In desperate need of advice :( (Long thread)

[anothaguy_UK]

Hi guys,

Im wanting to get some thoughts on this really… I don’t know what it all means, I kinda confused and have been for a long time.

We met working at the same place of work, I had been there previously and she joined later on. This was Oct 2010. We got really close and ended up dating. She is French, im English, both late 20’s. She has ties to family in france, missing her friends dearly and being in a different country to start a relationship can of course I really understand be a daunting experience.

There was so much passion and excitement and connection between us when we were together. We would always find time to give each other notes, write long emails / letters etc – both ways this is, both of us would really make an effort. I would see her every night after work if I could. We were very intimate with each other… Making love was not only the intimacy, which we both really enjoyed, both initiated etc but also kissing, touching etc – even finding time to hold each other while we would cook or things. Recently she has moved to Nottingham and I would travel to see her most weekends as money was tight for her as she had just started a uni course, which of course being a non-english resident she cant get grants for, so her parents paid many £000’s to support her financially. She would also travel to see me and we would split train fairs etc etc. After a while, she became less “inclined” (for lack of a better word I guess) to make an effort to do the little things, to surprise me, to write to me, to be intimate with me. She would go back to france and I would go back with her, visiting her friends and family, but this is in April 2011 and I felt a distance being built up between us. In talking about it, she didn’t really know why it was happening. Maybe it was the change of location, uni course etc. But her answer was “I don’t know…” and that was never said in a argumentative term or the like, it was always a case we could talk about things… anyway a short time later I found out that back in Dec 2010 for new years eve she had been at a party with friends (I had stayed in the Uk with family) and a guy had kissed her. She never told me this until this time, but promised me it was a drunk guy coming onto her, nothing to worry out, which is completely fair enough

Skip forward to 2011 sept when she moves to Nottingham to start her uni course – she moves away from friends and being setup in this country so to speak, she is struggling to find job, but has one in retail but doesn’t earn much money because she is trying to juggle work and uni etc. Shes been helped by me each month and I will buy her things like shopping and help with phone bills and rent because it is tight – and I am happy to help her, I don’t want to see her struggle.
We are not as close as we used to be at all. She is rarely intimate with me (kissing, touching and initiating or welcoming sex from me) and will always tell me she is tired, or it might be the time of the month etc, which is completely understandable, but I have not changed myself or been less or more intimate with her, but I feel a withdrawal from her to want any intimacy
She never kisses me spontaneously, other than a quick peck, which frustrates me I guess.
She continues to reply when we talk about it with “she doesn’t know…” and we do try and talk about it, what might be causing it, is it missing friends, family, money, uni, being tired etc. She says she is shattered from working all the time which is understandable.

But she is not wanting to do anything on the weekends when we see each other. During the week she will see friends, go out to pubs and things stay out a little late I guess, but then she has work or uni the next day… she again is shattered. By the time we see each other on the Friday all she wants to do is sleep. She is also anemic I should add from what she tells me. I have tried to help her with iron tablets, and other helpful things and she wont go and see a doctor in the UK with the response “I’ll be ok…” etc. I feel it frustrating that she has energy to go out with friends, but when we get to spend time together, she cant do anything because of being tired.

A few weeks ago, she went out with friends for a night out. I have never said that she should not go out, or asked her to stay in so she wont be tired for us at the weekends or suggested that she not spend time with them etc. I chose not to go with her that Friday night, as 1) I was shattered from a busy week at work, and I knew I would be falling asleep by 8:30/9! And 2) she was saying goodbye to a uni coursemate who was leaving the country for ever, so I thought it would be nice for her to have that “girl time” if you will – because I knew previously how much she missed friends – so was it not a good idea to let her have this time just by herself with her mates?
She leaves at 8ish, and reckons she will be back by 11:30/12. Im going to bed at 11 and text her to say goodnight and things, that I will no doubt be asleep when she gets in in a while.
I wake up at 1:30 and she is still not back, so I just send her a quick text to ask if shes ok. 5am she comes in, freezing cold as she has not had enough money to get the train so takes buses standing out by herself for hours in the middle of the morning, a young female who doesn’t know the area very well(?). I was really upset that she didn’t tell me she would be late and that she didn’t ring me to come pick her up – she says she didn’t want to wake me :$

At this stage in our relationship we are still like best friends in some ways – close, sharing now and again (more me than her… perhaps she is tired and it is affecting her enthusiasm to communicate with me during the day I don’t know…) but I then find out two weeks later that this night (above) when she is out late 5am, had seen her dance with a random guy she had not met (friend of a friend of the evening) and she is kissed by him. Again she says that he pushes him away and lets him know she has a boyfriend.
- my question is, why does she not tell me about it and why if she is so so tired, have all the energy to go out drinking and dancing with other people until 5am? When im there with her all she wants to do is sleep… - I want to go out and do things together but she would rather snuggle up and watch films and rest. We used to go on adventures and travel so much seeing all over the UK…

- recently she has said that she misses her friends and I have been too intense in the relationship. I have been talking about our future too much, with houses and babies and things. Im just excited about us and im not wanting to push her – no different that from the very start of our relationship how much we would talk about how much we mean to each other and things. I miss her talking about it, but I now realize that she maybe isn’t that excited about us? I understand she is feeling lost. She is struggling with money, she misses friends, she doesn’t know what to do after uni and might find getting a job. Shes homesick and things too.

She also in the last month (bearing in mind we are not physically close in our relationship, not having sex or any sexual intimacy for many weeks / months at a time – and the thing is, if something does happen between us, she really enjoys it and will want to engage with me becoming passionate and things…) said that she is really confused by all of thing combined (the situations she is in, us being less intimate (but this being her choice, not mine… I feel no different about her) and asks if we are friends rather than lovers? This kills me inside after trying for so long to be close to her in an intimate way, for her to talk to me and share like she used to then asks this question. I talk to her about it, but again she feels unsure and responds “I don’t know…” – surely she should know? Im not the one being distant or even questioning us as friends/lovers etc… would it not be fair to wait for her to explain what she means by it?

This cycle has been going on for some time now. I will try to initiate “closeness” – and not sex, but kissing, passion on a small scale but she shys away and doesn’t engage. She in no way initates anything to me. She will hold my hand, hug me, snuggle up in bed spooning – she loves being held etc, but nothing more exists. I feel really self conscious like the reason she is distant is because of me. She says its not that she promises that she is still attracted to me and that she deeply loves me and cant bare to lose me.

I am waking up each morning tiptoeing to be honest im afraid im saying something wrong or pushing too much intimately wise… but doesn’t it take two in any relationship? I don’t feel appreciated for everything I do for her… and I too work also and then drive every weekend now 2 hours to see her, to help her financially a lot and face a different person almost to who I have known before :$

I am worried that she either doesn’t find me attractive, but still loves me and wants to coast along (I just feel self conscious and a little inferior if that makes sense if that is the case – what has changed or more importantly how have I changed or not may the case maybe?) or that she is depending on me and doesn’t want to lose me for the emotional attachement (of having me as a financial source, supporting her emotionally – listening, holding, making me feel safe etc) esp when she is struggling in this lifestyle in uni and being away from home etc.

She has said it is the tiredness that is making her feel this way… but this has been ongoing before now. And I seriously do not know what to do. I don’t know if I am comfortable being in a relationship where I don’t know how she really feels about me – and ive read on other forums, in some truth if there is no intimacy in your relationship (coming from your partner to you, which you would yearn for wouldn’t you? :$ - I know I do….) then your just good friends? Im confused of hearing “I don’t know” but wont discuss it or attempt with me to figure it out to help us move forward…

Your advice?

[Sleed]

I was in your situation , i had a girlfriend for 2 years and after the first 6 months she gradually started getting cold. We ended up having sex rarely, like once a month. I am now without her, i broke it off and let me tell you that was a huge mistake. Its better to just be able to hold some1 at nights and not have sex at all , then to be completely alone and with feelings towards the person you left behind.

So my advice is dont leave her if you love her, you will regret it badly, its better to be sexless then alone.

You can do something about getting more sex, no1 told me... but here is what you can do. Understand why she doesnt want to do it.
I think its because she feels a pressure to do it and she might be doing all the work , like oral sex, moving on top of you etc. So if you pressure her into it and then expect some sexual favors she will start to hate it and not tell you.

You need to stop asking for it all together , never talk about sex, never ask for it and dont be sexual , i think it turns her off , she might think you are nice and careful around her just because you want sex. She might think you are buying sex from her with your kindness.

So stop the sex asking and the sexual hints throwing , start making her laugh, get some e books about how to be funny, see what kind of humour makes her laugh, most girls find humour very sexy . Dont act tired , dont whine to her , listen to her problems and try to drop some jokes whenever it fits. Create a fun vibe around you , try to be more playful , fun , light hearted to be around. She probably thinks that talking to you goes to a sex argument or something. The best way to communicate with a girl you like i think is to really listen to her problems , comfort her and drop jokes where they fit and when you have to say something , say something positive , exagerate it a bit to be funny , just try to make her feel like coming home is a fun place , not a fight with you. Also try to surprise her and be romantic , the sex is good in the begining because of the exploration that is taking place , kindness , creativity and humour can make sex reaper after that period. Dont leave her and watch you to not get cheated on , i hope she is a good girl and doesnt do that .

Also it helps to stay in shape ofc, if you are overweight make an effort to get thinner , thinner = sexier.

[anothaguy_UK]

Thank you for your advice and it is really helpful..

I have in the past tried a couple of things you have suggested. She will often say that she misses the intimacy between us which does make me think also... But I'm not in anyway wanting this to be about sex - our whole way of being together more really...

I'm optimistic, but just wanting her to be straight and defiant with me, reassuring me etc...