can someone really change?

[Amel]

Two months ago I moved out of the house my boyf and I shared for four years. I am 26 and he is 36. In all, we've been so amazingly great together and most memories are fond, which is what makes this all so hard.

Most of our problems stemmed from his love of women. He would never sleep with them (this I still believe) but he would flirt obsessively and play games which often left me feeling like I was competing with a room full of strangers. For a long time I thought I was being too uptight and tried to be okay about all of this, but eventually I just could not deny the fact it wasn't sitting well with me. He maintained contact with numerous girls from the past and I felt as though he was always looking for an ego boost, or a better option.

I moved out, in the end, after he made out with a girl at my friend's party. He got caught out and didnt even tell me himself.

In saying this, since I have been out on my own he seems to have lost his wild side and has just been playing things very wisely to try and get me back. He says I am the one for him and it took him this to realise. He's now talking marriage and kids and the puppy I've always wanted

Is this a case of 'don't know what you've got til it's gone' ie - he really has changed and is prepared to give this 100%? Or am I just a new challenge - ie if i go back things will fall into the same old patterns that have driven us apart?

I am young, I have no ties and so many opportunities. I love this man. But I don't know if I could forgive myself for taking him back if he disappointed me again. Should I raise my standards and move on, hopefully to find someone only with eyes for me or give him the benefit of the doubt? What do you think?

[starbuck]

This guy sounds incredibly insecure, and I seriously doubt he's going to change. Why? Because he's 36, and possibly more set in his ways than a younger guy would be. He had his chance, and blew it. Trust your instincts here, not your emotions.

He sounds like he's trying to pull on your heartstrings, hun, I'm sorry to say it. You're young and have plenty of opportunites as you pointed out. I say raise your standards, and move on.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I personally feel that people do have the ability to change their ways, but only if they want to. If he really wants you, make him try for a while, if he gives up really soon, he wasnt really in for a change if you ask me, he just missed the idea of having a woman in his life.

[Amel]

Thanks... I think he is insecure and probably has always fancied himself as a bit of a ladies man. But reality is, he is getting older and part of me thinks that's what's making him want me back. He sees my eyes opening up to what is out there, sees other people paying me attention now and knows I want to travel and experience so much. He's clutching on to what was. I guess I am too. But these things don't just happen... he made this happen. He has a lifetime of bad behviour problems to sort out... and I don't know if I can hold his hand thru that. I guess I just keep sitting back and things will become clearer. Some days are just so foggy.

[Cain]

You thought that it was just flirting but he's already kissed another girl. How do you know he hasn't done more?

Cut your ties while you can.

[shh!]

If you decide to give him another chance, DON'T live with him for at least a couple of years, and be really careful. It is possible he has decided to improve his character, but it is unlikely. Don't invest too much of you heart in him... his track record isn't good, and you won't know that he is a changed man for a long time.

[starbuck]

Thanks... I think he is insecure and probably has always fancied himself as a bit of a ladies man. But reality is, he is getting older and part of me thinks that's what's making him want me back. He sees my eyes opening up to what is out there, sees other people paying me attention now and knows I want to travel and experience so much. He's clutching on to what was. I guess I am too. But these things don't just happen... he made this happen. He has a lifetime of bad behviour problems to sort out... and I don't know if I can hold his hand thru that. I guess I just keep sitting back and things will become clearer. Some days are just so foggy.

You should pat yourself on the back for being intellectually able to evaluate the situation. It's just your emotions that might have not caught up yet. But they will in time.

He may be able to change, but as other posters have stated, it might take a while. Whereas if you moved on, you could find someone who doesn't have such baggage in the first place. Either way, you sound like you are not blind to the situation and willing/ready to make the choice that's right for you.

[anachronistic]

lol, what a manther, huh?

[starbuck]

lol, what a manther, huh?

Heh, maybe. Maybe not. 36 and 26 are closer in maturity levels as say, 26 and 16. Once you start getting into your late twenties, I think it's ok to safely date guys in your 30's without assuming they are manthers.