bloody hell... women tell me your opinion about my story

[trippy]

by the way, I posted in the broken hearts section but would also like to hear answers from the female perspective.

This is my first post on these forums as I am just so confused as to what to do. Heres my story...

About 5 months ago, I broke it off with my girlfriend of nearly two years. Not because I didnt love her, I did and I still do, but because I didnt want to hold her back. The story is, she lived in the UK to study at uni and afterwards she moved to London to be closer to me. She is not from this country, shes from Cyprus and for the first few months it was all great. However, she had trouble finding work and was miserable as I was the only person who she had in this country. She missed home and would cry about her situation, and to make it worse, her mother had already secured her a job back home. I couldn't really stand and watch her deteriorate and gave as much support as I could. All this caused a lot of arguments which affected our relationship, however we still loved each other and that much was quite obvious.

The situation got worse and worse and in the end I told her she should go back home because its for the best for her and that we should break up. It was difficult for her, and it was for me too. Eventually, she moved back home, and after a couple of weeks, I had regretted doing what I had done. I told her for some time how sorry I was and i wish I had never broken up with her, but she was rightfully angry at me. I had spent over a month trying to get in her good books, and told her I would like to visit her, however the anger was still there. In the end, I said we shouldnt speak anymore then because I was finding it difficult to talk to the 'one that got away' and pretending that we could be friends. I told her all this and she started crying and saying she doesnt want to break contact with me. I told her its the best thing, and that I would remove her from all possible means of communication, facebook, skype, msn etc. She cried alot when I suggested these things and said at least I shouldnt remove her from facebook as she wants to keep the memories of us and have some form of communication and that she still loved me and didnt want to lose me in her life. In the end I promised I wouldnt close my facebook account.

We hadnt spoken for about two months and when we did talk on the facebook chat function, we just asked how we were and have we met anyone else etc. She told me she has met someone, but they were not dating yet, just a potential guy. As I still had feelings for this girl, I told her this is it, and removed her from facebook. Now she keeps trying to lay a guilt trip on me about how I broke promises, broke up with her, and that she cant believe me etc. I told her I cant see her in someone elses arms, but she keeps messaging me telling me to accept her on facebook and skype and that she would like to keep in contact and wants me in her life. (just not bf/gf). So she has a potential new boyfriend, and knows that I still have feelings for her, but insists I remain in her life.

What do I do, and why is she insisting we keep in contact even though she knows how I feel about her? Maybe im missing something or not seeing things clearly, is she trying to punish me for breaking her heart? any advice?

[Simple Life]

if u really love her and wish to win her back, patient is the only way...keep contacting her to make her feel that u really really still love her and be sincere..there is a potential guy but i think she still loves you very much. Maybe she scared that you will ask for a break up again. so...maybe u want to give it a last try. don't do something or some decision that you will regret later in your life

[HeartIsAching]

Something's not adding up for me...

When she graduated and had a hard time finding work, did you offer to help, before you told her to go back to Cyprus and break up with you? Did you offer her even floor space to crash on? Once she was back in Cyprus, you removed all forms of contact except for Facebook? Once she found a "potential" guy (not a boyfriend mind you, just a potential), you removed Facebook too, saying "That's it"?

Were you TRYING to get rid of her? If you were that's fine, but just man up and do it.

It sure as hell sounds to me as if she's a hell of a lot more devastated by your loss than you are with hers.

[Windmillback]

When I am dumped by my girlfriend, the old cliche starts. She wants to be just friends (I don't have "just" friends, all my friends are special to me). No contact is very important for both to heal from the break-up. Women's theories about remaining just friends are ones that I cannot support beacause I am not a woman. I think that women conclude this from their emotions and that they are not the wiser in it. It is a little different when you are the one that broke up. NC is still the best for healing, so have some contact that is pretty meaningless (emotionally), so that she feels that you are there for her support and did not just dump her and leave her for trash on the curbside, but you are not getting in too deep that it slows you from getting over her. This way you can also gauge from time to time to determine if there is ever cause to try to get back together.

Good Luck

[smackie9]

Being dumped is a real deal breaker for some people. Some get a second chance some don't, sounds to me it's a don't, so leave her alone. Maybe next time talk to the person you are with before making any rash decisions, like dumping them. It showed you lack the ability to communicate, and have a disrepect for the others persons feelings.

[Rhainnonxx]

to me it sounds like she still wants you but wants to make you work for it, because in my opinion she only wants to stay friends with you on those sites so your tempted to check her page and see where she is and what she is doing and hopefully it will make you think she is fine without you, dont talk to her, do no contact, because you have already tried getting her back and she wont give in, give it some time and let her get past the anger of the break up(which it seems like she still has but i could be wrong) and focus on you for a little bit, find your happiness without her and she will come back... hopefully, and if she doesnt... well you have already learned to be happy on your own

[trippy]

Something's not adding up for me...

When she graduated and had a hard time finding work, did you offer to help, before you told her to go back to Cyprus and break up with you? Did you offer her even floor space to crash on? Once she was back in Cyprus, you removed all forms of contact except for Facebook? Once she found a "potential" guy (not a boyfriend mind you, just a potential), you removed Facebook too, saying "That's it"?

Were you TRYING to get rid of her? If you were that's fine, but just man up and do it.

It sure as hell sounds to me as if she's a hell of a lot more devastated by your loss than you are with hers.

When she graduated, I did try help her look for work. I encouraged her, I helped her with her CV, we looked and applied for jobs together. I did all that, but because of David Cameron and his cronies, the industry she tried getting into was impossible. It also didnt help that I was the only person she had in this country. This caused a lot of arguments, she wasnt happy, I wasnt happy. I know I am to blame too, if anything, it was all my fault for letting her go. I wont deny that. However, since she's left, and I realised my stupid mistake to let her go in the first place, I feel so much anger coming from her towards me. Its quite understandable too, her anger that is.

However, my point of contention is that, my feelings for her are still very strong, and I only realised what a douche bag I was to let her go. I have to live with that, but what I cant live with is pretending to be her friend. How can I pretend to be someones friend when Im still so much in love with her. I know the solution to my problem, as others have suggested, NC is the way. but her insistence that we remain in contact only confuses and makes things harder for me to move on. In an ideal world, she just wants me to suffer a little before asking for me to be with her, but those are fairytale's. Im quite realistic in what to expect, and I dont expect her.

I wasnt trying to get rid of her, quite the contrary, I helped her alot. I dont want to sound too altruistic, but I knew that there was no way she could have her career in London, and with her mother securing a job for her, what kind of person would I have been to hold her back like that?

[trippy]

When I am dumped by my girlfriend, the old cliche starts. She wants to be just friends (I don't have "just" friends, all my friends are special to me). No contact is very important for both to heal from the break-up. Women's theories about remaining just friends are ones that I cannot support beacause I am not a woman. I think that women conclude this from their emotions and that they are not the wiser in it. It is a little different when you are the one that broke up. NC is still the best for healing, so have some contact that is pretty meaningless (emotionally), so that she feels that you are there for her support and did not just dump her and leave her for trash on the curbside, but you are not getting in too deep that it slows you from getting over her. This way you can also gauge from time to time to determine if there is ever cause to try to get back together.

Good Luck

Thank you for you reply. I realise that having no contact is the way forward, but I dont know why shes so reluctant. It was so difficult to have her on my facebook and see her on skype. The number of times I checked her profile daily was beyond normal. I realise this is not healthy and although im not optimistic about any future with her anymore, I dont want her to hate me than what I think she already does. There is no point in keeping in contact, I have removed everything, although I still have her number in my telephone which I dont see myself as calling or txting her. If she wanted to have me back but was unsure, then all she has to do is tell me that and I would respect it and do anything in my power to get her back. I told her I'll always be there for her if she needed someone, and I will txt her occasionally just to see if shes okay, however thats as far as I want it to go.

[trippy]

if u really love her and wish to win her back, patient is the only way...keep contacting her to make her feel that u really really still love her and be sincere..there is a potential guy but i think she still loves you very much. Maybe she scared that you will ask for a break up again. so...maybe u want to give it a last try. don't do something or some decision that you will regret later in your life

I think if I really want her back (which I do), then the best course of action would be to try and keep a distance. For me, this would allow her to reflect on us and realise if its worth it or not. Keeping in contact only makes it worse, she knows I love her, and just not having her has an effect on me. I dont sound like the same person, I am not the usual confident guy when I used to be with her. To be honest, I sound like a loser, a mopey and sad wreck, and no girl is going to find that a positive signal. I will keep my distance, sort myself out, and if our paths cross once again, then if we're meant to be, and it will be, if not, then I guess we just werent right for each other.

[NoNoNomi]

Trippy,

Your post makes me super sad to read. It sounds like you were trying to make a good decision in a high pressure situation and it backfired emotionally for both of you. Sometimes just having space from a highly emotional relationship gives you a new perspective, helps you sort out your feelings, helps you realize things that should have been your decision and things that you should have just let the other person decide. Both of you are adults from different cultures (I gather) and I'm assuming with very different communication styles. It sounds like she wanted to be with you, but you couldn't stand seeing her miserable. What a tough situation. Life really sucks sometimes, especially when one person decides they'd like to work it out and the other person decides they don't after a hurtful situation. I think as long as you've been very clear about your true feelings and wants, rather than trying to continue making the best decision for her life like you did initially when you convinced her to move back home, then at least you can know that the decision is in her hands and that if she feels like she wants to continue the relationship in an adult manner rather than trying to make you jealous by talking about other men then she can come back to you. Are you willing to move to Cyrpus if that's what it takes? Is the relationship only contingent on her sharing your life and not the other way around? Stop playing games with each other. Make your feelings clear and then tell her you will not contact her again so she can have time to process her feelings and that if she does not want a romantic relationship with you that you can't handle being friends with her as it's too painful. Sometimes men think they are being clear and communicating, but they are being vague and totally confusing and fathering women rather than speaking to them like fellow adults. Figure out what you need, what you're capable of and if she can't do it, then you can move on knowing that you haven't made a big mistake.