Love is Troubling for me. I really need help.

[Kateeb]

Alright so i met this girl at school in a bio lab class and we became partners and we got along together very well. About 3 weeks into the class I asked her out on a date. I took her to the beach, we had a good time. We would text each other on and off and we spent some time together a few other times. But my big problem is how much I've fallen for this girl, I can't stop thinking about her and it's really distracting. Sometimes if I text her and she doesn't respond(most likely because she's busy, she works 2 jobs and goes to school) I'll get worried that she doesn't want to be bother with me anymore and I'll worry all day without being able to get anything done, I can't even eat sometimes. I'm so afraid of losing her and I've only met her about a month ago. No girl I've ever spent to has had me like this and It's so frustrating, I want to be with her all the time and It hurts when I'm away from her for a long time. Please help I'm lost.

[TheEvilJester]

There are a few topics I absolutely love to see on these boards. This happens to be one of them. Why? Because I was practically born to help people with stuff like this. I am SO ridiculously paranoid about this kind of thing that I have learned to better deal with that and battle my paranoia.

A couple questions.... are you often like this when you like a girl, or is this a first for you?

I ask because there are minor differences to my advice (though overall, it is basically the same). If you are always like this (I am, for sure) then the advice people tend to give in a situation like this is really not all that helpful. Don't get me wrong, they mean well and they are good people for it, but when you don't think like normal people, advice meant for normal people doesn't help.

So, if you are always like this, then the important advice is to be able to realize that you are like this and acknowledge that you probably won't be able to change it. However, it is also important to realize that, because you are like this, nine times out of ten, heck even 99 times out of 100, when you freak out worrying about things like worrying she will lose interest in you, it is all just in your head. So, it is okay to freak out a little, but make sure you freak out only to yourself. Then take a step back, remember that you tend to freak yourself out, and give the person the benefit of the doubt.

Trust me, there is definitely a time and a place to get worried and have an "Are we okay?" type of conversation with people. But, you have to pick your battles. If you do it too much, or too easily, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. People will stop wanting to have a close relationship with you because they will feel like you will never trust them, and will feel like they have to walk on egg shells with you in order to avoid upsetting you.

It's all about learning balance.

If this is really a first for you, then the good news is you are not weird. This is perfectly normal. You obviously really like this girl, so sometimes that can be intimidating. It is hard not to doubt yourself and doubt that somebody who makes you so happy could possibly be for real. My advice is somewhat the same. Just take a deep breath, remind yourself that you are probably worrying yourself over nothing, and give it time. In time, you will see that you obviously were just getting concerned for no reason. She probably was just busy.

At the same time, there needs to be an important balance there as well. Don't give people the benefit of the doubt TOO much. For example, if it starts to become where you always have to initiate contact, and she barely bothers to keep up any conversation with you at all, don't just continue to say "Oh, she's probably just busy." At some point, if you want to be in a relationship (or even have a friendship) some effort needs to be made on both sides. So, you also need to make sure you don't goo too far to the other side of the coin and just get too relaxed/easy going with it.

I hope some of my crazy was able to help you. LOL! Good luck, my friend.

[Kateeb]

There are a few topics I absolutely love to see on these boards. This happens to be one of them. Why? Because I was practically born to help people with stuff like this. I am SO ridiculously paranoid about this kind of thing that I have learned to better deal with that and battle my paranoia.

A couple questions.... are you often like this when you like a girl, or is this a first for you?

I ask because there are minor differences to my advice (though overall, it is basically the same). If you are always like this (I am, for sure) then the advice people tend to give in a situation like this is really not all that helpful. Don't get me wrong, they mean well and they are good people for it, but when you don't think like normal people, advice meant for normal people doesn't help.

So, if you are always like this, then the important advice is to be able to realize that you are like this and acknowledge that you probably won't be able to change it. However, it is also important to realize that, because you are like this, nine times out of ten, heck even 99 times out of 100, when you freak out worrying about things like worrying she will lose interest in you, it is all just in your head. So, it is okay to freak out a little, but make sure you freak out only to yourself. Then take a step back, remember that you tend to freak yourself out, and give the person the benefit of the doubt.

Trust me, there is definitely a time and a place to get worried and have an "Are we okay?" type of conversation with people. But, you have to pick your battles. If you do it too much, or too easily, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. People will stop wanting to have a close relationship with you because they will feel like you will never trust them, and will feel like they have to walk on egg shells with you in order to avoid upsetting you.

It's all about learning balance.

If this is really a first for you, then the good news is you are not weird. This is perfectly normal. You obviously really like this girl, so sometimes that can be intimidating. It is hard not to doubt yourself and doubt that somebody who makes you so happy could possibly be for real. My advice is somewhat the same. Just take a deep breath, remind yourself that you are probably worrying yourself over nothing, and give it time. In time, you will see that you obviously were just getting concerned for no reason. She probably was just busy.

At the same time, there needs to be an important balance there as well. Don't give people the benefit of the doubt TOO much. For example, if it starts to become where you always have to initiate contact, and she barely bothers to keep up any conversation with you at all, don't just continue to say "Oh, she's probably just busy." At some point, if you want to be in a relationship (or even have a friendship) some effort needs to be made on both sides. So, you also need to make sure you don't goo too far to the other side of the coin and just get too relaxed/easy going with it.

I hope some of my crazy was able to help you. LOL! Good luck, my friend.

This did help a lot. This is the first time I've felt such strong emotion about a girl, but what if she does tell me she's not interested anymore, I don't know how I would handle myself and this fear is the worst fear I've ever felt. It's so confusing for me because there are a lot of things that could say she isn't interested but there are also things that say the opposite. For instance, on Sunday I texted her around 3pm and she didn't respond until around 9-10, of course I freaked out a little, not as much as I usually do because I knew she worked that day. But she texted me telling me she just got off and we ended up meeting that night and we had our first kiss. During the time we were together we made plans to study for a test together on tuesday, I texted her to find out what's going on and I got no response and I'm freaking out again.

[TheEvilJester]

Okay. Those are good examples. I've done that to myself too at times. The thing to remember is not everybody is crazy about text messaging. I have friends who can text with me all day if/when we feel in the mood, and I have other friends who really don't text at all. If I text them, sometimes I don't hear back at all, sometimes I don't hear back for hours or even days. Then, it may be one or two texts and that is it. No long, ongoing conversation. Yet, these are friends I know for a fact think the world of me.

The same goes for when you are in a relationship. At first, I'm sure you probably texted a lot more. It was new and exciting. But, maybe she is either just busy, or is one of those people who isn't too crazy about texting all the time.

As you mentioned, you got a little worried when she didn't text. then you met up that night and shared your first kiss. Women don't tend to kiss somebody they don't like.

Granted, it would certainly be nice if she would be more responsive when you text. Take it from me, when you text somebody and feel like they never respond, it is hard not to have those little voices in your head saying that obviously the person doesn't want to talk to you. But, one thing to remember is not everybody necessarily interprets text messaging as needing an instant response. It's more like a convenient way to contact somebody. Sort of like something a little more instant than e-mail, but not as instant as a phone call, if that makes sense. In other words, if you really needed to reach a person right away, probably better to try by phone.

So, though it would be nice if she'd be more responsive, it just may be the way she is. If things are great when you are together, that is really what is important. Trust me, I know how hard it can be, but as best you can try not to let stuff like that bother you. I'd also recommend that sometimes you don't text her. Let her be the first to text. That will help you to get a better idea of what is normal for her so you can kind of let that dictate the pace. Otherwise, if you like to text all the time but she really doesn't you will start to feel like you are the only one ever trying when that may not really be the case.

[Apex]

It might be easy to get down on yourself when another lady doesn't respond to you by text - especially when you have feelings for her. But like the above posters mention - some people are not into texting, while some are. I would recommend that you do not text her - and let her come around. Don't leave messages on her phone either, as you might start wondering if she got the message and wonder why she hasn't phoned yet. If you are going to see her again don't bombard her with questions about why she doesn't text either - it will come off as too strong and it might ruin the pace of you seeing her.

Don't worry about studying with this girl either..study dates are not really dates. What I do recommend is that the next time you see her, ask her out on a real date and try to get to know her as a person - mix some humor into the conversation if you can. The point is you shouldn't throw all your eggs into one basket, just because you have a girls number and you kissed her once means what? She could be beautiful on the outside, but what she like as a person? Don't get overwhelmed by a girl with looks..looks only go so far, what you want to learn about is her personality if the opportunity comes up..and then decide if you really want to see her again.

Finally - if nothing comes up with this person, then it is what it is. It would be more ideal to get 10 numbers instead of 1 number - you might find yourself less worried about being accepted by this one girl, when you can find out if you like other ladies in the scene. Have fun man!

[pseudosooz]

She's at work! And more importantly, she's a good worker! (not on her phone the whole time, but actually WORKING) That's a good sign. What you need to remember, if this goes any further, is that as you say, she's working TWO jobs and going to school, on top of that she's got friends and a family who go back further than the two of you. Her life is very full and it would be important for your ego to chillax so that it doesn't try to monopolize the little bit of time she has to herself.
I suggest getting a job or an activity to give yourself less time to worry about this. Other benefits would be the ability to be a bit more understanding when it comes to time away from phones, money to take her on dates, and I'd bet, being a worker herself, she'd respect your initiative.