What the heck happened here

[Mack]

Hey guys, I'm gonna try and get through the backstory quickly, so bear with me here.

So, prior to this incident, I was a month shy of my 23rd birthday, and a virgin. Not because of a lack of options, just because I'd never really cared about that kind of thing. I had to move in a hurry, and a new guy in my department at school offered to help me as he had a truck. The day after that, he stayed the night with me. Nothing happened, but that was the first time I'd had a guy stay over. He's 5 1/2 years older than me, but that was fine with me and while a bit surprising to him, he seemed fine with it too. So, after he'd stayed over 4 days out of the first week I'd been at this house, I kinda came to my senses and thought hmm, you're not really ready for this and it's kinda progressed pretty quickly, maybe you oughtta slow it down a bit. So I stopped inviting him over for a couple days, claiming I had unpacking and cleaning and homework to do (which was not exactly a lie) while I tried to think of a way to tell him I had no idea what I was doing. About a week after that, I went to a house party and proceeded to get very very drunk and I went home with him and we had sex. I did not tell him that was my first time, and frankly I don't know if he'd have believed me anyways. The next day, I saw him after he gave me a lift to my car, but I did not see him again in person for about a week. He texted me a couple times and asked if I was avoiding him or if I was mad at him or something, and every time I assured him that I was not avoiding/angry, I was just busy and that if he wanted to hang out he should just let me know and I could find time. Again, I was sort of stalling until I could figure out if I should tell him that was my first time. That didn't happen. About a month after we'd had sex, my department participated in a big competition that a bunch of schools from around the world participated in. While the other schools were in town, this guy took one of the girls from a different team home. I was a bit upset, but I didn't really think I could complain because I hadn't really pursued anything overtly. I had been trying to treat our encounter as casually as he seemed (to me) to be. Then it turns out that the girl he took home was rather large, and being a bit overweight myself I got even more embarrassed about the whole thing. Now, two months post-encounter, we've kind of gotten back to being friendly and basically ignoring what happened. I found out yesterday he's dating (or at least sort of seeing) a new girl.

So, my question is, did I do something wrong or was the whole thing just as casual as I'd been pretending it was? Keep in mind that every time he made reference to that night I indicated that I enjoyed myself and would not be opposed to doing it again sometime. At least, so it seemed to me. I know I'm not the best at the whole flirting thing, and I really have no idea how relationships work, but this time I was actually trying to make something happen. Should I have explained why I was acting the way I was explicitly? I don't really know what happened, but I feel like several steps were skipped somewhere along the line. I'm also feeling a bit hurt, as he appears to have gotten over whatever it was that we had rather quickly. It's not like he was the one or anything, it's just a bit of a bruise to the ego to think that something he apparently thought of as just a one-night stand I regarded a bit more seriously.

So, for future reference, any insight from the male point of view would be much appreciated.

[searock]

In the future, you should always be upfront in communicating your intentions, needs and feelings. This doesn't mean telling a guy you just met that you're "madly in love with him" or anything like that, I'm talking about calm adult communication.

Honestly, it's no wonder that he moved on: your actions told him that you were not interested in seeing him again, let alone date him. No worries though, your gut told you not to trust this guy, so it would have been wrong to date him anyway (what's the point of dating someone that makes you feel uncomfortable/on edge all the time?).

Now you've finally gotten rid of the whole "virginity" thing, so you won't be so shy/embarrassed with the next guy. Just remember to use clear communication and to not be afraid of telling him what you want. Also, why where you embarrassed when you found out that his new girl is overweight? Everyone has a body type that they prefer... for example some people prefer blond women, so they will tend to date blond women. It's no different and there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

[Mack]

Also, why where you embarrassed when you found out that his new girl is overweight? Everyone has a body type that they prefer... for example some people prefer blond women, so they will tend to date blond women. It's no different and there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

I guess I forgot to explain that one. See, everyone in our group knew he had taken this girl home, so some started calling him "Captain Ahab"...it's just kind of a reminder that it may very well have just been that I was his type, not that anything was actually happening.

As for the whole "getting rid of the virginity" thing, I think you misunderstand me. I only mention it to get across how quickly I went so far out of my comfort zone and then how quickly everything kinda derailed after that. I wasn't saving myself. I'm just neither very emotional nor very comfortable with physical contact, and I've never particularly cared one way or the other. The other reason I brought it up was to emphasize why it was taking me a couple days to figure out how to explain things to him. I mean, the somewhat sociopathic chick loses her v-card (rather enthusiastically) to a guy she's known three weeks, but now she wants to back up? Not particularly believable.

And I didn't not trust him, I actually think he's a pretty cool guy, I just kinda leaped over several of my usual boundaries during this whole thing, and I thought it was fairly obvious that I was into him.

I know in the future don't be afraid to share, blah blah, but I'm more concerned with how the heck do you tell if something is going somewhere or not? I was more than willing to have that conversation, but it was over before I had a chance to and seemed like there should have been...more. It didn't even fizzle out, it was just kinda "aannndd done." It's a bit of a let-down for something I was actually trying to let happen, for once.

[searock]

I guess I forgot to explain that one. See, everyone in our group knew he had taken this girl home, so some started calling him "Captain Ahab"...it's just kind of a reminder that it may very well have just been that I was his type, not that anything was actually happening.

The two things aren't mutually exclusive. Quite the contrary actually: would you want something happening with a guy that is your type, or with a guy you aren't attracted to? o.O

Anyway, those people are jerks. Why do you even hang around with such immature revolting people?

And I didn't not trust him, I actually think he's a pretty cool guy, I just kinda leaped over several of my usual boundaries during this whole thing, and I thought it was fairly obvious that I was into him.

It wasn't obvious to him. You didn't reply to his texts, refused to meet him again... any guy would have thought that you weren't interested. It's ok, it was a completely new thing for you and that's why you didn't really know what to do. Just learn from this experience: if you want someone, let him know.

how the heck do you tell if something is going somewhere or not?

You can never know for sure if something is going to turn into a serious relationship, that's impossible to know until it actually happens. There are red flags that you can look for to know when it is not going to turn into a serious relationship... for example if he is disrespectful to you in any way, or if he simply isn't your type, physically and/or personality-wise.

I was more than willing to have that conversation

In your mind you were, but there was no way he could have possibly known that. Actually, your actions told him "I am not willing to have any conversation about us".

It didn't even fizzle out, it was just kinda "aannndd done." It's a bit of a let-down for something I was actually trying to let happen, for once.

Any person would walk away from a person that didn't seem at all interested in them, especially if they only just started dating. In your mind you were trying to let it happen, but your actions told him a different story.

Just learn from this experience and you'll be fine. No matter that you weren't saving yourself or anything, it was still a very new experience and now you got it out of the way, so you'll be more comfortable the next times.

[Kokombos]

You'll notice, if you hang around these forums, that communication and being more open is an common advice here because more often than not, things don't work the way people wanted simply because they weren't straigth enough with their intentions.

Sometimes people want something, but because of doubts or fear, they end up giving the wrong messages, saying something completely different to what they wanted to say. I don't know the details of the story to tell what exactly this guy wanted with you, but he seemed to be interested in you and even demanded an explanation to why you were avoiding him.

Like Searock said, it's not always simple to know where it is going so you have to play it out and try to spot those red flags Searock mentioned. But often, confronting with the truth will get you more clear answers than playing the cat-and-mouse game.

[nico88]

Ok, so I'm not claiming to be yoga and have amazing advice giving skills that will change your life but I'm gunna give a go anyway. Now, I can't speak for all guys but if I'm into a girl and we hook up and then I don't hear from her for a few days then yeah, I'm probably gunna think she wasn't interested in anything else but hooking up. Communication is definitely key if you were looking to pursue more than just sex. I don't know this guy so I'm unfortunately just gunna have to judge him from what you're saying and to me the fact that he hooked up with another girl so quickly after you guys did seems like that was all he was looking for. And since he didn't go back to you for it doesn't mean you should feel like you weren't good enough, he might just be one of those bros who go on a banging spree. I'd forget about it. It sucks that your first time was with someone like that but all you can do is learn from it and move forward. I'm sure you could do loads better than that guy anyway.