and gain some outsider perspective. If you got the time, I've written quite a bit here, offer me your feedback, it's probably not something I haven't considered already.

Sometimes the answers to life's questions present themselves and we just choose to ignore them. Other times we just don't ask the right questions...

After nearly 18 years of marriage, I filed for divorce from my wife, we did counseling, weekends away... we just lost it. I wasn't cheating, nor do I think she was.

The divorce has dragged for nearly 18 months, with little to argue over, the children are with me. My (future) Ex, has her live in boyfriend and I'm glad she's happy.

I dated a bit last year and found a very special woman that seemed to have her head on straight and we clicked on so many levels. She'd been single for some time with children of her own, (all of ours are teenagers) Both my kids think the world of her.

Things were going so well, we talked about and shared our lifes hopes and dreams. After about 6 months I began to second guess myself, was this really the woman for me. Should I even be thinking about a life with someone, when my divorce wasn't final. I really had no complaints about our relationship other then the fear of "Why". Putting tremendous pressure on our relationship - why is this woman going to prevent me from going through another divorce. Why do I care for her so much. Is this just a rebound relationship???

Until I could work some of this out, I really wanted to just take things a bit slower.

Until one night when she asked me - what's wrong, I tried to express what I was feeling. And not so much in the fact that our relationship was failing but that maybe we should just take things a bit slower. I didn't communicate it well, as I couldn't explain it to myself. Because she was hurt, she began to feel insecure, we both began to apply more pressure to this unknown fact in my head. I began to withdraw even more.

The divorce seemed to drag on from one extension to the next and I began to withdraw even more from my girlfriend. She broke off the relationship and said I had alot to get worked out.

Our lives had become intertwined, and we remained friends. Each time we spent together was a reminder to me of how much I missed her. I didn't really think we were over - just waiting until the divorce was behind me and I could emotionally continue my life.

After a little time we began to to talk about the reasons that I withdrew, and what the chances were that we'd resume our romantic relationship. We both intellectually decided that we should wait. Several weeks later, we were spent a day at the amusement park and just began to feel really close together. We both kind of knew it was more difficult being apart then it was together.

This time we took things a bit slower, no discussing life's dreams, knowing that the divorce was just around the corner and we could openly discuss our dreams. Then real life reared its ugly head again, another extension to my divorce... It's been frustrating, I'm not sure if it was her reacting to me or me losing my strength in the never ending battle. We broke it off again, after a very similar intellectually based discussion about the status of my life and how I've got things to get through.

I still believed that we were right for eachother, it was just this damn little thing like getting my divorce over with. Our lives have become intertwined even more, It's become increasingly difficult for me to be around her, because my feelings for have continued to grow while my ability to express those desires have been shut off.

Until a couple weeks ago, the two of us were out, just the 2 of us, having a very nice time. Couple drinks later another guy from town showed up, became a part of our conversation, I really don't think she was interested in him, but he was intruding in on my evening.

Couple more drinks... I said some things, I will regret forever, We've spoken about that night and how it was a deadly combinaton of emotions and alcohol. Our relationship has changed, we no longer talk daily, maybe a daily email. We still have life events that we share together, she's my running partner a couple times a week, and we're training for a marathon.

I do and I don't hold out hope for our relationship, I've apologized to her for my behavior, I know time can heal all wounds. But why does it have to hurt so much.

Work has a great medical plan, I've signed up for a session(s) with a counselor to help me put my feelings into perspective.

So there it is, out for the world to see,

[starbuck]

First of all, Tom, welcome to LoveForums. Hopefully it helped you to get your thoughts off your chest. It sounds like your messy divorce is putting you in an emotional place where it must be very hard to have a new relationship. I've never been married, but I know there are some divorced people here on LF who can probably share with you some insight.

And good for you for going to a counselor. It's a very positive step.